It Could Be Nothing
by Drive all night
Summary: When you fall you'd be surprised who is there to catch you. Life doesn't always work out how you expect or hoped..or maybe it does. Although the road may be long, winding and more than a little bumpy...A BURZEK story at heart, with a few others thrown in. (Inc some OOC Roman)
1. Chapter 1 - It Could Be Nothing

Molly's was it's usual mix of cops, fire fighters and paramedics. Small groups clustered together sharing their days, the highs, the lows and sometimes just to forget. It was also abuzz with the other crowd it always attracted, those who were affectionately known as 'badge bunnies.'

Jay Halstead elbowed his way through the crowd towards the bar. He'd spotted the familiar red head from the door. Will Halstead ordered another beer for him and his brother. They hadn't had much of a chance to catch up lately with Will busy with his new job and increased responsibilities at the hospital and Chicago awash with its usual mix of scumbags and shit keeping Intelligence on their toes. "How's Kim Burgess doing? She back at work yet?"

"Haven't seen her. We kind of don't see much of her anymore now that she's not with Ruzek." Jay shrugged. "Why?"

"She was in a week ago. Lucky she didn't break her hand. I thought she was coming back with some paperwork so I could sign off on a work injury."

"Maybe she's been busy or got someone else to do it." Ruzek had been pretty gutted after the Court Case and Jay could understand why and naturally it just happened that they all stuck by Ruzek and left Kim to do her own thing. She had pretty much just become another Patrol Officer at the 21st District. Not that they deliberately shut her out but she kept her distance from them and life went on.

Will suddenly felt the need to at least put his thoughts into words. Something about that night bothered him. She'd come in with her partner, what was his name? Roman. "The swelling of her fingers and knuckles was nasty and she told me it had got slammed in a door while she was making an arrest." She wasn't in uniform though and he did know that Roman was on desk duty now since his shooting. It was also a good day or two old judging by the bruising. There was also the bruise on her forearm that she did not explain. When he had tried to get her alone to ask her more about it Roman refused to leave the room. "It just didn't add up. Anyway hope she's okay. She hasn't been back for a check up. If you see her tell her to drop by. I want to make sure it's healed up okay."

He left it at that, for now but he still couldn't shake the gut feel her had about her. From what he remembered of Kim she was pretty outgoing and friendly. He recalled talking to Ruzek about her once, just after they got engaged. "She's just fierce and sees the good in everyone." He'd told him. "Doesn't step back from a fight." That night it sure didn't seem like she had much fight in her.

Jay didn't think much of it until he saw her the next day at the end of shift. "Hey Burgess, how's the hand?" she just about jumped out of her skin when he touched her arm. "Will wants you to stop by and get it checked and he said something about needing to sign the paperwork for the work injury claim." Something in her eyes worried him. Roman took a step closer to Kim and she mumbled something about not having time to sort it out and that it was fine. Roman put his arm around her shoulder and Jay could see that she looked anything but comfortable. Jay watched them head out. That was not the Burgess he remembered. He turned to Platt who just shrugged.

"What did you say?" Roman snapped as soon as they got to the car. He reefed the bag from her shoulder and tossed it into the back seat.

"Nothing." Burgess felt tears forming behind her eyes and she looked away quickly. This had all spiralled so far out of control so quickly and she had no idea what to do. She felt so isolated and couldn't even call her sister because she knew he would find out about it. Even the walls at work had ears and it would somehow get back to him.

As they got in the car he held out his hand and she handed over her phone. She had stopped questioning him about that weeks ago and just accepted it. She had become exactly the person she never wanted to be, she didn't recognise herself anymore and she definitely didn't like this version of herself.

Jay leant on Platt's desk. "I'm guessing you love the worker's comp forms that caused?"

Platt peered at him over her glasses. "No worker's comp for shutting your own hand in a door at home. We don't cover being a klutz."

"Huh?" Jay furrowed his brow. Platt just looked at him and he could tell be the exasperated look on her face she was not in the mood to chitchat.

Will had said something didn't add up and he was starting to feel the same. Looking back over the last month or so Burgess had changed but he put that down to the fact that having broken things off with Ruzek and now dating Roman things were awkward for her at work. She was also getting used to a new partner now that Roman was on desk duty and perhaps that was why they didn't see her much anymore.

"Can you check in on Burgess?" He asked Erin later that night when they got home. He knew they weren't super close. At one stage they were friendly enough and Erin had caught up with her for coffee on the odd occasion but that was before the Court Case too.

"Why?"

"I don't know. Something's not right. I've got a weird feeling that's all." He didn't want to jump to conclusions and wanted another opinion before he went off all half-cocked. "She's acting weird and Will has recently treated her for a hand injury. He thinks it's odd and you know how sometimes you get a weird vibe. I got that today from Burgess and Roman."

"You think Roman is hurting her?" Erin almost dropped spilt her cup of coffee. "No way. I mean he's never been the funniest guy to hang out with but are you sure you are not just seeing this through your Ruzek coloured glasses."

"Humour me. Just give her a call, catch up and if you don't get a weird vibe I will drop it."

Erin tried to catch up with Kim but she kept blowing her off. She always had a reason why she couldn't meet her. Either she already had something on, was working or cancelled at the last minute. Even asking her to come upstairs for lunch was dodged. "Ruzek's in court today. He's not around."

"It's not that. We've just got a few jobs backed up." She muttered nervously as she looked at her feet.

Erin agreed with Jay that something seemed off but at that point in time they had nothing.

It wasn't until she collapsed in the locker room with a raging infection did things finally start happening and quickly all the pieces fell into place. Roman insisted that she was fine and that he would just take her home. "She's had a flu for a few days that's all. I told her to stay home." He argued but Platt was having none of it. She'd already called for an Ambulance. Her Patrol officers did not just collapse in the locker room and get sent home. They got checked out. He tried to get them to take her to Lakeshore but they were on bypass so they ended up at Chicago Med.

Burgess was as white as a ghost; she was shivering uncontrollably and cried out in obvious pain when they lifted her onto the gurney. She was in no fit state to protest or worry. Roman, of course demanded to ride with her. Luckily all of Intelligence was out. The last thing he needed was those self-righteous pricks sticking their noses in where it wasn't wanted.

Will Halstead saw her come in and insisted to Maggie that he'd take the case. "She just needs an IV, I'll get one of the Residents to do it."

"No, I'll do it." Will insisted. Roman told him that she just had burnt herself recently but they had it checked by her local Doctor. He tried to get her discharged before a full examination but Will ignored him. He checked the notes from the Paramedics who listed her as having the flu, there was no mention of the burn.

"She spilt a cup of coffee about a week ago, as always she was rushing and the lid came off. She said it was fine and it was just the flu that was knocking her around," Roman offered lamely. It sounded bad that he'd tried to brush it off as the just the flu at the station and now they had seen the burn. Fuck, why did she make everything hard for him.

Will Halstead admitted her for IV antibiotics. He pulled Maggie aside into a quiet room. "I need Kim Burgess admitted ASAP, she can't leave. Hook her up to the IV antibiotics and get the burns unit down to see her. That burn has been festering for a few days."

"What's going on Will?"

"I don't think these injuries are accidental."

"What makes you think that?"

"I just have some doubts."

"Will, haven't you learnt your lesson about jumping to conclusions?" Maggie tried to put the brakes on. "It never ends well for you."

"Maggie, I'm serious. I going to call Jay but I want someone to keep an eye on them both at all times. He isn't leaving her side so I can't talk to her alone. If you get the chance see what you can do, but she doesn't leave this place. Okay?" Something in the look on his face made Maggie suddenly take him very seriously. If he was calling his brother in on this, this shit was serious.

Will disappeared into an empty office and called Jay. "Hey Kim Burgess is here again."

"I heard. Flu or something?" It had been all over the District when they got back.

"No Jay, she has an infected burn on her chest, a significant burn. Apparently she split coffee on herself a week ago. I don't know man, I am not liking this."

"You think it's Roman? Has she said anything?"

"No, I can't get him to leave. I can't get her alone and at the moment she's pretty out of it. I've admitted her for treatment and he's not happy about it so I don't know how long we've got but I am not letting her go tonight. Call it a gut instinct."

He headed downstairs "Sgt?" He beckoned Platt out to the back room. "Burgess? She collapsed?"

"Yeah Flu apparently."

"Really? Interesting. Is that what she told you?"

"No Roman did. He was with her; he tried to get her to stay home today but you know Burgess. Why?"

"Will called. She's got a serious infected burn on her chest. From spilling coffee on herself." He paused "And that hand injury, she told him it was a work injury but told you something different."

All the colour drained from Platt's face as it suddenly dawned on her what Halstead was insinuating. "Are you saying…."?

Jay held up his hands. "Whoa, I am not saying anything yet. Will is worried and so am I. Erin has been trying to catch up with her for weeks and she keeps blowing her off. There was the hand injury and now this. Something is not right."

She leant forward and whispered. "Have you told anyone else?" and by anyone she meant Ruzek and Voight. Sure Ruzek had basically just stepped aside and let her go once she hooked up with Roman but it was obviously to every single person who knew him that he still cared about her and there was no way he would stand by and let anyone hurt her. And Voight, he barely tolerated Roman because while he thought he was a good cop he also had a bad attitude that had only intensified since he'd been on desk duty.

"No." He ran one hand over his face. "Look, I don't want this to get blown out of proportion or start the rumour mill buzzing but I think we need to look into a few things. Will is keeping her in hospital tonight so I will see what I can dig up."

Platt swung from stunned to outright rage in a matter of seconds. She had trusted him; hell she'd actually liked him. If he'd hurt one hair on her head she would personally hand him over to Voight herself. Burgess was without a doubt her favourite. She loved that woman, despite her stupid personal decisions. None of this would be happening if she'd sorted her shit out and talked to Ruzek.

Halstead knocked on Voight's door. It was early the next morning, He'd checked in with Will and Burgess was doing well so he knew that she would be okay for a night at least while she was still in Med. He had gone over things in his head and he and Erin had spent the best part of the night talking about what to do. The ramifications of what this kind of bombshell could do had the potential to blow up in his face if he was wrong and it could end people's careers. But if he was right and did nothing he couldn't live with himself. "What is it?" Voight looked up from his paperwork, slightly annoyed. He liked to come in early and make a dent in his Paperwork before the rest of them turned up.

Jay closed the door behind him. "Boss, Can I talk to you about something?"

"Lindsay?" He cocked his head and smiled a little before noticing the look on Halstead's face.

"No. Look I don't want to jump off all half cocked, it could be nothing….."

"Spit it out."

"I think Burgess is being abused."

 _ **A/N:**_ _I am a little nervous about posting this story...but someone challenged me to write it so I thought I would give it a go. I apologise if I upset any Roman fans, I know I have written him completely OOC. Anyway I am happy for you to let me know what you think & if it should continue._


	2. Chapter 2 - We Know Enough

"Abused?" He dropped his pen on his desk. Halstead now had his full attention. "What do you mean? By who?" He looked over Halstead's shoulder to where Ruzek was sitting. He was a hot head at times and could push as hard as he needed as a cop but he would never step over the line with regards to women and especially not with Burgess. Voight wouldn't even entertain that.

"By Roman." He noticed a dark cloud descend over Voight. A lot of things pissed Voight off and then there were a few things that just sent him to another level. Children and Women being among them, they were completely off limits.

"What?"

Halstead took a deep breath. "Will has told me she has been in a couple of times with some injuries and that the stories didn't really add up. She apparently shut her hand in a door while making an arrest, however Platt says she told her it happened at home and never filed the paperwork for an on the job injury that required hospital attention. She also had a bruise on her forearm, which looked liked finger marks according to Will. Yesterday she collapsed in the locker room, Roman said she had the flu but they called an Ambo anyway and she has an infected burn on her chest from apparently spilling coffee on herself." The words came all out in a rush. "Erin has tried to catch up with her but she keeps blowing her off. Something's not right."

"Who else knows?"

"I've only talked to Erin and Platt." Voight grabbed his desk phone and called Trudy up to his office. By that stage the Bullpen was starting to fill as his team wandered in to start the day. He looked at Ruzek who was at his desk checking his emails and he was oblivious to it all. If he had any inkling that something was going on he would be banging down his door demanding they do something, or worse still he would go after Roman himself.

"What's going on in there?" Ruzek nodded at Voight's office when Platt appeared and headed straight in.

"No idea." Atwater responded with a casual shrug. Platt hadn't even acknowledged them as she walked through but then again that wasn't unusual. Platt and happy greetings were mutually exclusive.

"What's your take on all this?" Voight asked Platt straight up.

"Can I say I am worried? If I find out he's laid one finger on her I will personally put him in the cage for you and Ruzek to deal with." She spat out. The more she thought about it the angrier she got and Mouch unfortunately got the full force of her rage last night.

"What do we do?" Halstead interrupted them. "We can't let her go home with him. She's still in hospital today and he's with her constantly."

"Can you call Will and get him to keep her in?"

"I can try although he said that Roman is pretty adamant that he's taking her home today."

Voight looked thoughtful. He rubbed his temples trying to get this all straight in his head. "Seeing as this is all just speculation at this point we can't go in with all guns blazing as much as we want too."

Platt was pacing back and forth in the corner of his office. "I can call him into work. I'll find a reason while we try and talk to Kim. Maybe if we get him away from her she'll talk." Halstead was surprised that Platt had used her first name. It was then he knew how close this all was to her and how hard she was going to take this, if it was true.

"Halstead I'm leaving this up to you at this stage. Keep it to yourself for mow. I am not running the risk of Ruzek finding out." Trudy agreed to help him out, but it was just the two of them at this stage. "Keep me in the loop."

Jay left them in the office. He grabbed his coat from the back of his chair. "I'll be back in a bit." He mumbled as he took off. Erin looked up from her desk and shrugged at Antonio when he looked at her quizzically he knew that sometimes things just jumped off and they would be bought in if required but Erin knew it was more than that, she was pretty sure that this had something to do with their concerns about Burgess and Roman. She wasn't surprised that Voight was trying to keep it in house at this early stage and she had to go along with it and it was taking all her willpower not to jump in feet first as was her usual mode of operation.

Trudy turned to Voight. "Hank."

He held up his hand. "I know Trudy, I know."

"She's one of the good ones. She doesn't deserve this."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Hank. I know. Now looking back I just know." They were both surprised to hear a small sob escape. Voight rested his hand on hers and squeezed it lightly.

Roman was starting to get a little frustrated. Nobody would tell him what was going on. Every time he asked when the Doctor would be in they blew him off. "What?" he snapped as he answered his phone.

"Officer Roman." Platt squeezed out. "Is that anyway to answer your phone."

"Sorry Sarge. Just a little frustrated."

"How's Burgess?" It actually hurt her to ask him, she wanted to reach down the phone and grab him by the scruff of the neck.

"Great. Much better today and hopefully we'll be out of here soon."

"Good to hear." How in the hell she was doing this? Being nice to him went against the very fibre of her being. "Anyway I need you to get your scrawny arse back in here."

"I can't. We are waiting for the Doctor to come in and discharge us."

"Look I have a judge riding my arse about some paperwork you stuffed up yesterday. Come and sort it out or I'll have you typing up traffic reports in the basement for months. I can make your desk duty far more unappealing. Now, Officer Roman." She hung up.

"I've gotta go." He let out a frustrated grunt and turned to Burgess. "When I get back I'll get you out of here. I promise" He leant in to kiss her and she flinched slightly.

He smiled. He couldn't help it.

Jay watched from a distance as Roman left the hospital. He figured they had half an hour tops, perhaps an hour if Platt had her way so he took off inside and with Will they slipped into Kim's room. Her eyes were closed and she was shaking. "Hey Kim." Jay held her hand softly and she looked relieved when she saw Jay. "We are here to help you? Do you need our help?"

The tears sprung from her eyes. "I don't know what to do." Will backed out of the room and let Jay talk to her alone.

"Did Roman do this to you?"

She nodded and admitting it to someone felt like finally there was a light at the end of this dark tunnel that she found herself in, although it still seemed so far away and it could disappear at any moment and she would be worse off than she was now.

"You need to tell me what he did." Halstead pulled up a chair and sat close to the edge of the bed.

"He gets angry. He thinks I am going to cheat on him or go back to Adam." She choked on his name. Everything was so screwed up. If she hadn't listened to him from the start she could still be with Adam and this wouldn't be happening. She had ruined everything and Roman seemed to take great pleasure in what she had done to Adam. He hated him and she didn't quite know why.

"What did he do? The burn?"

"Hot coffee. He threw it at me. I came home late from the gym." Her voice was so weak and broken. Domestic violence always got to him, it was one of the worst parts of the job but when it was happening to someone he knew and cared about it made it very real. To some degree you could distance yourself from it all when you didn't know the victims but this he couldn't. He knew it was going to shock a lot of people he cared about. "Your hand?"

"I went to leave and he grabbed my arm and slammed the door on it."

"Anything else?"

"Not physically. He locked me in the bedroom one day and he checks my phone everyday for messages, emails and phone calls. He wants to know where I am all the time."

"Kim, did he ever force you to have sex with him."

"No." Jay wasn't convinced but Kim had turned her head away and for now he knew not to push her. What he had to make sure was that she wasn't going to change her mind and try and protect him. It happened all too often, the victims started blaming themselves, convincing themselves that it was their own fault and that it only happened because the abuser really did love them. Smart women, women who knew better could become so powerless. He needed Burgess to stay strong.

"You know this stops now. We can make it stop."

"He's coming back to take me home."

"No he's not."

Halstead rang Voight while his brother and Maggie worked out how to get her out of here. They thought about transferring her to another hospital but Roman had the necessary contacts to find out where she was and the chance that someone would let it slip was too great. She was reasonably well known around the hospitals. The burn still needed regular dressing changes and IV antibiotics so they decided that she would go home with Maggie. Will and Maggie could manage her at home. Maggie had kept her distance from Kim since she had been in and hopefully Roman wouldn't make the link.

"Boss." Voight knew what Halstead was about to say by the tone of his voice.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep." He relayed Burgess's admissions. "She's terrified, she's scared that he is coming back for her. Maggie has agreed to take her home to her place for safety. They are just getting that organised. Is Roman still at the District? We need to get her out of here first."

"I'll find out. Get her out ASAP." Voight hung up and sat for just a moment hoping that his rage would lessen. It didn't. He picked up a folder from his desk and threw it across the room. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked into his office. Al approached him and Voight held up his hand to stop him and he backed off.

"Trudy. Is Roman still here?" he called downstairs.

"I couldn't stop him leaving. He's going back to the hospital. Hank?"

"I'm sorry Trudy." He heard Trudy's sharp intake of breath. "Halstead is getting her out of the hospital, somewhere safe. Don't worry about that right now. Kim's safe and we'll get Roman for this."

"Hank." The last time he'd heard that much emotion in Trudy's voice was when Nadia was murdered.

"Trudy. We are going to get him. He's not going to hurt her again. You have my word."

He beckoned Al. "We need to go make an arrest and I need you to make sure I don't lose it. This is going to be done by the book."

"Sure, who?"

"Sean Roman."

"For?" Al felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck. He had his issues with the guy and never really trusted him or liked him and by the look on Voight's face he knew that he wasn't going to like what he was about to say.

"Domestic Violence." Al felt his heart fall and he glanced over his shoulder at Ruzek and Voight followed his eyes. "He doesn't know and I want to keep it that way for now."

"Where is Kim?" Roman stormed from her room and leant over the nurses' desk. He got back from Platt's ridiculous paperwork crap and found her room empty. His heart thudded a little in his chest but everyone seemed not to notice or care that he had a problem. He should never have left, especially since he'd made that stuff up about the burn and the flu. He was confident though that she didn't have the guts to do anything about it, she was weak like that.

Jay had gone with Maggie to make sure that Burgess was safely away from the hospital. Voight texted him as soon as he got off the phone with Platt. _'Get her out of there now.'_ She cried all the way to Maggie's. Jay let her fall against his chest but she didn't say much and he didn't want to push her just yet. First of all they needed to make her feel like she was safe.

"What's going to happen now?"

Maggie handed her a glass of water and sat down on the opposite side to Jay. "You are staying here for a bit." Maggie told her. "We need to look after that burn for starters."

Jay added. "Roman will be arrested. We will need a formal statement from you. Are you ready for that?"

"I don't know."

"Kim." Jay made her look at him. "You can do this. You have too. This is not right and you know that. As a woman and as a cop, you know this is not right. I know you can do this, you are a strong beautiful woman who doesn't deserve this."

"It's just.." her voice was shaky. "..he gets angry and a little insecure. I don't think he means to hurt me."

"Don't do this Kim. You know better than this. How many DV cases have you been too? It is never the victim's fault, never. It's not love, he doesn't love you."

"He does."

"No. You don't abuse the ones you love."

"I love Adam." She had no idea where that came from and a fresh round of tears trickled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. Does he know?"

"I know you do and no he doesn't know."

Roman banged on the Nurses' desk. "Where the hell is she?" he roared.

"Not here." The nurse replied calmly. It was then that he knew that they knew. Burgess had opened her stupid mouth and that's why they were hiding her somewhere. It also meant that he had to get out of here. No doubt they would send fucking Intelligence.

Al and Voight arrived just after he left. "Where is Sean Roman?"

"He took off as soon as he realised that Kim was gone." Voight banged on the desk making the nurse jump. He apologised immediately.

"Did he say anything? Where he was going?"

"He was angry, but he didn't say anything."

"Is there anyway he knows where she is?" He asked Dr Halstead.

"No and Jay is with them."

Voight called Halstead. "He's in the wind."

"How?"

"He must have realised that we've got Burgess and knows he's cooked." Voight told him to sit tight while they checked Burgess's place and Roman's.

The last thing Halstead wanted to do was tell Kim that Roman was still out there, looking for her. Returning to the couch where Maggie was comforting her she searched his face for an answer. She didn't like what she saw. Just then her phone rang and it was Roman. They didn't have time to track it nor did he have to tell her that Roman wasn't in custody. They sat and looked at the phone while it rang, eventually going to message bank. The first thing Halstead had done when they were getting Kim out of the hospital was turned off her GPS and Find my Phone App.

 _'Baby, where are you? Kim I'm worried. Let me know where you are and I will come and get you. We'll sort all this nonsense out. Baby, I will find you.'_

It rang again a minute later. _'Kim, come on don't be stupid. Don't play games with me. You don't want to play this game.'_

"I'm sorry."

"Kim, it's not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I do, I have to take my share of the blame."

"No you don't."

Maggie took Kim down to her bedroom and after giving her another dose of anti-biotic she left her to rest a while.

As soon as Maggie had taken her out of the room he called Voight. "He's started calling her. Can you get someone over here and grab her phone. See if Mouse can track the calls. I don't want to leave Kim." Voight didn't want her left alone either. They wanted her in Police Protection until they found him. He promised to get Mouse and Erin over there the moment they got back to the Station. They had just arrived at Kim's place.

There was no sign of Roman although when they talked to her neighbour he had been there. He wasn't happy and had banged on the neighbours door demanding to know where she was.

"Is Kim in trouble?" Her elderly neighbour asked.

"Not anymore. Call us is he comes back. It's important." Al handed her his card and reassured her that Kim would be fine. "Just don't open the door to him okay?"

They checked his place next, not that they thought he was stupid enough to go home. Voight was getting more and more agitated. "I think it's time we called it in."

Al tried to be a voice of reason, after all that's why Voight bought him in on this. "We call it in and his name is all over the radio and the news."

Voight knew he was right but he just wanted to find him. He didn't really care about Roman's reputation at this stage "We need more eyes looking for him. Do you believe Burgess?"

"Absolutely, without a doubt." Al answered without hesitation.

"I feel like we have one shot at it. He's already got wind of it I'm sure and the more people that know the more he's likely to run or worse. And if she backs out…"

"Do you think she will? Even then we have enough surely."

"No, she's not backing out." Voight wouldn't let her. There was no way he was walking away from this. "Let's get Lindsay out to see her and get a statement. Until then it stays in house."

"What about Ruzek?" For Al, aside from worrying about Kim and finding Roman his concern also extended to his young partner.

"He worries me." Voight nodded. "How do you think he'll react?"

"Not well." Al adjusted this beanie, a sign that he was worried. "Not well at all. You know the kid still loves her. He tries to pretend that he doesn't but the only person he's fooling is himself."

When they got back Voight called Erin and Platt into his office. "I need you to take Mouse and Ruzek with you and get a statement from Burgess. Mouse, I need him to track Roman's calls and Ruzek I just need him to stay away from here until we find Roman."

"So it's true?"

"I know you and Halstead had some concerns about what was going on with Burgess. We have Burgess somewhere safe now with Halstead but Roman is in the wind. He knows he's cooked but we have no idea where he is."

"Oh god." She looked from Platt back to Voight. "What do I tell Ruzek?" This was going to send him off the deep end. Hell, given half the chance she wanted to face Roman herself. Her heart broke a little bit more for Ruzek. He had taken their split hard and the hook up with Roman even harder. Finding out in court was such a gut punch for him but he'd done his best to stay on track at work and respect her decision. Behind closed doors she was pretty sure it was a different matter, he was gutted by it. And then there was Burgess. She'd obviously been hurt, confused and tried to move on from Ruzek and she didn't believe she'd made good choices but no one deserved to be physically abused and it was all a little surreal.

"Nothing yet. We are playing this straight down the line. That's why I don't want him involved."

"He's going to flip out." Erin reminded them.

"We know but we are hoping that if he hears it from Burgess he won't want to leave her. That's also up to you and Halstead to make sure he doesn't leave. The last thing we need is him flipping out completely and doing something stupid."

"Okay." Voight stood in the centre of the bullpen. "We have a woman in protective custody at the moment. She has been the victim of Domestic Violence and we have some concerns for her safety. The guy we are looking for knows he's probably in our sights and is currently in the wind. Lindsay, Ruzek and Mouse head over to relieve Halstead and get a statement. Mouse, we need to find out where this guy is. He's still calling her." He kept his voice as even as he could but he couldn't look at Ruzek.

"Do we know anything else?" Ruzek was following blindly behind Lindsay and Mouse. Lindsay had been unusually chatty on the way over and he just zoned out. She was talking to Mouse about some bar they hit up on the weekend.

Lindsay stopped on the stairs. "We know enough."

"Okay, seems weird. Is this one of Voight's blasts from the past?"

Lindsay ignored him and knocked on the door and was greeted by Halstead. "Hey."

"Where is she?"

"Lying down. She's had a tough morning."

"What's going on?" Ruzek's palms grew sweaty and he could feel his heart starting to race. It was the way they were all looking at him. All day they had a feeling that something was going on, something big and they were being kept out of the loop.

Halstead put a hand on his shoulder. "Mate. Burgess is here. Go see her."

He shook his head; this wasn't making sense. "What for? What's going on?"

"Adam." Lindsay closed the door behind him. "You need to see her."

"Why?"

"We thought that you could help her. She's had a rough few weeks."

He crossed his arms across his chest. He was doing perfectly well not seeing her; it was just starting to hurt less. Getting up each day was getting easier. "I know what that feels like. What has this got to do with the DV case?"

There was no easy way to say it so Halstead just blurted it out.

"Burgess is the victim."


	3. Chapter 3 If you feel like your spinning

**A/N:** I wasn't going to post this until the weekend, but the sun is shining, I've got a day off  & I was feeling generous...Hope you like it :)

Suddenly the world seemed to fall away under his feet. "What?" His head snapped back and forth between Halstead and Lindsay and he swayed a little when it finally dawned on him that this was no joke. "What the fuck?"

Maggie stepped forward and rested a hand on his arm. "She's down in the room on the left."

For a moment his feet felt like they were nailed to the spot. He couldn't move and his mind spun wildly as he was trying to get the words straight in his head. "What?" he repeated.

Halstead reached out and grabbed onto him trying to bring him back from wherever his mind was spinning off to. "Ruzek. You can help her."

"What did he do?" The words finally sunk in. "What did Roman do?"

"Go talk to her Man."

Halstead lowered himself onto the couch as soon as Ruzek headed towards the bedroom. Erin perched herself next to him and slipped an arm across his shoulder. "How are you?"

"Man, this is all bullshit." He leant back and folded his arms behind his head. He was agitated and angry. "How? How did we miss this? How did we not know?"

"It's not like we deliberately ignored it. We haven't seen much of them lately. Now we know why. We thought it was just because things were awkward with her and Ruzek now she was with Roman." Erin was trying keep everything under control. They had to focus on their job. True, it wasn't just any case but that made it all the more important that they stayed on course.

"I hate this for Kim, I hate this for Ruzek."

"I do too."

Adam pushed open the door slowly and stood in the doorway watching her for a moment. His heart was in his throat and he felt like he was going to vomit, he had no idea what to expect. Kim was curled up on the bed and she looked as beautiful as ever. All he could see a dressing on her chest and an IV bung in her hand, there were no bruises or cuts to her face and he felt the breath he had been holding leave his lungs. Her eyes were closed but her face was streaked with tears, like she had been crying for hours. Only once had he seen that before, the night after they had spent all day trapped in that warehouse. He crouched down beside the bed and tentatively reached out and brushed the hair away from her face. "Kim."

Her eyes flew open and he was startled by the look of fear on her face, it was that same look she gave him when he approached her in the locker room after the recent shooting. Her eyes were wild. "Adam." She eventually whispered. "How?"

"Doesn't matter. Are you okay?"

"No." He kept stroking her face lightly. Kim closed her eyes; she couldn't look at him but for just a moment she wanted to feel him touching her again. It felt familiar and more importantly it made her feel safe and lately when anyone touched her she felt anything but safe. "I'm so sorry."

"Shhh, it's not your fault." He felt his fingers tingle. To be touching her again was so bittersweet.

"For us."

"Not now Kim." He choked on the words a little. "What happened?"

"It's so screwed up."

"What did he do?" Adam demanded softly.

"He threw hot coffee at me. It got infected and when I collapsed at work they took me to hospital." Adam felt his barely contained rage bubbling to the surface and he felt every muscle in his body tighten.

"What else?"

"He tried to break my hand. A few weeks ago."

"And?"

Kim didn't answer she just closed her eyes and let the feeling of having him close calm her. How had she got it so wrong? After all that had happened he still had her back. He still cared and she had stomped all over his heart. Sure he wasn't perfect but time and distance and experience had led her to know that he was perfect for her and she had thrown all that away. For what?

Never in her wildest dreams did she think he would be here. His hand moved to her hip and he rested his head on the bed as he tried to control all his emotions. Hurt, anger, frustration, despair and pure rage swirled through him. He didn't know he had that depth of rage in him and trying to control it was hard.

He stayed with her until her breath evened out and she fell asleep.

"How's Kim?" Erin jumped up and tried to offer him some support when he came out.

"Asleep." He brushed her off and was pacing around the room, they could all sense that he was a tightly wound coil and it was just a matter of time until he snapped. "How long?" he eventually exploded.

Jay tried to keep his voice calm, letting his own anger show was not going to help them keep Ruzek under control. "Not long. Will bought it up a few weeks ago when she hurt her hand but she blew it off. It wasn't until yesterday when she was taken to hospital that we figured it out."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Anger was dripping out of every pore. He wasn't just angry at Roman, he was angry at everyone.

"Because we didn't want you going off all half cocked at Roman and putting Burgess at more risk. When we figured it out our first priority was that we needed to make sure Kim was safe and away from him."

"Where is the fucking prick now?

"We don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" he screamed at them. He turned to Erin "Can you stay with Kim?" he snapped as he started heading to the door. Halstead stood in his way. "Move."

"No. I can't let you go." Ruzek tried to push him out to the way but Halstead stood his ground. "Ruzek, just cool it. You are better off here, looking after Kim. He doesn't know where she is and we are going to find him. Voight and Al are all over it."

He pointed down the hallway. "That's Kim in there. He abused…" he gasped for air. "..Kim, he hurt….her." The longer he spoke the more he struggled to breathe, he felt like he had an elephant sitting on his chest. "I loved her and she left me for a guy who hurt her, who abused her. What else did he do?" He swung around to face Halstead. "You know don't you?"

"She hasn't said much else."

"Did he rape her?" Ruzek couldn't believe those words came out of his mouth. He tried to soften them. "Did he force her to have sex with him?" It hurt to say them, and he suddenly felt like he was being stabbed in the chest and he bent over and took a few deep breaths. He saw Halstead, Lindsay and Maggie all look at each other. "Did he? If he did I will kill him."

"We don't know. Kim hasn't said a lot yet. Once she's awake I'll talk to her."

"I'll do it."

"No you won't." Erin stepped forward. "You know you can't be in there."

"I'm not leaving her."

"I know Adam. You can stay here but I will talk to her." Erin stood her ground. Mouse had taken off back to the District with Kim's phone. It would be easier to track from there. He had been more than a little shocked by the news. He didn't have an issue with Roman; he had always been pretty cool with him until now. Now he was going to do whatever he needed to do to help them find him.

Ruzek staggered to the couch and sat down heavily when he felt like his legs were about to give out and dropped his head into his hands. Halstead sat next to him and rested a hand around his shoulders. "It's okay man, let it go." And he held on tight to his mate as he sobbed his heart out.

As soon as Lindsay had left the District with Ruzek and Mouse Voight pulled the whiteboard to the centre of the room and taped two photos to the board. "What the hell?" Atwater's jaw dropped as he looked at the photos that Voight put up. He couldn't believe that he was looking at Burgess and Roman.

"We need to find Sean Roman." Voight spoke before turning around.

"You are kidding me?" Antonio finally found his voice.

"I wish I was." Voight faced them and shook his head sadly. "The woman we have in protective custody is Burgess."

The silence was deafening. "What?" Antonio stood with his hands on his hips: this had to be a joke, right? Except why would they joke about something like this? He looked from Voight to Al.

"I'll fucking kill him." Atwater roared as he stood up so quickly that his chair crashed to the floor. He was literally shaking and he slammed both of his hands onto his desk sending half its content scattering.

"It's a long line." Voight muttered.

"Where's Burgess now?" Antonio was trying to get his head around it while Atwater cooled down.

"She's safe. She's with Halstead, Lindsay and Ruzek."

"They knew? What did he do?"

"Halstead came to me this morning with his concerns. His brother had been worried because of a few injuries that Burgess had come in with so Halstead got her away from Roman with the help of Will and Maggie at Med. Lindsay took Ruzek over to see her. He had no idea until then but I knew he wouldn't be able to control himself; he's no good to us while we are trying to find Roman. It was better that he was there to help Burgess."

"I know what he'd do to that piece of shit and I'll happily do it for him." Atwater didn't even bother to keep his voice down.

"And the same goes for you." He looked at Atwater. "If you can't control yourself you are no good to us. We are doing this straight down the line." Voight was adamant as much as he agreed with Atwater. "Trust me it will take all my willpower not to beat the shit out of him but for Kim's sake he needs to be handled right so that there is no way he wriggles off the hook. He's cooked and the thing is he probably knows it so this isn't going to be easy. He's a smart cop, he knows how we work."

Atwater nodded. "Is Kim okay?"

"She is and she is being well cared for."

"What'd he do?"

Voight looked over his shoulder as Commander Crowley came up the stairs. "Not now Kev." Before they disappeared into his office. Al stayed behind and filled them both in on what they knew so far. "We know he's been at Burgess's place looking for her."

It was now Antonio's turn to lose it. "He's a cop. You know I'd take a dirty cop over this any day."

Ruzek paced back and forth in the lounge room while Erin and Maggie spoke to Kim. Halstead sat and watched him but he didn't say much. Even when he tried to talk to him his answers were almost monosyllabic.

Erin was worried that Kim was going to back out as she tried to talk it down a little. Erin kept pushing though; she wasn't going to let him off, none of them were. "Kim, I have to ask." She squeezed her hand. "Did Roman ever force you to have sex with him?"

"No." but her voice wobbled and she started to sob harder. "I don't know."

'What does that mean?"

"I guess there were a few times that I didn't want to but he kept going. But you don't always feel like it, in any relationship. I am sure there are times you don't really feel like it with Jay."

"True, but Kim this is not like that. He had no right to force you. That's sexual assault."

"No Erin, No." she sat up suddenly and protested painfully.

"Hey. Hey" Erin pulled her against her chest. "I can only imagine how horrific this has been for you, but you are a strong beautiful woman that has so many people ready to help you. We want to make sure he doesn't get away with anything and has no chance of hurting you or anyone else again. You can put a stop to it, I know you can do this and we'll all be here for you. All of us."

"Please Erin, I'll admit to the burn and my hand but I won't say that he forced me to have sex. You and I both know proving that when you are in a relationship is almost impossible."

'It shouldn't stop you."

"No." she said adamantly.

"Okay." They moved on and finished off her statement. But Erin wasn't giving up on that. She'd give her time and then came at it again. Too many women let men get away with it because it was hard to prove, she was right about that. However if nobody took a stance nothing would change.

"Is Adam still here?"

"He is. Do you want to see him?"

"No. I don't know. This is all such a mess. I treated him so badly."

"It has been a mess but he's here because he cares. You know that and I doubt that's changed in the last hour."

"Hey." He said softly as he came and sat on the bed beside her. "You okay?"

"Not really." Kim took a deep breath. "Thank you." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Thank you for being here for me. You didn't have to, I wouldn't blame you if you left and never came back. After everything I've done to you. I don't know why you keep coming back."

"Because you are hurt." He wanted to tell her it was because he still loved her, no matter how hard he had tried to stop. No matter how many times she'd kicked him in the balls but he couldn't tell her that.

"I can't believe how much of a mess I've made of everything."

"This thing with Roman, the abuse it's not your fault."

"I know, but I knew about his temper before I got involved with him."

"Kim, he's not going to hurt you again. I promise you that. You've got the whole of the District behind you. They'll all support you."

"And you."

"I've told you before, whatever you need. I've got your back." Again he sat with her, his hand resting on her leg until she fell asleep. Maggie promised to stay with her and tell her that he would be back soon if she woke. He needed to go and talk to Voight. He needed to know what was going on.

Halstead reminded him not to do anything stupid. If he did and Roman walked he would never forgive himself. Antonio jumped up from his desk when he saw him come up the stairs.

"How's Burgess? How are you?"

"Burgess is okay, she's sleeping. Me…" he shrugged. "I don't know. I am finding it hard to get my head around it all, it fells like I'm in some horror movie."

"If you need anything, let me know." Antonio could see that he was itching to talk to Voight. "If you feel like you are spinning, you come to me. If you want to hit something, anytime of the day or night you call, okay?"

Voight was surprised to see him. "You don't have to be here."

"I want to know what's going on. Have you found him yet?"

"No and you know you can't be involved."

"Why not?"

"You are too close to this. You know that."

"Just tell me what's going on and I'll leave. I owe it to Burgess. I couldn't protect her from this I can do this for her now."

"Adam." Voight came and put his hand on his shoulder. "None of this is your fault. None of it. Choices were made, things happened. The only person to blame for this is Sean Roman. No-one else, not Burgess, not you."

"I know but it doesn't make me feel any better. I let her go and basically pushed her into his bed and look what happened? If I'd fought harder for her none of this would have happened."

"Not to Kim but it would have happened to someone else."

"Yeah, sure but it's Kim. He did this to Kim." That elephant was back again and he pressed his hands to his eyes. He was stronger than this; he didn't want to cry in front of his boss. "Where the fuck is he?"

"We don't know yet but we have a lot of people out looking. Patrol is all over it, they are watching his house, Kim's house and yours." Voight watched as a confused look came over him.

"Mine? Why?"

"Because, for some reason Burgess thinks that he has it in for you. He thinks she is still in love with you. Because he's unhinged and he's asshole, but he's also a cop and he's is a damn good one."

"I'm not scared of him. If you think he'll come after me let him come."

"We are not there yet." Voight held up both his hands to stop him. He knew it was a possibility that they may have to use Ruzek as bait but not until they had exhausted every other avenue. "If you want to protect Burgess from him you need to be smart. I need you to go back and look after Burgess."

He agreed reluctantly that the best place for him was with Kim. She was asleep when he got back to Maggie's. "How's she been?" he asked Maggie as she handed him a coffee.

"Not too bad." She took a seat opposite Adam. "What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing." He shrugged. "I have no idea. I'm not sure what happened but it's over between us and she moved on."

"Do you really believe that? Then why are you here?"

"I'm here because I still care about her a lot, I can't help myself but she made it perfectly clear that she wanted something else, that she didn't love me and I need to accept that and move on too. Doesn't mean I ever wanted to see her hurt like this."

"I think you'd be surprised by what she wants."

"It's not the time." He wearily pushed himself out of the chair. "Anyway, I'm going to sit with her for a while."

Kim was fast asleep. He touched her face lightly before sitting down on the floor beside the bed. He rested his back against the mattress and closed his eyes. He was surprised that he dozed off because when he wasn't the greatest of sleepers and when he was this worked up about something basically an insomniac. It was his phone buzzing in his pocket that woke him. He stole a quick look at Kim who was still sleeping and slipped out of the room.

It was Voight. "Can you come in?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"Roman has been calling Burgess and he seems to think that she is with you. We think he's going after you." Mouse had tracked his phone to Ruzek's address. It had taken him a while, he was smart enough to turn off his GPS but Mouse was onto that from the start and worked his magic.

"Ha, she is with me." He chuckled despite the seriousness of what was happening. "I am on my way."

When he arrived at the District everyone was waiting for him. "How's Burgess?" Lindsay asked.

"She's still sleeping. I think Maggie gave her something."

They had a plan. Ruzek was to go home, as bait. They had a patrol officer from another District with a similar build and colouring to Burgess that he would arrive with to look like Kim was with him, they had found some of her clothes in her locker for her to wear. They believed it was there best chance to draw him out of whatever shadow he was hiding in.

"Vest up." Voight told him.


	4. Chapter 4 - Was it worth it?

He went back to Maggie's while they took Roman in. He had begged Voight to let him be there for his Interrogation but he point blank refused. "I am not letting you anywhere near him. You are too worked up. Let us handle it. You know the best place for you right now is with Burgess." Kim was awake now and they were sitting up talking. She had been disappointed when Maggie told her that Adam had been and gone while she slept. "Can you give us a minute?" he asked Maggie.

"What is it?"

"He's in custody." Adam didn't sit; he rocked back and forth on his heels. His arms were folded across his chest like he was trying to protect himself from her, from everything. He was still worked up and the adrenaline was still coursing through his veins.

"How? What did he say?"

"Nothing, he said nothing." Kim was a little unnerved by the intensity of his gaze. "I don't know if he's talked yet. They won't let me near him and I wanted to come here and let you know, so that you can stop worrying."

"Where was he?"

"Doesn't matter, all that matters is that he can't hurt you again." He closed his eyes then quickly added. "or anyone else." There was no way he was going to tell her that Roman had gone after him. It had certainly rattled him but he knew, without a shadow of a doubt that he would do this for her. He would risk his life for her and that made him even more confused. He honestly didn't know which way was up at the moment.

Early the next morning Ruzek found himself in front of the holding cell. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets. They were shaking but not from fear, they were shaking in rage and seeing him bought it all rushing to the surface.

"What the fuck do you want?" Roman sneered at him.

Ruzek rolled his shoulders to try to release some of the tension. He'd been awake most of the night. Initially he sat with Kim while she cried and then while she slept. Finally had then tossed and turned on the floor beside her and eventually left Maggie's in the early hours of the morning and after a run and a shower he was now here, looking at the man who had shattered his whole world. "Why? Why would you hurt her?"

He took some kind of satisfaction from Roman's black eye. When Ruzek opened his door and faced Roman for the first time he felt his lips twitch into a painful smile. Roman saw the strange woman with him, he was stunned briefly and frozen to the spot then Voight and Olinsky appeared from behind Ruzek and he turned quickly, realising he'd been set up only to run head long into Antonio's fist. He was pretty sure he would have a nice little bruise on his back where Atwater dropped his knee into him as they handcuffed him and took very little care in dragging him down the stairs. Ruzek had watched from the doorway, strangely detached from it all.

"I don't need to tell you anything."

"No, true." He turned to leave before turning back. "Was it worth it? Did it make you feel like a man?"

"You know what? It's pathetic, you pretending that you care. It was so easy to convince her to dump you. She's so gullible it's quite sad really. It was a snap…" He clicked his fingers. ".to convince her that you didn't want to marry her. Ask about the 'push test', you'll see how stupid she is and after that it didn't take much to get her in my bed."

"Is that all you've got? I wonder how much of a man you'll feel when you are in Gen Pop and they find out you are a cop who beats up on women. They'll be licking their lips in anticipation. We'll see how much of a man you are then."

"You and I both know this won't stick. She's weak as piss."

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He wasn't expecting this."Typical fucking coward."

"And you are a gutless prick. Why don't you come in here and say that?"

'You are so not worth it." He walked away. It took everything he had to walk away. He had looked him in the eye. He wasn't sure why he needed too? Perhaps he wanted to see some regret, but there was none. He sounded like he hated her. Where was the remorse? Why wasn't he begging for forgiveness? Why wasn't he sorry that he had hurt her? Why didn't he love her, like he did? How the fuck had they all been duped by this guy for so long?

"Neither was she." Roman yelled after him but Ruzek didn't break stride. The guard nodded and patted him on the back on the way out.

He left the building; he couldn't stay in there any longer. Suddenly all the walls were closing in around him and he jumped in this truck and just drove. How he ended up by the lake he wasn't sure but looking out over the still water provided some relief from his torment. These past couple of days had thrown up so many emotions and taken him places that he never thought he could go. For the first time in his life he wanted to physically do harm, serious harm to someone. Sure he'd been pushed to the edge on several occasions in this job and it was only those metal bars that were keeping him from doing that kind of harm to Roman.

Adam knew he should have been thinking about Kim and he should be there for her like he promised he would be. His mind wouldn't let him though, not yet. Roman had said something. _'It was easy to convince her that you didn't want to marry her…'_ Was that it? Was that why she gave him back his ring? Did Roman manipulate her, screw with her mind? When did that start? What did he say to her? He always trusted him to have her back when they were on Patrol, but he had screwed him over and he had no idea why. What the fuck was going on?

In all the months since she called it off she never once explained to him the reasons why. That night when he blew off the dinner with her mother he felt like a dick because of it. She just dumped him without a reason then and there and walked away, she never even gave him a chance to try and explain. That was the only thing he could think of. And the push test? What the fuck was that? Stupidly he googled it and nothing came up. He threw his phone across the dash of this truck and started pounding his steering wheel and screaming in frustration until his hands ached.

Kim almost jumped out of her skin when they heard a knock on the door. Maggie squeezed her shoulder lightly as she got up to answer it. They hadn't talked much today; Kim seemed lost in her own world today and Maggie did wonder what was going through her head. Every so often she would ask something or mention a conversation or moment with Sean but for the most she was quiet.

Kim stood up when she saw Voight. "How are you doing?"

"I'm feeling better." Her hands were trembling and she clasped them tightly together so that Voight wouldn't see it. "Thank you for everything."

But he did. "Kim." He held both her hands to stop them shaking and encouraged her to sit. "I wish I'd known earlier. We would have kept you safe."

"I know but I didn't know what to do. Everything got so far out of control and I felt powerless. I guess I now understand how all those women we help feel."

"We always think we know how we will handle any given situation, reality is so much different." God knows there were situations that he had found himself in that required a different reaction to the one he ended up going with. He was trying to work on that, like yesterday he wanted to introduce Roman to the inside of the cage but everyone was watching this case. Commander Crowley was two foot up his backside from the moment she found out about it and again he had to fight to keep it under Intelligence's control. He promised her that once they had Roman he would hand it over to IA. He would also never forgive himself if Roman walked. His team wouldn't forgive him either and he couldn't expect Ruzek to toe the line if he wasn't willing to do it himself.

"And I couldn't come to Intelligence because of Adam. After everything I did to him and I know that Intelligence was his team, that they were on his side."

"He would have done the right thing. He never would have turned his back on you if you were being hurt. None of us would have."

"I know. I know that but at the time…" her voice trialled off. "Where is Sean?"

"Roman is in custody. He's had bailed denied. He's pissed off a lot of people. He's already been stripped of his badge and more importantly he can't hurt you or anyone else again." Voight let her rest her head on his shoulder and he pressed a tender kiss on her head.

After a few moments she lifted her head and wiped away her tears. "How's Adam?"

"He's pretty angry. I know he went to see Roman this morning."

"He didn't do anything stupid did he?"

"No. Surprisingly he listened. He's being smart for once. Gotta give him credit for that, I didn't think he had it in him. He's taken this pretty hard."

He may have been smart but where was he? He promised to come back and so far she had heard nothing from him. Voight had handed her back her phone but there was nothing, no messages from Adam. There were plenty of messages from everyone else checking in on her. They had also wiped all the messages from Roman.

Perhaps he had decided that it was all too much. Of course he said all the right things earlier and although she told him that she wouldn't blame him if he didn't come back it was breaking her heart all over again that he seemed to be taking up her offer to walk away. Why would he come back though? She had done nothing over the past few months to make him think she still cared about him. The problem was she still cared, far too much and she had tried to push away those feelings and it ended in disaster. It ended with her sitting here, alone and battered both physically and emotionally.

It wasn't long after Voight left that Atwater came to see her. Kim realised that she had all these people who could have helped her and she'd shut them out. As her patrol partner Atwater had always had her back, but unlike Roman he had no ulterior motives. He had been and always would be a friend, the best kind of friend; one who didn't want anything in return.

"The problem with Ruzek right now is that he blames himself." Kim finally asked about Adam. Atwater had cornered him before he saw Roman. Voight had also clued him in on Adam's current state of mind, that he was blaming himself for letting this happen and wanted Kevin to keep an eye on him. He made sure that all of Intelligence had his back. "He needs us, even if he doesn't know it yet. If he gets into trouble I'm coming for all of you." He pointed at all of them.

"For what?" Kim was a little surprised.

"All of it I guess." Atwater shrugged. He had tried to talk him down but that was easier said than done. Nobody was getting through to him, perhaps the only person who could do that was sitting here with him right now.

"None of this is his fault."

"That's not how he is seeing things right now." Atwater slung his arm over the back of the couch. Kim curled her feet up beneath her and pressed herself deeper into the corner of the couch. "He seems to think that this only happened because you weren't still with him."

"Even that's not really his fault." She had gone through moments when she did blame Adam, it wasn't rational but while she was in the middle of it all she couldn't help but think if Adam hadn't let her go none of this would be happening. Those moments were fleeting but they still stung. "I didn't give him a chance or a choice. I gave him no explanation why I called it off. I listened to Roman and he filled my head with doubts about Adam. He hates him for some reason. None of what Roman did to me is his fault."

"I'm not the one you need to be telling this to."

"I wish I could, but he's avoiding me right now and I can't say I blame him for that."

"He's just processing things. You know what he's like? He'll stew over things and get it straight in his head; otherwise he's a loose cannon. You taught him that, to slow down and think." Atwater squeezed her leg lightly and he was surprised that she jumped a little at his touch. That prick had done a serious number on her. How he would love just another few minutes alone with him. The arrest had given both him and Antonio some satisfaction; they certainly didn't treat him with kid gloves. The cuffs were just that little bit too tight and Antonio's perfect right jab had laid him out. Atwater was glad that he had Antonio with him as they drove him back to the District because he wasn't quite sure he would have stayed on track. "Give him a chance."

"I know." Kim smiled but there was no joy in her face. "I just really wish he was here. I felt safe with him here, for the first time in a long time. You never really think about it, how safe you feel with someone until you no longer have it, until suddenly you are too scared to go home."

"He's been through the wringer too. Obviously nowhere near as much as you but it was tough for him. Putting himself out there as bait was a big call, we didn't know if he was going to be able to do it. It wasn't that he was scared of Roman I think he was scared of what he would do to him."

"What do you mean bait?"

"Last night, some of the messages on your phone led us to believe that he was going after Ruzek. He thought that was where you were, with him. Turns out that Roman did turn up at Ruzek's. That's where we got him."

"Adam didn't tell me that last night. Is he okay?"

"He is." Atwater suddenly looked guilty, perhaps he shouldn't have said anything. It was obvious that he wanted to keep that from her. Why he had no idea? Knowing Ruzek it would be because he didn't want her to know that he would still do anything for her.

Now that she had her phone back she called her sister. She had no idea how to even start to tell her what had happened.

"Kim, are you okay?" Amanda could hear some trepidation in her sister.

"I've been in hospital." Kim tried to ease into it.

"What? What happened?"

"I had a burn, it got infected. On my chest."

"God Kim, why didn't you call? I would have come down."

"It's okay. I couldn't call, I didn't have my phone." She knew she wasn't making sense. "My phone was taken off me."

Kim could hear Amanda starting to freak out. "Kim, what's going on?"

"Sean, he took my phone off me. Amanda, he's been arrested for assault."

"Kim, what?" She wasn't sure she heard right. "What do you mean? Who did he assault?"

"Me, he assaulted me. Sean has been abusing me, for the last month or so. Someone at work found out and now they have arrested Sean and I'm okay."

"How can you be okay?" Amanda shrieked. It was a long and emotional conversation. Maggie had gone out and left Kim alone. She didn't need people constantly listening to all her private conversations. Amanda wanted to come and get her immediately but she needed to finish off her course of IV anti-biotics and she really wanted to see Adam. She couldn't go away without talking to him so they agreed on the weekend.

Adam didn't go back to see her. He couldn't face her, not yet. This had been the worst few days of his life and that was saying something because he'd had some pretty crappy ones lately. "Hey." He called her though. "How you doing today?" He sounded tired and spoke softly.

"I'm okay." The silence was awkward and they had never been like that before. "I'll be glad when I am done with these Meds though. They are making me feel like crap."

"Do you need anything?" Her head was screaming, yes. She needed him but that would probably make him run a mile. "No, thank you though. Maggie's been great." Again the silence was painful and prolonged. "Voight and Atwater came by."

"That's good." He paused for a moment. "I'm sorry I didn't come back."

"I understand."

"No, it's just…" she could hear him struggling to even speak. "I went and saw Roman."

"I heard. Are you okay?"

"Not really. I wanted to know why he did it."

"Adam…."

He interrupted her. "Kim. Tomorrow okay. We'll talk tomorrow." Adam needed time, he needed to get his head around all of this and he couldn't be near her to do that.


	5. Chapter 5 - I've accepted it

He had promised to come by and talk but the day just drifted on. Maggie had gone back to work today and Kim had assured her that she would be fine. Some time alone might be good, the last few days she had been surrounded constantly but as the day wore on the quietness had unnerved her and being left alone with only her thoughts and that wasn't pleasant. She had talked to her sister again who still wanted to come and get her but she couldn't leave until she had talked to Adam.

"Did you get much sleep?" Adam finally turned up with no explanation about where he had been all day, not that he owed her any.

It was late afternoon. She knew that he wasn't working because Platt had told her that he had been ordered to take the day off to get his head straight when she came to see her earlier in the day.

It was an emotionally draining time for Platt as well as Kim. "I wish I'd seen it, that you had come to me. I was angry at you for not doing that; for letting yourself go through this alone but it was misplaced. Then I was angry at myself for not noticing what was going on."

"You can't be angry at yourself. I did my best to hide it because I was scared and embarrassed. I could never understand why so many women put up with it, now I think I get it. You just don't know what to do. It was like a nightmare and I thought one day I would wake up and find out it was some horrible dream."

"Oh I am not angry at myself anymore. Trust me my anger is very well placed right now." It had certainly dawned on Kim in the last few days what havoc she had wreaked on the entire district. Everyone was feeling it, but at least she didn't feel so alone anymore and that had to be a good thing, right?

Platt had stayed at the District until they bought Roman in. Voight had kept her well in the loop and she had even offered to go with them when they finally tracked him down. How she would have loved to be the one to slap those cuffs on. As Antonio and Atwater bought him up the front steps, in full view of every single person in the foyer she stood stoically at her desk. "Sean Roman, you will be charged with Domestic Assault, you will be stripped of you badge and suspended effective immediately. You will be processed in the morning and held here overnight." Her voice was calm and steady while her gut was churning. She turned to Antonio. "Get him out of my sight."

Adam had bought some of her cupcakes and took them through to the small kitchen. "Not much. I was worried about you?" she admitted.

"Don't be. I'm fine." He came back and sat in the chair opposite her. Two days he felt so close but now the physical and emotional distance between them was unsettling. Maggie's place certainly wasn't big but it felt like an ocean between them. He could have been sitting on the other side of the world for how close he felt to her now.

"Adam, why didn't you tell me what happened when Roman was arrested. You made yourself bait?"

"I did what needed to be done. I was just doing my job. That was all."

Kim knew very well that wasn't all it was. Roman was coming after Adam for whatever reason and he put himself at risk because of it. She was glad she didn't know at the time because the very thought of it would have pushed her over the edge and she would have begged him not to do it. "Well thank you. I really appreciate it."

Silence fell over them. Kim watched as he picked at a loose thread on his jacket. She could still read him and his body language told her he was agitated.

"Tell me about the push test." He suddenly blurted out without looking at her. It made Kim jump a little and she wasn't sure she had heard him correctly.

"The what?"

"The P.U.S.H T.E.S.T." he repeated slowly and bitterly.

A small gasped escaped Kim's lips.

"Tell me." He demanded. He needed to know.

Kim took a deep breath. "When I found out that you'd been engaged twice before me I kinda freaked out. Roman suggested I give you the push test. That I should ask you to push back the wedding and if you agreed it meant that you didn't really want to marry me."

Adam slowly lifted his head, his eyes were so hard and it made her wince. "Do you know how pathetic that sounds?" He eventually spat out. He was angry and he had every right to be.

"Yes I do. Now I do. Now I know it was Roman playing mind games and I fell for it."

"He called you stupid, for listening to him. Did you know that?" Now he sounded sad.

"He called me worse that that I can assure you."

"Like what?"

"Doesn't matter anymore does it?"

Adam shrugged "I guess not." Again the silence was deafening. He was trying hard not to let his anger show because he didn't want to scare her, not after everything she'd already been through. "So you called off our engagement because Roman told you that I didn't want to marry you, because of a made up test. Did I get that right?"

"When it all boils down to it yes. That was the start of it." Kim knew, however painful it was that truth and honesty were her only options. "You didn't seem interested in the wedding or living together or meeting my Mom."

"We were living together basically and I said when Al was sorted we'd find a place."

"I know, but we couldn't really agree on what type of place."

"For the love of god Kim, we'd looked at a couple of places. What was the rush? It wasn't like we weren't together nearly every night anyway." He ran his hand up and down his thighs. "Meeting you Mom, that was shitty of me I know and I am sorry. I couldn't understand how that caused you to walk away from us though because I didn't know the rest of it." He stood up and started pacing again. He'd paced around this room a lot lately. "I thought that if blowing off one dinner was all it took to get you to call off our engagement and dump me that obviously you didn't love me and what was the point of coming after you. You didn't love me like I loved you."

"It wasn't like that at all. Adam I did love you, more than anything." Looking up at him he turned his head away. "I still do." She whispered and by his lack of reaction she doubted that he heard her but he did and it was like a knife to his heart.

"I wanted to talk to you so many times but every time I came near you, you pushed me away. That day, in the squad room I was happy that you were working with us and I thought if I had a moment I could talk to you and I was so nervous. I didn't know how or where to start. You didn't give me a second of your time though and when I congratulated you on the bust you looked annoyed that I had actually spoken to you and you called me Ruzek and I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach again. You were like ice." The sadness in his voice made her heart break. "Well to me anyway."

"I was trying to protect myself."

"From me?"

"From having my heart broken again."

"You broke your own heart. I would have done anything for you." Slowly the anger seeped back in "Anything. And then you only looked miserable when you saw me. Whenever I saw you with him..." he couldn't bring himself to say that bastard's name. "You were laughing and having a great time. You looked happy. What did you want me to feel? What did you want me to think?"

"How much you loved me and missed me?" Kim cried angrily.

"Missed you? Missed you?" He laid his hands on his chest. "I was devastated and everyday you stayed away I died a little more inside. You know Mouse tried to set me up with some random chick and you know what I did? I walked away because I couldn't cheat on you."

"Adam." He held up his hand to stop her talking.

"Can I tell you something?" Kim nodded. "When I found out you had been in that ambush all I could think about was you. Were you okay? My heart was literally in my throat the whole trip over. I wanted to find out the truth of what happened with that kid because I believed in you, you are a great cop and I was out of my mind worrying about how you would cope…." He paused and sucked in a deep breath as he choked on his words. "Without me to hold you. Then in the courtroom, I felt like I'd been kicked in the balls, I actually didn't think anything could be worse than what I had already been through but I was wrong. Dying would have hurt less than that."

"I'm so sorry. I could see the pain on your face and knew that I caused it and I hated myself for that. I still do."

He continued without acknowledging that she had even spoken. "But you'd moved on, made your choice and I had to get over it. I respected you and your decisions and decided it was time to just move on. You obviously never loved me the way that I'd loved you. You made me look like a fool, so I decided to be the bigger person and get out of your way. I wasn't going to be that pathetic man anymore who was pining over someone who didn't love them. I had to let go of whatever sliver of hope I still had because you had made your decision and chosen someone else. When I came talked to you in the locker room and told you that I still cared about you and that I had your back, I don't know, I felt like I saw the faintest glimmer of something in your eyes. I thought perhaps you still did care but that turned out to be some cruel joke. So I decided that you could do whatever you liked because your life and mine were no longer linked."

"Adam, I know how it must of seemed to you, but what it looked like on the outside and the reality of what I was feeling were miles apart."

"My perception was my reality because you gave me nothing else. We were done." He sat back down in defeat. The last of his resolve shattered. "I've accepted it." He spoke with such finality that Kim felt like she had been hit with a tonne of bricks.

"I made mistake after mistake. I feel like this is karma."

Adam snapped his head up suddenly. "Don't say that. What he did to you wasn't karma; it wasn't payback. It was all him and his sick and twisted mind."

"I convinced myself that he loved me and that I could love him." Kim stared him directly in the eye and didn't flinch even when she saw a mask of anger and hurt descend over his face. "But what I was trying to do was find something that filled a hole in my heart that was never going to be filled. It was nothing like what I had with you; from the start we had something, it felt so right. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, it always felt wrong but I couldn't stop myself. He told me that he loved me…probably and wanted me to give up everything I had here and move away with him. I was supposed to give up my whole life on a declaration of I love you, probably."

"You know I talked to Roman, ages ago when you started asking me to not worry about setting a date, after I was jammed up and had my badge pulled. I talked to him and asked him if you had said anything to him about postponing the wedding and he said you never mentioned it. Now I know he was lying and playing games with us. He put those doubts in your head and you chose to listen to him rather than talk to me."

"I don't know why. I don't know why he hated you and I together. I don't know what he had against you."

"When did it start?"

"What?"

"All of it. The relationship, the abuse?"

"Adam."

"Tell me."

"He came to the theatre with me one night. I had two tickets, I had bought them months before when we were together. We were talking one day and I told him about them and he turned up. I had a nice night and.." she twisted her hands in her lap. "I thought it was a sweet thing to do. Then that whole laptop thing and you were angry and basically told him to go ahead and date me. I was furious with you and I kissed him. It was a few weeks after that. That baby in the duffel bag case was so tough and it just kinda happened." She hated talking about it and she could tell by the pain on his face he didn't want to hear it either but they needed too. At the very least they needed to clear this air between them. What it meant after that she had no idea.

"When you were with me, did you think about being with him?"

"No, not once. Adam I would never have cheated on you. Never."

Adam was drawing circles on his thigh. He couldn't look at her. He almost hated her right now, almost. Hate was such a strong emotion, as was love and it was a fine line he was walking.

Kim continued. "Then when he was shot I felt obligated to support him."

"I didn't feel obligated to support you when you were shot. I supported you without a moment's hesitation because I knew that I loved you."

Kim heard him, heard his broken heart speaking. "He kept reminding me that he was shot, that he took a bullet for me, that he stayed in Chicago doing a job that he hated because of me. It was subtle but I guess it was all part of his emotional abuse. The physical stuff happened later. The emotional stuff came first. He locked me in my room one day." Kim was shocked by the flash of pain she saw on Adam's face but it was gone in an instant. "He would check my phone daily, take it off me when I got home. He had find my phone on his so he could see where I was. He knew when I was at the gym, at work everything. I suppose initially I thought it was sweet that he wanted to know what I was doing and that he was interested in me."

Kim got up from the couch and went into the kitchen for a glass of water. She leant on the bench to steady herself. Her chest ached from the burn and the heaviness in her heart. She looked at Adam. His eyes were closed but he still looked tortured and she hated seeing him like that and she hated that it was all her fault that he was so broken. What she would give to wrap her arms around him and hold him close, but if he pushed her away that would be hard to come back from.

Wrapping her arms around her waist she walked slowly around the small lounge room. She started speaking again, breaking the silence and Adam opened his eyes and watched her. "One day I got home and he was angry about something at work I think. Anyway I decided to go home and let him cool down. He thought I was going out to meet someone, I am guessing probably you. Suddenly he grabbed my arm and slammed the door on my hand. I was so stunned I just let him apologise and comfort me. I wanted to get it checked out because I couldn't move my fingers and he agreed to take me to the hospital a few days later as long as I told them it happened at work. I don't know why I went along with it."

Adam clenched his fists tightly. He couldn't understand how people could physically abuse someone they claimed to love. Hell, he couldn't understand how anyone could hurt a woman and he certainly couldn't understand how she let him get away with it. It made no sense to him; she was stronger than that. She knew what women went through everyday and they often picked up the pieces but she was willing to let herself become one of those women. He struggled to understand why.

"The burn, I got home late from the gym and he just threw a cup of coffee at me, I don't know why. I was in my gym clothes so I copped the whole lot. This time he wouldn't let me see anyone about it. It got infected, I think I didn't treat it in the hope that something would happen and someone would notice. I needed someone else to save me because I couldn't save myself. Then I collapsed at work. That morning when I told him I wasn't well he told me to stop whining and get on with it. I feel so pathetic and stupid. When Halstead came in I was relieved, finally I knew I was going to be okay."

"I know you felt like you couldn't come to me, but I wish you had. I would have helped you or at the very least anyone in Intelligence would have helped you. Platt or Erin would have helped you."

"I know but I couldn't. I couldn't see a way out."

When he finally he spoke again it was barely above a whisper and she almost didn't hear him. "Did he force himself onto you?"

Kim wanted to deny it; she wanted this whole conversation to stop. She covered her face with her hands. Adam watched her from his seat. He saw the anguish on her face and all her vulnerability. He was surprised at how beautiful she was at that moment. It was when he loved her the most when she was at her lowest – when she had been shot, trapped in the warehouse, when Nadia had been murdered – her strength shone through and he loved that about her.

She sank to the floor as she started sobbing. Adam leapt from his seat and in an instant was beside her on the floor and had her in his arms. It felt so familiar, holding her as she cried. He had wanted this for so long, to have her in his arms again. Not like this though. "Oh Kim, I'm so sorry." Adam knew by the look on her face and he felt the fight drain out of her.

"Adam. Everything is so fucked up. Everything. I've ruined everything. I was so happy."


	6. Chapter 6-That's because it was rubbish

Adam didn't even realise that he was rocking her slowly. He didn't know when he had buried his head in her hair but he knew that he was inhaling her, breathing her all in. All he could feel was her in his arms, her body wracking with sobs. Deep, guttural, heartbreaking sobs.

It wasn't until he heard the key in the lock that he realised they had been like this for more than an hour. Adam glanced up quickly and Maggie saw the tears spilling down his cheeks. Maggie took one look at the pair of them sitting on the floor and backed away and closed the door, leaving them to it. Heaven knows it was long overdue.

The room was starting to darken with the approaching evening. "Kim." Adam whispered in her ear. "We need to get off the floor. I think I've gone numb." She moved stiffly and slowly. The sobbing had stopped a little while ago at least but the effects of her breakdown were written all over her face.

He helped her up from the floor and Kim smiled at him sadly as he wiped his tear stained face before excusing herself to use the bathroom. Looking in the mirror she barely recognised the woman staring back at her. Not just because she'd spent the last, god knows how long, ugly crying in Adam's arms. She didn't recognise the woman she had become and she didn't like her either. One who was cruel and weak. She had been cruel to the man who loved her and weak for letting someone take advantage of her. She reached out one hand and rested it on the mirror as if she was trying to touch that woman and tell her it was going to be okay.

Adam fumbled around in the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He leant against the bench while the coffee brewed and watched it do its thing. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Finally he had been starting to get his feet under him again yet now he was right back at the start, the rug had been pulled out from under him and his world was thrown into disarray. Allowing himself to be emotionally dragged back into her orbit was hard, but in reality he knew he'd never really left.

"You okay?" he called out from the kitchen as Kim made her way back into the room and curled herself up into the corner of the couch.

"Yep. I think I feel a little better than I look."

"You look fine." He wrinkled his nose a little and Kim chuckled. It was nice to hear her laugh even if it was a little forced. He bought her a cup of coffee and Kim felt something had definitely shifted when he sat next to her on the couch. That distance that had been between them earlier had eroded. "So I organised someone to come and change all your locks tomorrow."

"That's sweet of you."

"Is that okay?" He suddenly worried that he had overstepped the mark. She wasn't his to worry about anymore. He shouldn't be making decisions for her but he desperately wanted her to feel safe again. He had done it without thinking, it seemed like the natural thing to do.

"It is, thank you. My sister is coming tomorrow and taking me away for the weekend. She thinks it'll do me good."

"I think it will too."

Adam reached out and tucked at few stray hairs behind her ear before resting his hand on the back of the couch behind her. "You know it's all going to be okay don't you?"

"What is?"

"This mess, you'll come out of this stronger. It doesn't have to define you going forward."

"We'll see. I am going to try not to let it break me." Kim bit her bottom lip nervously. "I hope you'll be around too."

"You've got so many people who want to help you through this." Adam's eyes glazed over a little and Kim found it unsettling. He didn't seem to understand what she was trying to say, or perhaps he did and chose to ignore it.

"I know." She closed her eyes as a wave of exhaustion hit her. Not even the coffee could keep her eyes open. Adam grabbed a cushion and laid it in his lap before gently helping to lower her head down. He pulled the rug off the back of the couch and covered her. Resting a hand on her hip and watched her drift off.

He was sitting in the dark when Maggie returned. "Sorry about earlier." She whispered. Kim hadn't stirred but that was no surprise, she always slept like she was dead.

"That's okay. She needed to good cry."

"So did you."

"I've never liked seeing her cry. It always got to me."

"These last few days have been pretty rough on you too."

Adam looked down at the woman sleeping in his lap. "Yeah."

"Look I know you aren't together anymore but it is obvious that you still care about her."

"Care about her?" Adam laughed lightly. "I still love her."

"I know." Maggie squeezed his hand. "We all know."

Adam tried to slip Kim off his lap onto the couch without waking her. She stirred a little as he tucked the rug tighter around her shoulders. Maggie watched him and shook her head, almost in disbelief. How had they drifted so far apart? He was so tender and caring and incredibly sad. God it was plain as the nose on his face how much he loved her. She knew so many women who would kill for a man like him. She wondered what he'd done to make Kim run from him.

Maggie gave him a hug when he stood up. "You are doing good."

"Thanks for everything Maggie. I know Kim really appreciates it." They stepped away from the couch towards to kitchen. She poured him a whiskey and one for herself.

"Apparently her sister is coming tomorrow. That's a good thing right?" Maggie wanted to check. Kim had told her that she would be leaving tomorrow and mentioned her sister but it was hard to figure out whether she was happy about it.

"It is. Her sister isn't around much. She's got a kid that keeps her busy and her job but they do get on really well. They are pretty close. I am surprised that she didn't know what was going on."

"Kim said she was pretty much was cut off from everyone."

A cloud descended over Adam's face. The more he knew about what he did to Kim the more he wanted to make him pay. Kim hadn't actually told him that he had forced her into sex but she didn't have too. So far they hadn't let him read her statement so he had no idea if Kim had admitted anything to Erin or not. "He certainly had her living in fear."

"Don't they always. I have seen far too many of these women come through my doors and a lot of them in far worse shape than Kim. Strong women who are rendered useless and powerless by people like Sean Roman."

"I really don't want to talk about it right now. I don't want to think about him for awhile." He was done for the day; he was done talking and thinking about him. He had already taken so much from him; he wasn't going to give him another second of this day.

Adam grabbed his phone and keys and crouched down beside the couch. "Kim." He squeezed her hand lightly. Her eyes flew open and were wild with fear until she realised it was Adam and grabbed onto his hand. "Hey. I'm going to take off."

"You're going?"

"I am. I hope you have a good weekend with your sister. Try not to worry about what's going on back here."

"I don't want you to go."

Adam turned his head away. If he saw the pleading in her eyes he wouldn't be able to leave. "I have to go." He lightly brushed her cheek. "I'll talk to you in the morning okay?" Kissing her lightly on the forehead he stood up quickly and left.

Kim squeezed her eyes closed tightly. She honestly thought she didn't have any more tears left inside her but she obviously did, they trickled down her cheeks. Maggie rested a hand on her shoulder. "He hasn't turned his back on you yet." She offered and Kim nodded through her tears. She was right, he had been with her all afternoon and despite hearing some heart breaking truths he hadn't walked away. The afternoon had turned into evening and then night and he was still here. He had barely been back in her life for two days, two harrowing days and now that he was gone she missed him more than ever.

Erin came over and took her back to her place in the morning. She had hugged Maggie fiercely before she left and thanked her over and over for all her help. They had switched her onto an oral Anti-biotic and given her some extra dressings for her burn, but it had started healing quite quickly and Will had come and checked on her and was happy with it's progress.

She was grateful when Erin grabbed her hand as she unlocked the door to her place. Stepping inside for the first time was hard. She could feel his presence everywhere. The memories came flooding back; it was here that he threw the coffee at her. Kim placed a hand over her mouth to stop a sob escaping. "What is it?" Erin asked.

"I was just over there. He threw the cup at me and I remember the pain. He made me clean it up before I could even take my shirt off." Suddenly her voice sounded steely as she straightened her back. "He told me to stop crying like a baby. Later that night he was all sweet and sorry." Kim chuckled unexpectedly. "I didn't treat it properly because I think I was hoping that someone would notice and that's what happened I guess. He didn't care what I did in that regard. As long as I kept my mouth shut. And I did but it didn't work out for him anyway."

"You are a smart woman."

"I wouldn't say that. A smart woman wouldn't have got themselves into that position in the first place."

"You loved him."

"No, actually Erin I didn't. I thought that it might grow into something, given time but I didn't love him. I liked him, I enjoyed his company…." Erin was surprised at the change that had come over Kim in the last few days. Last time they spoke she still seemed so desperately hurt and confused but now she was clearly starting to see things for what they really were. "….well before he started abusing me that is. We always got on well on Patrol. I mean we started off on the wrong foot and looking back now that was a red flag. He didn't like me because he had fallen in love with his ex- partner and didn't want another female partner. When I got shot he had spent he whole day arguing with his ex and it was nasty and bitter. Red flag number 2."

Erin let her got. Perhaps by working through this and unburdening herself she would realise that this was in no way her fault and she could move on with her life.

"When Adam and I got engaged he started in my ear about marrying a cop, what if it was Adam that was kidnapped instead of Jay. I thought he was looking out for me. Then there was this whole crap about Adam's previous engagements; us living together and he just picked away at me, put doubts in my head. He basically convinced me that Adam didn't want to marry me and instead of talking to Adam I kept turning to Roman for support and he lapped it up. I didn't even realise that he was manipulating me."

"You know it didn't make sense when you broke up."

"That's because it was rubbish, all of it. I was Roman's puppet. He hated Adam for some reason. Well to be fair he didn't like Intelligence much at all but Adam was his prime focus." She shrugged. "Perhaps because he was with me and we were happy while he was so miserable. He kinda gloated when I broke up with Adam and started almost instantly to get me to start going out with other people. He enjoyed it when Adam went a little ape shit with jealousy and now I can see why Adam did it, I refused to even talk to him yet I seemed happy whenever he saw us together. Then when we got together he was relentless. When I tried to defend Adam, who hadn't done anything wrong he started to get jealous and that's when things started spiralling out of control."

"But everything is back under control now."

Kim snorted. "Everything but Adam."

"When is Ruzek ever under control?"

Kim nodded in agreement. Erin loved the smile on her face. She always lit up the room with her smile and that had been sadly lacking for months now. "He has been amazing. I don't deserve his support."

"Rubbish." Erin flicked her hand out and brushed Kim's shoulder and was mortified when she saw the look of horror on Kim 's face. "Oh god I am sorry."

"It's okay. It will just take some time to get used to people touching me again."

"I heard you let Ruzek touch you though?" Erin's eyes twinkled. She wasn't sure if Kim was ready for jokes and lightness but when she laughed along with her she knew that she was eventually going to be okay. With all their help she would come out of this stronger than ever.

"You've been talking to him?"

"He came over last night."

"I missed him when he left. We talked about a lot of things and I know it was incredibly painful for him but he was amazing."

"He said it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. And then he asked about what Roman did to you, if he forced himself onto you and said you hadn't said anything when he asked you but you cried for hours."

"I think he knows."

"He does and it's breaking his heart." Erin approached her a little more slowly this time and pulled her in for a hug. "He wants to help. I think you should let him."

Kim made them both a coffee and when they sat down she started talking. "I got home one day and Sean was sitting right here with a box of stuff from Adam. Notes he'd left for me, cards and ticket stubs from things we went to. He'd been through my cupboard and found it. He made me sit and watch him burn every single thing in that box."

She closed her eyes as that painful afternoon came flooding back. He was wild with jealousy. "Why have you kept these?" he waved a few of them in her face. He started reading out some of the notes. They were personal, even at the time Adam had written them they had made her blush and the longer Sean read through them the angrier he got. "You were a bit slutty with him." He taunted her. It was true that what she had with Adam was poles apart from what she experienced with Sean. There wasn't the fire and willingness to be adventurous and she never really felt comfortable enough to be herself and let herself go completely. As he burnt her memories he seemed to smile at her discomfort and took great delight in watching her as they turned to ash.

One note in particular got to her. Adam had written it when he went Felicia's memorial service. He apologised for shutting her out. "What a load of crap." He scoffed. "Of course he was fucking her."

"He wasn't. That's not what happened."

"How stupid are you? Do you honestly think someone like Ruzek is only fucking you?"

"You don't know Adam." Kim flinched as his eyes narrowed as he stared at her. "You certainly had a different opinion at the time." She continued weakly.

"I just wanted to shut you up. You were so fucking annoying when you were with him." Kim just sat and stared; she was mortified and certainly didn't like the side of Roman she was starting to see. She just didn't know what to do about it.

"Anyway." Kim bought her focus back to Erin and back to the present.

Erin shook her head in disbelief. "Oh God Kim, that sounds awful."

"It was, I was a little stunned to be honest. I could see why he wouldn't want me hanging onto that stuff but I think deep down I knew that I wasn't ready to completely let go of Adam. Perhaps he knew that too." She shrugged. "This was early on, certainly well before he started hurting me. Stupidly I knew he had a jealous streak, I learnt that from that day with his ex. The day I was shot. It should have been a warning but I was…." She didn't finish the sentence.

"Trying to forget about Adam." Erin finished it for her.

Kim packed her bag for the weekend. She assured Erin that she would be fine here by herself while she waited for her sister. The locksmith that Adam had organised came and changed all her locks and once she had the new set of keys in her hand she felt so much safer.

She smiled when her phone rang and Adam's name flashed on the screen. "Good Morning." He could hear the lightness in her voice and that made him feel a little more relaxed. Talking to Lindsay today and also Maggie last night had helped her get her head into a good space. For now at least.

"You sound good."

"I am. Just waiting for my sister, the locks are changed so thanks for that and I don't feel sick for the first time in days."

"I'm glad." Ruzek had stepped away from his desk. They all knew who he was calling but if he needed space they would give it to him. He was desperate to help but he also wanted to protect himself. He wasn't going to put his heart on the line for her to stomp all over it again. He was desperately trying to keep the wall he had built around his heart intact and if he needed space to do that, they gave it to him.

Voight had called him into his office as soon as he walked in that morning. "How's Burgess?"

"She's doing okay. Her sister is taking her away for a few days which will be good for her I think."

"And you?"

"I am not going to lie. The last few days have been pretty rough but I'm okay. I am keen to get back to work and focus on something else for a bit. What's happening with Roman?"

"He's been charged with a Class A misdemeanour and it will go to court soon. Kim will need to testify." Voight stared hard at Ruzek trying to gauge his state of mind. He needed to be sure that every single person in this unit could trust him to do his job should the need arise. If he had any doubts his mind wasn't on the job 100% he would desk him.

"Class A Misdemeanour? Really? What the hell? Why isn't it a felony?"

"We all know that it would never stick. It's his first offence. The best way to get a guilty verdict is a Misdemeanour."

"Surely him being a cop weighs into it. He was meant to protect and serve, not abuse his…." He couldn't say girlfriend, the word caught in his throat, he hated the very thought of calling Kim his girlfriend. It was wrong. "…Kim. That alone means something doesn't it? It should be a Felony. He knew better."

"You'd like to think so, but wouldn't you rather know something was going to stick rather than him skating because of a technicality. Either way it's jail and that's not going to be pretty for him."

Adam nodded eventually, he didn't agree and he knew that Voight didn't either but he was right. A felony had more chance of being tossed out. As long as he didn't get away scot-free it was the best course. He hated it though.

Voight asked him again if he needed time off. "Boss I promise you, I am fully focussed. I promised myself that I am not going to waste one more second worrying about that son of a bitch." Voight took him at his word and agreed to let him go back to work.

"If you need time though, you take it. If you need to help Burgess at anytime you let me know and take that time." Voight stood up and shook his hand. "Okay?"


	7. Chapter 7 - I still think you cheated

Kim held her phone nervously in her hand. Amanda had gone to bed and left her alone for the first time all day. She scrolled through her contacts and stopped on a familiar name and it made her smile a little. For such a long time he had been number one on her speed dial, but that had certainly changed. Actually she was surprised that it hadn't been deleted altogether but then again he was tracking all her calls anyway and any number that he didn't recognise he would call. So he would certainly want to know if Adam called her. He never did.

She shook her head trying to dislodge those memories and replace them with better thoughts.

To date, since this all blew up Adam had done all the calling. Her finger hovered over the number. Along with her sister they had polished off a bottle of wine and she felt a little buzzed, probably not the best idea to be drinking while on anti-biotics but she threw caution to the wind. Now was not the time to call him. Drunk dialling was a bad idea. She couldn't trust herself not to tell him that she loved him or worse, she might just start begging and that would be pathetic.

The weekend with her sister and her family had done her the world of good. She felt freer and lighter. Her sister always had the ability to refocus her, talk her down if needed and give her clarity in the bluntest way possible. Obviously she couldn't forget the past few months but she could choose not to dwell on it.

Amanda, god love her had told her exactly what she thought about Sean Roman. "What were you thinking? For a start he has no chin…." Kim laughed despite herself. "..I mean comparing him to Adam, who let's face it was about as close to a god as you are going to get."

"Oh okay. Down girl." Kim nudged her lightly. "You are a married woman."

"Doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good thing when I see it. And Adam has a lot of good going on, if you know what I mean." Amanda had always been more than happy to be the shallow one when it came to men. "Tell me something because I am having a hard time understanding some things." Kim stupidly thought that Amanda was about to ask a serious question. "Does Sean have a dick that women can swing from, because it seems like he goes through a lot of partners? It certainly isn't what's visible on the outside that must have attracted you because…"

Kim almost jumped on her sister and tried to cover her mouth. "Stop it."

"Well? I'm serious? If you stood them side by side, out of a hundred women I can guarantee you that 99 would pick Adam."

"What about the other one?"

"Oh there is always one who goes for the sad ugly puppy in the corner." The wine was certainly helping Amanda along. "You know the 'I take him because he's so ugly he's cute' type."

"Maybe I am that woman."

"Nope. You were in front of the queue and you and for some unknown reason walked away and now you've both got nothing. And I know you, dear sister you always went for the cute bouncy puppy, not the runt of the litter."

"You do know Adam was engaged twice before me?"

"And Roman had slept with three of his previous partners on the job and you make number four." She held up four fingers to emphasis her point. "So, by my count Adam is still ahead. What's going on there anyway?"

"Where? With Adam?" Kim chose to ignore Amanda's math lesson. "Nothing. He's just been there for me, no questions asked. We had an incredibly honest conversation yesterday and I know he is hurting. I just didn't realise how much I hurt him initially and how hard I made things for him. I only ever saw things from my point of view with help from Roman of course."

"Well we now know that the only person that dickhead cared about was himself. Are you ever going to try and work it out?"

"Who knows?" Kim shrugged. "I have no idea what Adam even wants. We haven't had that discussion. Perhaps the damage has been done and the wounds are too deep."

Initially Amanda had been angry with Adam but then she only heard one side of the story. As the Roman thing started to take off she felt that perhaps there was more going on than she first thought and her instincts had been spot on. Kim never answered her calls when she rang, always calling back later. Turns out that she only called when Sean gave her back her phone. Every time she asked her to come up and see them she made some excuse to cancel and the one time she had met them both in Chicago Sean just seemed overly affectionate and, if truth be told a little possessive.

She got a vibe from him and she wished she'd been more upfront with her concerns, but at the end of the day Kim told her she was happy and moving on and Amanda accepted her word. Now Amanda also felt a little guilt for the situation her sister was now in.

When Kim told her about Adam and his support over the last few days and she could see that he really was the man she always thought he was. Sure she was still pissed at him because had he fronted up and demanded to know what was going on this whole mess could have been avoided.

Sunday was spent not talking about Roman and what she had to face when she went home. It was delaying the inevitable, it wasn't going away but it was just what she needed. She needed to be normal for a day.

Adam had refrained from contacting her as well. What she needed was time to herself with her family. And he also needed a little distance to sort himself out. His issue stemmed from the fact that he craved her; he wanted her completely and desperately, he always had. _'Get your shit together.'_ He checked himself.

Kim looked around her apartment when she got home. It no longer held any attraction for her. She loved this place when she first moved in. It was her first non- share house. Now it was just a place with her stuff in it and sadly all the good memories had been washed away by the bad.

Without giving it too much thought she grabbed her phone and called Adam. It felt familiar calling him again, like slipping into your favourite sweats at the end of a long day. She had never thought twice about calling him in the past. Whatever time of the day or night it didn't matter they would call whenever they had the chance, just to check in but it never felt like it was an obligation or a requirement. "Hi."

"Hey, You're back. Good weekend?" He sounded happy to hear from her, which relaxed her instantly.

"It was. I feel much better. Amanda certainly didn't give me much time to wallow." Kim tucked her feet up under her on the couch. "And Zoe has grown up so much. I realised how much I missed them and I should make an effort to spend more time with them."

"That's a good thing right?"

"It was."

"And being back at your place?"

"I don't know. It feels strange." She looked around her place, it was all her. The pictures, the knick knacks and the copious amount of cushions and candles. "It's like it's not my place anymore. I am not sure I will stay here long."

"Are you going to be okay tonight?" Adam wasn't sure what he'd do if she said no. He couldn't have her here, not yet but he knew that he'd be there in an instant if she needed him so he had to hope that she wouldn't ask.

"I will. It's not fear. Just bad memories."

"We had some good times there."

"We certainly did." Kim giggled. He liked that she sounded happy. "That weekend we were snowed in and played twister."

"I still think you cheated."

"Of course I cheated. You are bigger and stronger than me, how else could I get you to fall." Adam had beaten her three times in a row so she had ripped off her top and proceeded to play half naked. He couldn't help himself and conceded defeat and then spent the afternoon and the days afterwards crying foul.

It was nice, sharing some happy memories but eventually they came back to the situation they were now in. "I have to go to the Ivory Tower tomorrow. " Kim admitted.

"I heard. You'll be fine." Adam had already asked Voight for the time to go with her. "What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"You don't need to come."

"I want to. You shouldn't go alone."

"Adam…."

"Kim, look I will pick you up and take you to your interview and I will wait for you to finish. Some things you shouldn't have to face alone, a crusty desk sergeant with a secret heart of gold once told me that."

"Thank you."

He arrived early with breakfast. "You look tired." He handed her a coffee and breakfast roll. Kim picked at it, hardly eating anything. She had certainly lost her appetite today.

"I didn't sleep well. I kept thinking about today."

"You don't have anything to prove. Just tell them what happened."

"I know but I am destroying his career."

"No you are not. He did that. It was all him. Don't do this." Adam was suddenly angry and Kim could see him tense up. His shoulders tightened and a dark cloud flitted across his face.

"I know." She knew he was right; this wasn't her fault. "It's just harder than I thought."

He squeezed her hand. "It was never going to be easy. At least you won't have to see him just yet."

"See him?"

"When it goes to court. You have to testify."

"Oh." All the colour drained from Kim's face. She hadn't thought that far ahead. Of course she would have to testify. Could she do it? She had too. If not for herself, for every other woman who was a victim of abuse. If she couldn't do what was right how could she look the next abuse victim she came across at work in the eye and expect her to do the same. "Will you be there?"

"If you want me to be."


	8. Chapter 8 - Sure, Walk Away

Adam rested his hand lightly on her back as they made their way from the car park. She'd gone quiet the closer they got to the building and by the time they were ushered upstairs to a waiting room her nerves were shot.

"Officer Burgess." Commander Crowley appeared from behind a glass door and called Kim through. She was surprised and relieved that there was only one other female officer sitting at a small round table, she was expecting to front a panel of Cops.

"First of all, How are you?" she took her seat opposite Kim. The room felt airless and small despite the soaring windows letting in the sun of a Chicago morning.

"I'm good, Thank you." Kim twisted her hands nervously in her lap.

"Keen to get this all over and done with no doubt?" Commander Crowley was not someone you could honestly call empathetic. Kim recalled standing there while she told them that she ran a tyranny when she stupidly hoped that she would be able to continue being partners with Roman after he was shot. In the end it didn't matter because he wasn't cleared for duty but she made her intentions very clear. So sitting in front of her now wasn't exactly pleasant.

Adam paced up and down the hallway until he finally settled on playing some mind numbing time wasting game on his phone. He had texted Al and he was missing nothing at work. He was hoping that something jumped off soon so that he could take his mind off all this and give him something else to focus on.

"You were in a relationship with Officer Ruzek?" Kim was stunned by the question. She had no idea what this had to do with Adam.

"We were engaged."

"And you ended it to start a relationship with your partner?"

"No. We had been separated for a while. For a few months." She battled to keep her voice calm. She wasn't expecting to talk about Adam and their break up. "Sorry what does this have to do with what Roman did to me?"

"We are just establishing a timeline and some background."

The questioning was relentless and took close to two hours. She had to relive every detail of what Roman had done and her reactions. It was harrowing and while she had felt strong the past few days that confidence had been eroded somewhat by the interview. Commander Crowley finally stood up and came and put an arm around her shoulder. "I'm sorry for all the questions but you know it's going to be like this in court. Roman's lawyer is going to try and paint you in a bad light, to try and show that you were emotionally unstable in regards your relationship with Officer Ruzek."

"Is that what Roman is saying? Adam had nothing to do with this; he didn't do anything." Kim cried angrily. "He left us alone. He did nothing?" Kim felt a bubble of rage rise up within her. She hated Roman right now but more than that she hated herself because Adam was about to be thrown back into the middle of it all and he had no idea. He was going to run, she knew it and the thought terrified her.

"You know how it goes. His lawyer will do anything to get him off. We are not going to let that happen." Commander Crowley assured her. "So now, you are on leave for the rest on the week. Are you happy to go back to the 21st. Sergeant Platt is certainly keen to keep you but we will understand if you find it too difficult to go back and will accommodate you."

"I am, and I can go back this week. I want to go back to work. I just want everything to get back to normal."

"Next week." Crowley responded flatly. "Now we want to talk to Officer Ruzek. That is him outside isn't it?"

"Why?"

"Officer Roman went after him, he was used as bait to draw him out. Whether you like it or not he's played some part in all this. I want to talk to him."

Adam jumped up from his chair when the doors opened. "Officer Ruzek." Crowley beckoned him "A few words please." His eyes darted to Kim's face and she just looked stunned.

"I understand you have been very supportive of Officer Burgess recently."

"Yes Mam." He hadn't even thought that he would need to be interviewed.

"Thank you for that. I am sure everyone appreciates it." She opened the folder in front of her. "Did you have any contact with Officer Burgess since the end of your relationship?"

Wow, that question hit him right between the eyes. "Professionally yes, socially no."

"So you didn't threaten or intimidate her at any time?"

"No." he answered flatly.

"You didn't turn up at her place demanding to talk? Call her?"

"No." he repeated.

"You didn't threaten to harm Officer Roman?"

"No." he was getting frustrated and angry. He could hear Al's voice in his head from when he was jammed up on that Undercover Op that went sideways. Always stay calm and keep your answers short. Give them only what they need to hear. "I'm sorry, has he accused me of something?"

"We just want to make sure your version of events matches the reports." He was then asked to describe the night Roman was arrested. Where he was in the hours before hand, what happened when Roman turned up at his place? "I was with Officer Burgess. She was under Police Protection."

"You left her to participate in Roman's arrest?"

"At the request of my Sergeant. Yes I did."

"You went to see him the following day. We have record of you checking in to the Holding Cell."

"I did."

"And?"

"And what? I wanted to see him and ask him why he did it, that was it. Ask anyone who was there. Do you think I was stupid enough not to make sure I had a witness." Adam had insisted that the Guard stood close by, close enough to hear what was going on but out of Roman's sight.

"We will be talking to him also."

"What was that all about?" Kim flew at him when Adam came out. She had been almost running up and down the hall while she waited. If she had known he was going to be questioned she would have never let him come with her today.

"They just wanted to check a few things."

"Adam I'm sorry you've been dragged into all this."

"Don't worry about it." He brushed her off gruffly. He was a little pissed and annoyed that Roman was obviously throwing mud hoping some of it would stick. He had no idea how much of it Kim was aware of. "How'd you go?" Again he rested a hand on her back as he steered her towards his truck, at least that was a little be comforting.

"They certainly wanted to know every little detail." Kim was still wringing her hands as he put the truck into drive and pulled out into the traffic. "I can't go back to work this week. The burn needs to heal and needs to be cleared by the Doctors. I also need to see a counsellor."

She could see that he was annoyed by something and in no mood to talk. "Can we go to the District?"

"Sure, why?"

"I want to thank everyone for their help and support. I need to walk through those doors again. The longer I put it off the harder it will be."

"It's the same place."

"I know. Good thing about work is that I have some good memories of that place. Nothing bad happened there."

"Well you did meet Roman there." He added somewhat bitterly without taking his eyes off the road.

"Yeah, but good things also happened?"

"Such as?" His voice was flat.

"I met you there."

"Among other things." He hoped that one day the good memories would outweigh the bad. It was also the place she broke his heart. Then again the courtroom was way worse, that's were his broken heart was shattered into a million pieces. "Wasn't all beer and skittles."

"Please let me remember the good times. That's all I have."

"Sorry." He muttered.

"Well well look who's here." Platt looked happy to see them. Burgess stayed downstairs while Adam disappeared upstairs and back to work without a word.

"How'd it go?" Al saw him first.

"Fine." He slung his jacket over the back of his chair and grabbed his coffee mug and Erin followed him into the break room.

"How's Kim?"

"She's good. She's downstairs talking to Platt. I am sure she'll be up soon. She wants to see everyone."

"And you?"

"I'm fine, I wish people would stop asking." The morning had unsettled him. He hadn't expected to be questioned and he hated that Roman seemed to be suggesting that he hurt or scared Kim in anyway. That had made his blood boil. Also getting closer and closer to Kim was driving him insane. He knew what he wanted, but had no idea whether Kim did and it certainly wasn't the time or place to even contemplate it.

"And you and Burgess?" Ruzek snapped his head up and Erin saw his eyes harden.

"She needs a friend. That's all I am doing. I would never take advantage of her or the situation." He spat out.

Erin rested a hand on his arm. "Hey Adam, that's not what I meant. I know you are helping her. It's great what you are doing, but you and I both know that you still love her."

"Erin, please drop it." He stormed from the room and sat back at his desk, opened his emails and tried to focus on work. He heard the gate open and footsteps on the stairs and he knew it would be Kim on her way up.

"Hey." Antonio jumped up from his desk and held out his arms for a hug. He dropped them quickly when he noticed the hesitant look on her face. "It's good to see you." The rest of the team followed and Kim looked uncomfortable with all the attention. Except Adam, he stayed at his desk and kept working.

"I just wanted to thank you all for everything, for all your help." Her voice wobbled a little. She was acutely aware that Adam was still just sitting at his desk while everyone else was gathered around her and that made her even more emotional. She didn't really know what she'd done or what had happened between leaving the Ivory Tower and here. "I really appreciate it."

Kim didn't stay long. Voight came out of his office with a job for them and she made a hasty exit somewhat confused. Adam had been beside her all morning and suddenly he seemed to withdraw from her.

 _'You okay?'_ She stewed on it all afternoon because in reality she didn't have much else to do and finally sent him a message.

 _'Yep. We are pretty slammed at the moment.'_ His response did nothing to ease her mind. Everything was so confusing one minute he was beside her and physically close. There was the hand on her back or at her elbow helping her into the car. He turned up with breakfast, made sure she didn't go to her interview alone and now he was miles away. Up in Intelligence he barely looked at her. Tears stung at her eyes. She just needed stability in her life at the moment and this wasn't it.

Adam called her later that night. He had got his wish, something had jumped off and they were flat out with it. "I've only got a minute. We are pretty jammed up. You're okay right?"

"I am. Adam, did I do something to upset you?"

"No." Again his response didn't exactly relieve her fears. "Look, I've gotta go. We'll be lucky to get out of here before the morning." He didn't say what they were doing but it wasn't unusual for them to work all night. Nor did he say when she would see him again.

It wasn't Kim that had done anything. It was Erin. It was her comment about what was going on between the two of them and that he still loved her. He knew he still loved her and didn't need anyone pointing that out. However he hated the thought that people would think he was taking advantage of her because she was vulnerable. That would make him as bad as Roman. It irked him and before he could stop himself he was pulling away and he hated himself for it.

"What's eating you?" Al handed him a coffee. It was almost 2am and they were doing surviellance. It was long and boring. He'd never quite got the hang of all the waiting around. It wasn't his thing…the waiting game.

"Nothing."

"Let me guess?" Al scoffed. "Burgess?"

"I don't want people to think I am taking advantage of the situation or her."

"No-one thinks that, we all know you care about her."

He stared out the window at the house. It was as dark as his mood. "I still lover her Al. I can't stop myself."

"So what do you want to happen?"

"I want her to feel safe, I want Roman gone and from there who knows." He shrugged. "We may never get back what we had and I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to get hurt either."

"You'll never know if you don't try."

"And if it doesn't work? Everyone gets hurt."

"Everyone is hurting already. You'll always wonder what if." It was a change for Al. he had been the one to tell him to focus on his job rather than chase tail. He'd thrown his marriage away for a child that he accepted as his own without really knowing. He lived in a garage for years. Taking relationship advice from his partner could be the stupidest thing Adam ever did. "Have you even asked her what she wants? You might be freaking out over nothing. She might be completely over you."

Wow. Way to kick him in the balls. Everyone was taking aim at his balls lately and no one was missing. "Thanks Al." he muttered as he sunk lower in his seat and spent the next few hours sulking.

Kim hated that he was suddenly not around anymore. A few text messages and a couple of phone calls was all she got over the next few days. He kept telling her that nothing was wrong and they were just busy at work, which was probably true but it was more the tone of his voice that worried her. He seemed to be distancing himself from her, ever since that day at the Ivory Tower. What had actually happened that day? What changed?

It wasn't until the weekend that she actually saw him again. He turned up with breakfast on Saturday morning. "Sorry, it's been a busy week." He shrugged as he handed over a coffee. It wasn't exactly a satisfactory explanation but it was all he was giving her. "How've you been?"

"Not great."

"Why? What's wrong?" He stepped towards her, his heart suddenly beating wildly.

"You. I obviously did something to upset you."

"You didn't. I've been busy this week that's all."

"No, that's not all Adam and you know it. What did I do?" She took a step back. Being close to him was too much.

"Nothing. It was nothing you did. It's just.." he rubbed his hands over his face wearily. "..I don't want people to think that I am taking advantage of the situation."

"What situation?"

"You, you are vulnerable and I don't want people to think I am making a move on you."

"God, it is so far from the truth. You are the friend I need right now."

"That's all it can be." Adam hated it, he hated the look on her face and he hated the way it made him feel "You and I can only be friends."

Kim nodded sadly. "I know."

It wasn't the best resolution and it had been somewhat awkward for a few days but gradually they started to relax around each other again.

Right now she was standing outside the Counsellor's office checking her phone for the umpteenth time. She had already been waiting half an hour. The mandatory Counselling was painful and she wasn't sure it was helping. Today it made her angry and standing on the pavement being buffeted by the chill wind that was whipping up the street wasn't helping her mood.

Suddenly his truck slid into the curb and he leant over and opened the door. "Sorry I am late."

"It's freezing." Kim commented.

"How'd you go?"

Kim had her arms tightly wrapped around her waist trying to warm up and mumbled that it was fine. He stole a look at her while he drove and decided it was best not to push her.

"Did you still need to stop at the grocery store?"

"That would be good. Thank you." Kim's tone was short and he just assumed that the session had left her feeling a little battered as they often did. She would crawl into a hole for a few hours or a few days and lick her wounds before shaking it off and emerging from her shell.

Adam followed her around the Grocery store with her basket and she would drop things into it without looking at him or speaking. "You seem angry."

"I am."

"At me?"

"You know what? Yes, today I am angry at you." She snapped.

Adam breathed out slowly. "Okay. Are you going to tell me why?"

"Not right now." Kim snatched the basket from his hand and he rolled his shoulders and shoved his hands into his pockets and kept his distance as she marched around the store. He noted that she was choosing a high proportion of chocolate and cookies. A sure fire sign that she was pissed.

When they got back to his truck he apologised again for being late and Kim nodded tightly at him and went back to staring out the window. He carried her groceries inside and put them in the kitchen. "You going to talk to me now?" He watched her carefully as she ignored him and started scrolling through her phone.

"No."

"Typical." He snapped.

Kim slammed her phone down on the bench. "What the fuck does that mean?"

Throwing his hands in the air he snapped back at her. "Again you are pissed at me and I am supposed to just figure it out myself. Sound familiar?"

"Fine. Yes I am pissed at you. Today I am pissed at you because today I blame you. Okay?"

'You blame me. For what?" He knew getting angry with her wasn't a good idea and that he needed to stay calm but he didn't need this.

"For everything. Today I blame you for this. All this." She waved her arms around wildly. "I blame you for having to go to a Counsellor and relieve every single little thing that happened to me. I am angry at you because if you had fought for me, cared about our relationship at all I wouldn't be in this situation." Kim exploded.

"Wow." Adam knew something like this had to happen. As Kim worked through all her emotions at some point she would point the finger squarely at him as she tried to rationalise everything that had happened. Hell, he'd even blamed himself initially. Some days he still did.

Her eyes were wild. "Are you happy now?"

"No. I am not happy. You know what? I blame myself too!"

"It's all so fucked up."

"Do you want me to go?"

"Sure. Walk away, that's what you are good at." He took a step back like he'd been hit.

"That's not fair. You were pretty good at walking away too. Remember?"

They were both pretty sure that they had to go through these moments if they were going to have any hope of putting it behind him. How they came out of it was yet to be seen. Maybe at the end of it all even being friends would be impossible let alone anything else. "Fine you want to blame me, go ahead. If that makes you feel better." Kim spat at him.

Her bitterness was staggering and Adam tried not to let himself get carried away by it. "It doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel like shit. I know I let you down; it kills me knowing that I couldn't stop this happening to you. Every single time I see you I am reminded how I failed to protect you, but don't you dare blame me for what Roman did to you. You were safe with me but you didn't want me."

"I did. You didn't want me. You let me go. You told me to date him if I wanted to. It didn't seem like you really cared one way or the other."

"That's what you took out of that day? You didn't see how much I was hurting? You never saw me. You never saw how much pain I was in. Or perhaps you did and just didn't give a fuck. If you didn't already want him nothing I said or did would have made any difference. You were always stronger than that, you were strong and determined and knew what you wanted. When did I ever tell you what to do? You always did what you wanted."

He was on a roll and something had been eating at him lately so he decided now was the time to lay it on the table. "Since the day I met you all you wanted was to be in Intelligence. Hell we even snuck around for months so as not to ruin your chances and then he came along and suddenly everything you dreamed of and worked for went out the window. He convinced you that we were a bunch of righteous pricks and he wanted to keep you on Patrol and under his control. Right from the start."

"You didn't want me in Intelligence."

"What?" He was genuinely shocked by that comment. "I always supported you, I was always happy when you came up to work with us. I would have supported you no matter what. Don't throw that at me. When did I ever not support you at work?"

"There is no sin in being on Patrol. Ask your father about that?"

"I never said there was, it's just not what you wanted until he showed up and started manipulating you. It must have been all part of his plan; he was into you from the start. Admit it."

"Give me some credit, I made up my own mind."

"Like when you decided that I didn't want to marry you?" By the look on her face he knew that he had hit her below the belt with that comment.

"Thanks Adam, thank you very fucking much for pointing that out again."

"Look, sorry. I am just tyring to be honest with you. That is what you wanted isn't it? For me to talk to you, so here we are talking. Or do you only want to talk about me and how I fucked up?"

"I never said it was all your fault."

"Yet at the time you did. It was all me and what I didn't do, I didn't marry you instantly, I didn't fight for you, I didn't pass your push test, I didn't come crawling back begging you to take me back while you were fucking him."

You didn't care."

It was her turn to hurt him and those words hurt more than anything. "That's bullshit and you know it. Don't you ever tell me that I didn't care." His voice shook so much it shocked both of them.

"All I wanted was someone who wanted to be with me."

"I asked you to marry me. What more could I do?"

"Actually marry me." Kim spat back at him.

Adam pressed his hands over his eyes and gritted his teeth. _Get it together, he told himself._ "Look I am sorry I was late, I am sorry you had to relive everything. I'm sorry for everything that happened to you. I was late because I drove across town to get you something. I thought you'd like it." He put a small bag on the bench. "I don't know what else you want me to do. I am trying."

Their argument was like a sparkler, it flashed quickly and brightly and fizzled out to nothing just as quickly. "I know." Kim's voice softened. "Today was really hard. They asked a lot about you today. I don't blame you, for any of this. You know that right?"

"Some days I am not so sure. Some days I blame myself."

Kim reached out for his hand as he reached for his car keys and phone. "Please don't. It's not your fault. None of this is. All of this is on Roman."

"It's okay Kim." He squeezed her hand. "I'll see you later."

The place felt empty suddenly. Just a few moments ago it was filled with life and fire and now the silence was deafening. Finding herself in the kitchen she picked up the bag he left and opened it to find a packet of Tim Tams, probably the best Chocolate Biscuits on the planet. He had driven across town to get them for her, she knew how hard they were to get. It meant so much, the little things he did.

He wasn't big on the over the top romance, it had always been the little things, the small and thoughtful and unexpected things he did. Like the notes he would leave in her bag, or dropping lunch off when she was working on the weekends or recording her favourite show. The cup of coffee he always left beside her bed when he left for work when she was still asleep or booking her in for a massage after a busy week at work. And of course, driving across town to hunt down her favourite treat.

Why then had she just expected that he was going to come in and sweep her off her feet with some grand gesture to win her back?

Why did she expect him to be someone he wasn't?


	9. Chapter 9 - There is no more

Kim faltered a little when she opened the door. Seeing Adam in a suit made her heart race and it also bought up memories that she wanted to forget. The last time he was in a suit he was supporting her in court on the unlawful killing charge. His hand had been on her arm as they moved through the angry crowd; she'd felt it and felt comforted by it and then she had destroyed him that day.

The fact that he showed up again today to support her for Roman's trial spoke volumes of the man he was. She knew he was struggling, he'd told her as much but he never had any doubt that he would be there. That wasn't an option.

Where they were at the moment was relatively comfortable. Adam had effectively told her that he wasn't interested in being anything but friends at this stage and Kim had accepted that. For the last few weeks they had focussed on that and it was becoming less awkward and she felt they were getting back into their groove.

He had even convinced her to come to Molly's one night for drinks after work. They hadn't arrived together and spent most of the night talking to other people but he kept an eye on her the whole time. She felt uncomfortable at first as people stared at her but Intelligence had rallied around her and shielded her from the worst of it. "Did you have fun?" Adam offered to drive her home.

"It was okay. A bit awkward at first but it was nice to break the ice, so to speak and get back out there. It will get easier right?"

"I am sure it will. And you did well. You looked like you enjoyed yourself."

Now the court case loomed and Kim retreated a little into herself again and Adam pulled back.

The previous night she had told him. "I know I said I wanted you to come but I understand if you changed your mind."

"I promised you I'd be there, as will everyone else. You shouldn't have to go through it alone and no-one is going to let that happen."

"But I can't stop thinking about what I did to you last time."

Adam held up his hand to stop her "I don't want to talk about it." He jumped up from the couch and disappeared into the kitchen, grabbing himself another beer. Kim had started stocking his favourite beer again as he often stopped in on his way home from work if she was off shift.

"Adam. We need to talk about it."

"Why? What's done is done. You were fucking Roman; you didn't owe me anything. We weren't together anymore. It would have been nice to have a head's up, I thought perhaps I deserved that, you know seeing that we were engaged once but I get that you had other more important things on your mind." His tone was short and laced with bitterness. "I was low on your list of your priorities."

It was one step forward and two steps back some days. Kim was used to it. She couldn't fault his support and she couldn't disagree with any of his feelings. He was being honest with her and that's all she could ask for at this stage, even if it hurt when he got angry.

When they pulled up at the courthouse he squeezed her hand before they got out of his truck. "You can do this."

As they milled around and waited he saw Amanda come in. She talked to Kim for a while before making a beeline for him. "Hi Adam." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. They had chatted a couple of times on the phone because at times Amanda worried that Kim wasn't telling her everything. "How's she been?"

"The last couple of days not so good. I think it's just the stress of today."

"And you?"

"Keen to get this over with." The first time they spoke it was a little tense but they had come to the realisation that now they both wanted the same thing, they wanted Kim to move on, whatever it took. Amanda knew that Kim wanted Adam to be part of her life again and right now they were friends and doing okay.

"I am not sure how I am going to stop myself throwing myself over the barrier and wringing his scrawny neck."

"You know I wouldn't stop you." They both laughed. "But I know a few cops and lawyers to help you out if you do."

Amanda hugged him as they were called into the court. "Thank you for looking after my sister. We owe you."

Adam let Erin sit next to her in court with Platt on the other side. He sat behind her between Atwater and Halstead. Kim had a fair idea why. He was still worried that people would think he was making a move on her. Erin held her hand tightly, she wished it was someone else but the support was appreciated anyway.

When she gave her evidence he couldn't look at her, he looked at his hands yet every single word was burned into his soul as she relived every moment with Roman. Not only was it the big things, the hand and the burn it was also the squeezing of her arm leaving her bruised, the bite on her leg and the emotional and verbal abuse. Some of it he knew, some he was learning for the first time. It was like being punched repeatedly.

They didn't have a lot of physical evidence. Obviously there were the x-rays from her hand and the hospital had managed to take a photo of it for their files while she was being x-rayed. The burn was well documented but they only had Will Halstead's word on the finger like bruises on her arm. There were certainly no photos on Kim's phone.

Hearing her voice quiver when she tried to deny that he had forced himself onto her had killed Adam. It had made his blood boil that she was willing to protect him and she attempted to explain what had happened. Her lawyer wasn't as willing to let it go. "Did you ever tell him 'no'?"

"Yes."

"Did he stop?"

Kim took a deep breath, she looked at Adam but he had his head bowed. "Not always." She could hear the crowd gasp and saw Adam's head drop lower and he briefly rested his head in his hands. Atwater rested his hand on his mate's back.

That had been a painful discussion. The day that she finally admitted to Adam that Sean hadn't always stopped when she asked him to. She still insisted that she eventually relented just to get it over and done with.

Adam squeezed his hands tightly together and clamped them between his thighs to stop himself losing it. "I don't understand why you want to protect him."

"I am not protecting him. I am protecting myself."

"How?" He barely got the word out.

"I don't want to remember it, I don't want to talk about it. I want to put it behind me and forget if ever happened."

"It did happen though. He not only physically assaulted you, he was emotionally abusive and now you are telling me that he sexually assaulted you." He exploded out the chair.

"Adam, sit down." Kim tugged on his hand.

"No. No. No." He snatched his hand away. "I can't believe you are doing this. I can't believe you are letting him get away with this."

"Adam. I understand you are angry."

"Angry? Angry doesn't even come close."

Kim had no idea how to get through to him. He wouldn't even sit down to talk to her. She knew that he would be angry and try and talk her out of it. Erin had tried several times to get her to admit it. "Do you hate me for this?"

"Hate you?" He repeated. He wasn't sure he had heard her right. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you. That's half my problem."

Kim jumped up and rested a hand on his arm. "Then sit down and talk to me." They did sit down and it took a while but eventually they started talking about it. Kim waited until he broke the silence and in the end he had agreed to support her decision, he didn't like it or agree with it but it was her decision and hers alone. One thing he did agree with was that he wanted to put this all behind them and move on.

"When did you start seeing your ex-fiancé again?" Adam's head snapped up. Atwater looked at his buddy as he felt him stiffen.

"I'm not. He's a friend. That's all. We are not in a relationship." He was surprised it hurt as much as it did to hear her define their relationship like that even though he was the one who was adamant that that was all they had right now.

Throughout it all Roman never took his eyes off her. He stared at her hard, as if he was willing her to back down. They had all seen it before. Intimidation, it was subtle and often effective in these cases. Burgess met his unwavering scrutiny with equal determination. He'd picked the wrong woman. And it cost him his career and a year in prison and a record that could never be expunged.

Adam couldn't stand to be in that building for one more second. As soon as it was over he took off outside and that's where Al found him, taking slow and deliberate steps along the concourse. "You okay Kid?"

He stopped and looked up at Al. "I just couldn't be inside anymore. I needed fresh air."

"You did well in there. That must have been tough."

"I've heard and seen some pretty shit stuff in those court rooms but that was the worst. Even worse than finding out she was sleeping with him. That was brutal."

"What you gonna do?"

"Take her home and make sure she's okay. It wasn't about me."

Al placed one hand on his cheek and patted it lightly. "It involves you too and you did good. She did good. Put it behind you now." He offered quietly. "I'm proud of you."

Kim looked around for Adam as everyone came up to her and hugged her. "Where's is he?" she asked Atwater.

"Getting some fresh air. He's waiting for you outside when you are ready to leave."

She hugged her sister for the longest time and promised her that she was fine and that Adam was taking her home. They had organised to catch up for dinner in a couple of days when Amanda was going to be in the city again.

Adam again rested his hand on her lower back and guided her to his truck. In the court, when the Judge had handed down the verdict he had placed his hand lightly on the back of her neck so that she knew he was there. As they drove home he stole a couple of glances at Kim, she was staring out the window at the passing landscape, building, cars and people all blurring into one. She said nothing.

It wasn't until he had her safely inside her apartment that she fell apart. She'd held it together all day, absolutely determined that he was not going to see her cry. Now, in Adam's arms she cried until there was nothing left. It was ugly and painful and raw.

The day had been no more painful than he thought it would be. In the brief moments Roman had taken his eyes off Kim he levelled them at Adam. He couldn't figure out what he had ever done to him to see such pure hatred in his eyes.

Some of the evidence that came out in court regarding Roman was startling. He had fooled at lot of people. Stories emerged of his violent temper and while no one came forward and admitting to being abused by him they all doubted that Kim was the first. He was proud that she was the one that was strong enough to put an end to it.

Not that it mattered to Kim right now. Every single moment of her relationship with Roman was laid bare in front of a courtroom full of her peers and in front of Adam. Every little moment was breaking his heart yet again. Once again she was responsible for his pain. Yet he was still here, he was still here for her.

"Can I ask you something?" Kim pulled herself up and wiped her tear stained face. "One last favour."

Adam nodded.

"Can you stay here tonight?"

"Why?" He took a step back trying to put some distance between them. Even feeling this close to her right now was too much. He could feel his chest tightening as he tried to catch his breath, the room felt small all of a sudden. "I can't."

"Not like that. Adam I just can't stay here alone right now. I've tried and it's too much. Today was too much."

"Kim. I am not sure how much more I can give you."

"You have given me everything lately. I get up each day because I know I have you in my corner. I know we are friends and that's it." Kim ran her hands over her face. "I just need to feel something more, something different. I need to feel less alone."

"There is no more." It was killing Adam to stay away from her. She was vulnerable but so beautiful at the same time. He loved her. "I know today has been rough and you are emotional and I am scared if I stay here I will never be able to leave."

"Then don't."

"Kim I can't stay here."

"Why not?"

"Because I love you." He surprised himself when the words came out. "I am in love you with, still after everything that's happened. I never stopped, I couldn't stop."

"Adam." She took a step closer and he backed away.

"I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't dump that on you. That's not fair."

"Don't be sorry."

Adam grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair where he had thrown it when they got back to her place. "Kim." She stood in front of him blocking the door and rested her hands lightly on his chest. "Let me go. Please." He begged.

"No." she stood on her tiptoes and pressed her mouth to his. He couldn't help himself and he reached for the back of her neck and pulled her closer and for a precious few moments he lost himself in her kiss. He pulled away first and rested his forehead on hers. "I can't stay." He repeated. "I'm sorry."

"Why not?"

"Because I want it all. I want all of you, I want you so badly it hurts but it's not right."

"It is."

"No it's not. Not tonight, not now." Gently he moved her to the side and left. Kim closed her eyes and rested her fingers lightly on her lips; trying to hold onto him, hold onto that feeling. That spark was still there. She felt it and knew that he did too.

Then she didn't hear from him for the rest of the week. Even at work he kept his distance. Adam actually felt uncomfortable around her and he hated that he had unloaded on her when she was dealing with the fallout from court. It had been a harrowing day for both of them and the last thing she needed was him to tell her that he loved her, that he wanted her and then to just walk away. She had told him that Roman and her had fallen into bed together at the end of an emotional day and he felt that he was just as bad as Roman was for taking advantage of her when all she wanted was for him to be a friend.

She cornered him in the locker room at the end of the week. He was just leaving work while she was coming in. "Hey stranger." Her voice was light as she leant against the end of the row of lockers but inside she was a swirl of emotion.

"Hey Kim."

"Busy week huh?"

"Pretty much. What about you?" He unbuttoned his shirt and grabbed a clean one from his locker.

"Nice to get back to work and put everything behind me." She tried to focus on anything but the fact he was changing right in front of her and how it was making her feel seeing his broad chest and shoulders and his strong arms. How she wanted to reach out and touch his skin, to kiss him again. How the sight of him had always made her catch her breath. "I'm on a nightshift tomorrow night but do you want to grab breakfast or lunch tomorrow?"

"Sure. Lunch okay?" They arranged a time and place to meet and he grabbed his bag and closed his locker door. "Stay safe." He muttered and he squeezed her arm lightly on the way past.


	10. Chapter 10 - Stab in the Dark

Kim certainly wasn't the only one that was over-thinking the situation but at least she had work and a morning looking at new apartments to distract her. Adam had nothing and he barely slept; he was up early and at Antonio's Gym unloading a lot of nervous tension and energy onto an unsuspecting punching bag. He tried to zone out but it was impossible.

"Whoa, you are here early. Did you wet the bed?" Antonio was surprised to see Ruzek when he came in. He was more an after shift guy and never on a Saturday morning. If they weren't working he was usually, like the rest of them nursing the slightest of hangovers from relaxing on a Friday night at Molly's to mark them making it through another week. The sun had barely cracked the horizon and usually the place was only filled with the serious boxers this time of the morning.

"Funny guy."

Antonio leant into the bag, holding it steady for him. "You stewing about something?"

"How can you tell?"

"Well you are beating the shit out of this bag, it's barely dawn and you look like you haven't slept."

"Thank you Detective Dawson." Adam stopped and shook out his arms before ripping off one glove and grabbing a drink and wiping his sweaty face.

"Shall I take a stab in the dark at what's got you all hot and bothered?"

"I would really rather you didn't."

"I bet, but I will anyway. Burgess?"

"Burgess." He repeated as he pulled his glove back on. Antonio braced himself against the bag as he started punching again. It really wasn't giving him the relief he wanted no matter how hard he went.

"What's going on?"

"Who knows? It's all such a clusterfuck. Things were good for awhile and now it's not."

"What happened?"

"The court case happened." He put both hands on his head and sucked in a few deep breaths. "And I told her that I still loved her and then walked out."

"Why?"

"Why did I tell her that I loved her?"

"No, why did you walk out?" Everyone knew that he still loved her, that was as plain as day.

"Because she was vulnerable and emotional and that's what got her into this situation with Roman. I didn't want to be that guy."

"You are not that guy. Don't ever say that." He shoved the punching bag at him angrily. "You cannot compare yourself to him. He was a violent prick and the difference between you and him, apart from the obvious is that you love her and want what is best for her and always have. Things didn't work out the first time, so what?" Antonio shrugged. "Doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make it work now."

"What if it is not want she wants?"

"What have you got to lose?"

"My pride, my self respect and the delicate state of my fragile male ego. Everyone knows she dumped me and then shacked up with Roman, how pathetic does it look if I go crawling back and she rejects me again?"

"Not as pathetic as you look right now wallowing in self pity, drowning in misery and pining over a woman you love but won't do anything about. You seriously suck the life out of the room sometimes with all your moping."

"Thanks man." Ruzek rolled his eyes and took a big swing at the bag. "Nice pep talk."

By the time lunch time came around Kim could barely contain her nerves. She had almost knocked over the glass of water that the waiter had bought to the table as she waited for Adam. Looking at her phone she was praying that there were no messages because she had an irrational fear that he was going to bail on her. The clock told her it was just midday and he wasn't late but god she wished he would hurry up.

"Hi." He leant over and kissed her cheek as he took his seat. He suddenly felt like he was on a first date back in High School and they weren't particularly fun experiences either. "Nice place."

"It's new, I think it's been open about a month."

"How was last night?" He ordered a beer and Kim just had a soda water seeing as she had to work later that night. She could have done with some alcohol right now to settle her nerves.

"Not too crazy. It's definitely starting to get colder at night though."

The waiter came back with his beer and the menu. Kim chuckled a little when Adam ordered. "What?" He didn't even need to look any further once he saw it on the menu.

"Somehow I knew you'd choose the Pork Belly."

Adam shrugged. "I am a creature of habit and I am sill on the hunt for Chicago's best Pork Belly."

"You haven't found it yet?"

"Nope." The banter was easy, then again it always had been. Even before they were actually dating they were comfortable with each other. "Still looking. Anyway, how's your week been?"

"It's been good, better and I feel like I am starting to get on top of things. I have decided to give up my place so I've been looking at a few places this morning."

"Anything good?" He was rolling the beer bottle in his hands, a habit he had when he was thinking about things.

"Not yet. It's slim pickings so far, well in my budget anyway."

They talked about nothing in particular until lunch arrived and Kim was surprised when Adam cut a corner off his Pork and dropped it on her plate. It was something he had always done, given her a taste of his meal when they were together. "What do you think?" he asked, as she tasted it.

"Pretty good."

Once their plates had been cleared Adam reached across the table and rested his hand on hers. He rubbed his thumb back and forth across her knuckles. "I'm sorry about last week. I wasn't fair to you that day, after the Court Case but I want you to know I meant it. Every word."

"You don't know how happy that made me. To hear you say that after everything."

"I don't know what it means for us though."

"I hope it means we are going to try." Kim looped her fingers through and caressed his palm with her thumb.

"Me too." Adam admitted. "It might take some time though. I don't want to rush you."

"See that's where differ. I want you to rush."

"I can tell." He winked.

Kim had a few more places lined up to look at that afternoon. Adam offered to go with her and it felt a little strange. Obviously the relator assumed that they were looking for a place together. Every time it was mentioned Adam looked a little uncomfortable and would mumbled that they weren't together. It left Kim feeling a little battered; he was making it quite clear that they had a long road to plough.

Adam hung around until Kim left for work, they had grabbed pizza for dinner after the apartment hunting was done and watched TV. For the first time in a long time they decided they didn't want to talk, that being together and searching for that sliver of normalcy was what they needed. Nights like this were pretty regular when they were together and it was nice to go back there again. "I just want to stay here." She was curled up on her couch. "With you."

"You need to go protect and serve." Adam kissed the top of her head.

"I am scared you will change your mind overnight."

"Not going to happen. I will see you tomorrow I promise." He sealed his promise with a long slow kiss before he left her to get ready for work. The temptation had been there when they got back to her place to fall into bed together but Adam had held back and Kim let him. One thing he knew, without a doubt it wasn't going to happen here, in this place with all the memories. His and hers. He had good memories here, it was the place they first got together and they had hid out here regularly in the early days. Kim's memories were mixed. Roman had destroyed this place for her.

It was almost midday when he woke. Grabbing his phone he had one message from Kim letting him know that she was home and going to get a few hours sleep. Before he had the chance to answer his phone rang. He assumed it was Kim so had to look twice at the number. He didn't recognise it.

He shot Kim a quick message. _'Something has come up. Sorry.'_

Kim rolled over and peered at the clock when she heard her phone beep. The day was half done and she'd obviously come home and crashed and had slept for a solid five hours. Her heart sank at his message. He had promised her that he would still be around today; that he wasn't going to change his mind.

Kim kept staring at the message, trying to figure it out. It could be work, or perhaps he had changed his mind, she had no idea and that wasn't pleasant feeling. Moments like this did nothing for her anxiety. By the time Atwater stopped by and they headed out to grab a coffee Kim had gone through every single scenario she could think of and none of them were pretty. "I thought you'd be a work today?"

"Nope." Kevin muttered and that made Kim even more nervous. All this back and forth was seriously doing her head in. They were so close one minute and miles apart the next. Last night she finally felt that they were sorting it out and now he had disappeared again. She couldn't keep doing this. "Why?"

Catching up with Kevin suddenly didn't feel like a good idea. "I don't know. Adam was meant to come over and I haven't heard from him. He said something came up and I assumed it was work."

"Not that I am aware of. Maybe he's off books with a CI or something." Kevin shrugged. "Speaking of Ruzek. What's going on?"

"I don't know. It's back and forth at the moment. I think we are going to try and work things out, well that's what I thought last night but now I have no idea. Maybe he's had time to think about it and decided it's too hard."

"Nah, I think he knows what he wants. Don't jump to conclusions."

"I know. That's what got me into this mess. Making assumptions."

"And if it turns out that he's being a dick, I promise to personally knock him into next week."


	11. Chapter 11 - I needed it to be you

Adam rested his head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath. It felt like it was the first fresh air he was getting into his lungs all day.

It was now dark out; he'd been here all afternoon. He was tried, bone crushingly tried. He looked at his phone and scrolled through all the messages. Mostly from his family and he stopped when he found the one her was looking for. _'No worries. Are you okay?'_

Kim had also left him a voice message after her coffee date with Kevin. She had called him but it had gone straight to voicemail.

He closed his eyes and rested his head against the headrest wearily as he waited for her to pick up. "Hey Kim. Sorry I haven't called."

"Are you okay?"

"Ahh… Not really." Kim's heart leapt into her throat when he paused for a moment. "I'm at the hospital. My Dad had a heart attack."

"Oh god Adam, is he okay?"

"Yeah. I think so. He's had a stent put in and he's doing okay now."

"That's good right? Do you want me to come down?"

"No, it's okay. I'm heading home now anyway. Not much more I can do here. Hey, I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. It's just been pretty full on."

"It's okay. How are you?"

"Okay." He answered shakily. He sounded anything but okay.

"Do you want some company?" Kim asked quietly. She could hear him suck in a deep breath and she held hers in anticipation.

"Yes." His voice was barely above a whisper. It had been another emotionally draining day and in all honesty he had no idea how many more he could take. He wanted her. For once he needed someone to be there for him. Lately no one had been there for him, since all this started he had either pushed people away or pretended that he was fine. Once he had told her that he wasn't fine, just after they split up and she had brushed him off and since them the wall around him just kept getting higher. Right now he was anything but fine. And it wasn't just lately, since the day Kim had given him back the ring he'd been alone. Was it wrong to ask for help? He was scared that even if he asked he wouldn't get the help he needed? He didn't want to be hurt again.

His Dad's heart attack suddenly bought him to a screaming halt. The weight of the world felt like it was squarely on his back. He had spent the afternoon worried about his Dad, organising his work and making decisions about his treatment. He'd spoken to his Uncle and fielded calls from the rest of his somewhat absent family and he'd done it all by himself.

He didn't want to be alone anymore; that feeling was becoming too familiar, too comfortable. While they assured him that his father was stable and resting comfortably he needed to retreat into his own world and now that Kim was spinning in his orbit again he knew that's what he needed the most. He needed Kim.

Adam had barely walked through the door and dropped his keys and wallet on the bench before he called the hospital to check up on his Pops. He was still stable and they promised to call if anything changed.

He grabbed a beer from the fridge and stood in the kitchen letting the cold liquid slide down his throat. Finishing off the beer he tossed the bottle in the recycle bin when he heard a knock on the door. Kim held up a take-out bag from Au Cheval. "Thought you'd be hungry."

"You thought right." He pulled her inside and wrapped one arm around her waist. "It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too. Are you okay?"

"Sure." He grabbed the bag from her hand and leant in for a kiss. It was soft and sweet but all too brief.

Kim followed him into the kitchen. "How's your Dad?"

"Not too bad. I just called the hospital and he's resting comfortably right now. It's been a pretty long day." He rubbed his face wearily as he let Kim grab some plates and dish out the burgers and fries. He fetched a couple of beers before they headed to the couch. It was the first time she had been back here since they broke up and not much had changed. He had always been a clean freak, if not a little untidy but it was never dirty.

"You'd be surprised. I did go through a period where this place looked like a brothel." He could see her looking around, seeing what had changed no doubt. "I've got my shit together now though."

"Last night was a long hard slog. We jumped from one call to another. I got home and just crashed." Adam sat and listened to Kim talk about her night shift as he finished off his burger. He hadn't really eaten all day and it barely touched the sides and he was happy to let her do the talking and not have to think about what was going on a the hospital for a few minutes. "I caught up with Atwater this afternoon."

"How is Kev?" There was a time that he and Kevin had been on the outer. Adam had found out that Atwater had caught up with Roman for beers at Molly's just after they all found out about Kim's relationship with him in Court. That had hurt him, he felt that he'd been kicked around by just about everyone and thought he could rely on his best friend, actually his Best Man to have his back. Obviously not and he had called him out on it. Of course Atwater had apologised and had decided to distance himself from Kim and Roman and be there for his buddy. They had got over it and now Atwater was just as angry with Roman as he was.

"Good. You know Kev, he's always good at talking me down from a ledge."

"What ledge were you on now?"

Kim blushed a little. "Oh you know me, I still over think things."

"You really shouldn't. It's not good for you." Adam leant forward and placed his plate on the table and grabbed his beer. "You over think things and I don't talk enough, right?"

"You've talked a lot lately." Kim rested her hand on his thigh. "Do you think that'll stop anytime soon?"

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No, but I want to stop talking about the same things over and over again. The going around in circles could stop. The rest can stay."

"Sure, fair point." He shrugged as he picked at the label on his beer. "I guess soon enough we'll decide that there is nothing more to talk about with regards to the last few months. Anyway I am glad you are here."

"Yeah?"

"It's been tough. I have pushed people away and tried to deal with everything by myself. Right now I need someone to hold me up. I want someone to be here for me for a change." He took a mouthful of beer as he stared off into space. "And I needed it to be you."

"I'm glad." Adam grabbed a cushion and laid it in her lap before lying down. He was looking up at her and Kim started brushing his hair gently back from his forehead. "I miss this."

"Me too." He closed his eyes and let the feeling of being so close to her wash over him. The feeling of having someone care about him was all that he needed. Did she want more? Probably… Could he give it to her? Probably not right now.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you earlier. I guess you freaked out a bit hey?" Adam looped his fingers through her free hand and rested it on his stomach.

"I tried not too."

"It was pretty crazy. I had only just woken up and saw your message and then I got the call. It all happened pretty quickly and by the time I got to the hospital everything was just spinning. Every time I thought I had a minute to call you something else happened. People were coming at me left, right and centre all wanting a piece of me. I had no idea what they were talking about half the time. And my phone didn't stop." He felt he had to explain his afternoon and why he didn't call. "I was worried that you would think I had changed my mind."

"It's okay Adam. Really. Your family is important and your Dad needed you."

"So you weren't all freaked out?" He opened one eye and looked at her and she knew he wasn't buying what she was trying to sell.

"Well, I little bit." She admitted.

"Sorry. It wasn't what I had planned for today."

"What did you have planned?"

"I was hoping that we could go out maybe spend some time down at the river or something and maybe dinner."

"At least we got the dinner part."

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks for the Burgers. They were pretty good." He bought her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers before closing his eyes again and enjoying the silence.

Kim on the other hand, didn't want silence. She wanted to hear his voice; she wanted to see his eyes. They had always done it for her, his eyes. He was so expressive and most of it came from those dark soulful eyes. He was the only person who could physically touch her right now; she felt safe and comfortable with him and hadn't felt that for the longest time.

"Do you mind if I grab a shower?" Suddenly his voice surprised her as he pushed himself up. She had been a million miles away, lost in her own thoughts.

The silence had given him a moment to think. All day his mind had been taken up with his Pop and now he wanted to think about something else. Yet those thoughts were just as chaotic. What did he want? What did he want to happen right now? If he asked her to stay what did it mean? Could they take the next step? Was he ready to take the next step? Was she ready?

"Sure. Go ahead. I'll make a coffee." She stood up and grabbed the plates from table and headed to the kitchen. Adam watched her go before he wearily stood up and knew, by the sag of her shoulders that she was probably just as confused as he was.

He came out of the shower and Kim was back sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in her hand staring at the dark liquid in her cup. "Whatcha thinking about?" He dropped down beside her. Her nose was filled with his scent, fresh and clean with his familiar body wash. It surrounded her and made her heart beat a little faster. He never brushed his hair when he got out of the shower; actually she doubted he actually owned a comb or brush so it was a little wild looking where he had just run his hands through it. God, he looked spectacular, she had forgotten how good-looking he really was.

"Nothing in particular."

"Yeah sure." He was onto her.

"Okay." Kim felt the warming sensation of a blush creeping up her neck. "I was thinking about you, in the shower and that you were naked. Probably not appropriate right now though is it?"

Adam chuckled a little before looking at her seriously. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to push you. You've been through so much and I need you to be ready to put it all behind you."

"I know."

"If I ask you to stay tonight would you be happy if we just slept?"

"In your bed?" She asked. "In your arms? Yes."

He reached out and tucked a loose wave of hair behind her ear. "Then stay please." His thumb grazed her cheek lightly "Stay with me."

Kim leant into his hand and met his steady gaze. "Let's go to bed." She whispered.

Up until that moment she thought she was ready. And then she got into his bedroom and he started to undress Kim suddenly felt the room spinning and she sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong Baby?" he crouched down in front of her and rested both hands lightly on her thighs. Kim jumped a little and he pulled his hands away. "Kim, honey. Talk to me."

When she lifted her head her eyes were brimming with tears. "I'm sorry Adam."

"What?"

"I thought I could do this. I want to do this."

"Kim, if you are not ready that's okay. I can sleep on the couch."

"No, god no. It's just….I'm embarrassed." She finally admitted. "About the burn." Although the wound had healed well every time she looked in the mirror she could see it. It was an ugly reminder of the worst days of her life. A painful reminder of all the mistakes she had made.

"I don't care about that. I care about you. That doesn't define you; it means nothing to me. Like those scars from when you were shot, they are battle scars; scars that show how tough you are." He held out a hand and waited for her to take it again. Slowly she did and he entwined his fingers through hers and they stayed there for just a moment. Eventually he pulled her up off the bed and led her over to the chest of drawers and pulled out a t-shirt for her to wear. "You can wear this." While she changed he turned off the light.

Adam got into bed and waited. He didn't say anything as Kim climbed in bed and he opened his arms and welcomed her back where she belonged. Where he could keep her safe and protect her. Kim rested a hand on his stomach, relishing the feeling of his skin under her fingers. She moved them lightly and at first Adam barely felt it. When he did he turned his head towards her and kissed the top of her head. "You Okay?" he whispered.

"I am." It was the most peaceful night's sleep she'd had in weeks, probably months. They were woken by Adam's phone well before dawn. He sat up quickly, squinting at the number and he felt a wave of dread rush through him.

"I'm on my way." Kim was sitting up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist as he dropped his head. "I've gotta go. My Dad.." his voice was hoarse. "He's had another heart attack."

"Adam, I'm so sorry. Can I do anything? Do you want me to come with you?"

"Could you? Is that okay?" Something deep within him told him that the outcome of this day wasn't going to be positive and he didn't want to go through it alone. They both quickly got dressed, grabbed a coffee and were out the door in less than twenty minutes. Adam held her hand all the way to the hospital, he couldn't let go because he felt like things were slipping through his fingers and if he blinked or let go she would be gone too. He was hanging on for dear life because part of him knew that life was never going to be the same after today.

Adam sat with Bob for an hour before he came out and sat with Kim. Bob's sister had arrived and Adam let her go in and see her brother alone. Kim offered to call the District for him and let them know what was going on and that he wouldn't be in today and she reminded him. "Then people will know about us."

He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. "Do you think I care about that right now?" The hand that she had on his thigh was quickly removed. He opened his eyes quickly and grabbed her hand again and put it back on his leg. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I am glad you are here and I just meant that I don't really care what people think. I need you here now and people can make up their own minds about what that means."

"Are you sure?"

"Kim. Stop over thinking everything." He was a little exasperated, he couldn't deal with her insecurities right now. He knew by the drop of her head that he had spoken a little harshly and apologised immediately. Kim brushed it off with a gentle kiss. "It's okay." She whispered against his lips. "It's okay Adam." His lips were a little salty, he'd obviously been crying when he was with his father. Kim felt her heart breaking for him and was surprised at how much his pain affected her. These moments only reinforced how wrong everything had been over the last few months.

Kim called Voight for him. Out of everyone she knew that he wouldn't even bat an eyelid that she was calling or make a big deal of it. Although Adam didn't care what anyone thought, Kim wasn't sure she was ready for all the inevitable questions. He told her to call him if Ruzek needed anything and let him know if things changed.

And change they did. Not for the better. The second heart attack had killed off far too much heart muscle and it became a waiting game. Adam spent some time with him and although he was unconscious he liked to think that his Dad could hear him.

"Pops." He started slowly. "I owe you everything. I am who I am because of you. I am the cop that I am because of you. I hope you are proud of me. Thank you for coming home to me everyday when I was a boy, thank you for coming to watch me play, taking me to ball games and ice hockey games. I know the last few months have been rough and that you were worried about me but I want you to know that I am going to be okay. I have Kim, she's going to help me get through this." Tears streamed down his face. "I love her, I know you always knew that but let me work it out for myself. You didn't push me, you supported me and I know you hurt for me too. I want you to be happy for me. I carry you with me everyday; everyday when I pick up that star I know that's you; that you'll be with me. I love you Pops." He kissed his father's forehead and rested there for a few moments.

He fell into Kim's arms when he came out. Letting his Aunt and newly arrived Uncle have their time to say goodbye to their brother. He didn't speak and he had no idea how long they sat in silence for. A nurse eventually came out and tapped him on the shoulder. "You should go in." and he knew it meant that it was the end.

The nurse returned a little while later and told her that he'd gone. Kim pressed her hands to her eyes as she fought back tears. Not only for Bob, who she had met a few times but mainly for Adam. She was devastated for him.

"Baby I am so sorry." She could feel the wetness of his tears on her neck. He held onto her so tightly. He was grateful that he had someone to hold onto and he was grateful that it was Kim.

He had given her his phone while he went back into his father's room and she called Voight. He didn't want to talk to anyone just yet.

Voight came out of his office and stood quietly in the centre of his Bullpen. "Bob Ruzek passed away a little while ago. Adam was with him." A sad silence fell over the room. "We all know that Adam doesn't have much family, except this one."

Al stepped away from his desk after they took some time to let it sink in before he called him. "Hi Al, it's Kim."

"Burgess." He wasn't completely surprised to hear her voice. "How's the kid?" Kim smiled a little. Adam pretended to hate it when Al called him 'Kid' but he knew it was a term of endearment that he only used with Adam and right now he would need to hear it.

"He's pretty stunned. I am pretty sure it hasn't really hit him yet, it all happened so quickly."

"It's good that you are there for him. You are exactly what he needs. Hey, give him a hug from me."

"I will Al. I think we are heading back to his Dad's place soon. I will let you know."

Holding onto his phone was comforting. It was heart warming to know how many people cared about him. Everyone in his unit called and there were so many messages of support from the District and his father's colleagues. He said he felt alone and wanted someone to be there for him for a change. He had so many people surrounding him; all he had to do was look up.

The day was a blur of visitors, decisions and tears. Kim felt a little out of place as Adam gracefully greeted the visitors once they were back at the house. There was a steady stream of cops, old friends and neighbours all coming through, filling the house with noise, flowers and food. It had always amused her how people turned up with food when someone died. Did people just have something in the freezer, ready to go? She was grateful for the cakes though because it also seemed that when people came to pay their respects the awkwardness of what to say next could always be relieved with a cup of tea or coffee and something to eat.

Kim busied herself in the kitchen and with finding homes for all the flowers that started flooding in by the afternoon. She had barely spoken to Adam since they had been there although he did find her briefly. She rested a hand on his cheek. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay I think." Before he disappeared again.

"Kim." She swung around in surprise when she heard Erin's voice and as Erin wrapped her up in a hug she let a few tears fall. "Are you okay?"

"Yep. I am just trying to help." She offered meekly.

"I am sure Adam really appreciates that you are here. He told me that you had been here all day."

She looked at her feet shyly. "I was at his place this morning when the hospital called." She admitted.

Erin giggled. "I figured as much."

"Nothing like that happened." She clarified quickly. "With his Dad yesterday he just wanted some company."

"Kim, you don't need to justify anything. As long as you and Adam are happy with everything, that's all that matters."

She could tell that he appreciated that the entire Intelligence Unit turned up for him. It was nice to see his family crowded around him, because that's all he had left. When they eventually all left Kim found him in his Pop's study, staring out the window. It was the only quiet place in the house. "Hey." Kim closed the door softly behind her. Adam turned his head and smiled sadly.

"You're hiding?"

"Just for a minute. I needed to catch my breath. It's all pretty full on." Adam held out his arm and Kim wrapped her arms around his waist and he enveloped her. The silence was just what he needed and instinctively Kim knew that he didn't need her to say anything

It wasn't long before they were interrupted by one of his cousins. "I'm coming." He sighed when he was told that the Chaplain was here. He kissed Kim softly.

"Hey I'm going to take off for a bit."

Adam felt his heart tighten a little. He really didn't want her to go. Although he had barely had two minutes alone with her all afternoon knowing that she was there was enough.

"I need to have a shower and change of clothes."

"Will you be back?"

"Are you staying here tonight? I can get you some clothes if you want." His Aunt would be staying as she had driven down from Minneapolis and would be staying at the house. She didn't want to stay by herself as husband was still on his way. Adam got on well with his Aunt, not that he saw her much these days but growing up he had spent a fair bit of time with them. His cousins were of similar age but were pretty much all settled now and he didn't keep in touch with them either.

"I guess so, at least for tonight. If you could grab me some stuff that would be good." He dug around in his pocket for his keys. "Don't be too long."


	12. Chapter 12 - Not what you want to hear

Kim finally had a moment to think and to breathe. When she got back at her place she jumped in the shower and as the hot water washed away the day she felt the sudden sting of tears in her eyes.

Adam needed her like never before but she was worried that he would lean on her because of this situation rather than because he wanted to re-kindle their relationship. What if in the end of it all this was just delaying the inevitable? What if they couldn't make it work? Was this just going to make it harder to say goodbye?

Drying herself off, she let her fingers rest on the faint scar on her chest. How could they ever move on if she couldn't even let him see it?

But then again sleeping in his arms again had been perfect. She felt like she'd come home after months of roaming aimlessly and she had to believe that this was just another slight change in direction and they could get there, they would get there. She was certainly going to fight tooth and nail for him.

She heard her phone beep with a message from the other room. Quickly throwing on some clothes she threw some toiletries in a bag along with a change of clothes. Adam had sent her a message. _'In case I forget to tell you later. I couldn't have made it through today without you.'_

 _'I would do anything to make this hurt less for you. I'll be back soon.'_ She responded quickly.

Kim headed over to his place and grabbed some clothes for him. She made the bed, the bed that they had slept in last night before sitting for a few moments and ran her hands over his pillow. It had been so nice to be here last night. It was nice to be close to him again. It had been weeks of back and forth, drifting close and then pulling away again. Adam had been beside her through her darkest moments and that made her feel more guilty because she had turned her back on him the moment things got too hard and without talking to him. It was time to start showing him that she was strong enough now to be that person. The person he could rely and depend on. Whatever happened to them in the future she would do this for him now, she would be there for him.

Back at the house the visitors had basically all gone and only a few of Bob's closet friends remained. Adam jumped up when he saw the lights of his truck in the driveway and came out to meet Kim. "How is it?"

"Calming down." He grabbed his bag and smiled a little when he saw hers. "So you are staying?"

"Only if you want me too. I wasn't sure."

"Of course I want you to stay. I thought I'd made that quite obvious." Kim followed him into the house and he headed upstairs to put the bags in his room. He indicated that Kim should follow him. As he dropped the bags inside his room he pulled Kim in and closed the door.

"I just want a couple of minutes to talk to you. We haven't had much of a chance today." He led her over to the bed and pulled her down to sit beside him. "I'm a little lost. I feel like I am standing on the outside watching everything unravel. I never thought this would happen. I just always thought my Dad would be here."

Kim rested one hand on his cheek and the other on his thigh. He covered her hand with his. "I can't imagine what it feels like to lose your Dad. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but there is nothing that feels right."

"I don't need you to say anything. I just need you to be here. That's all I want."

"I am here. For as long as you want me to be."

"We can do this, can't we?" Adam's voice broke finally and he let the tears fall freely.

"I really think we can." Kim's felt her own resolve crumbling. "But Adam there is no rush. We'll take it day by day and right now you have more important things to focus on. Just know that I will be here."

They headed back downstairs and re-joined his family. Kim sat with his Aunt for a while. "Adam told me you'd been through a pretty rough few months and I am sorry. He really was worried about you."

"He's been amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better friend and after all we've been through it was unexpected. I've loved having him around and now I want to be around for him."

"He will need it. Bob adored him and lately they had been pretty close. I wish we lived closer; I used to love having him come and stay on school holidays. He was exhausting, always on the go but he had such a big heart. He just wanted to make everyone happy. I think he was like that because things were pretty shitty for him at home." Kim laughed a little because she could just imagine Adam as a boy. She doubted that he was much different from what he was like now.

"He's still like that. Drives people insane sometimes when he bounces around like Tigger."

"I feel so sad for him. He doesn't really have anyone here. His mother is a bit flaky and his step mother is a tad psychotic."

Kim looked across the room as he threw his head back and laughed. Someone she didn't know was obviously telling him a story about his Pop. While the laugh was genuine the smile didn't reach his eyes. "He does have people. I've had his phone all day and the amount of people that care about him is amazing. He's not alone and he has me, and everyone in Intelligence. They are his family too. We will look after him."

Adam caught her eye and that time the smile reached his eyes. Kim saw and as did his Aunt. She squeezed Kim's arm. "You are a lucky woman."

"I know." And she did. Now she did, God how she hated herself some days for her stupidity.

By the time Adam found his way over to her he was a little buzzed. More than a few of his Pop's colleagues had dropped by and they certainly didn't hold back on the toasts. He threw his arm around her shoulders as they sat on the couch and offered her some of his whiskey. "I do believe Adam Ruzek you are a little drunk." She took the glass from his hand.

"I do believe you are correct." They barely had five minutes before Adam was dragged away again.

He leapt from the couch when he saw who had come in. "What are you doing here?" his eyes narrowed as he was greeted by his Ex Step Mother, she leant in to give him a hug but Adam pulled away.

"Adam, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I just wanted to stop by and offer my condolences."

"You here to dance on his grave?" A hush fell over the room as the small crowd stopped to watch the confrontation. "Thanks for coming but I think it's best that you don't stay."

"Adam…." She started. Kim looked at the woman. She had never seen her or a photo of her. She was tall and willowy and done up to the nines. Fake was a word that sprang to mind. She looked fake. The make-up was a little too heavy, the hair a little too styled and the clothes were pretending to be classier than they were.

Kim didn't know much about that marriage, but she knew it ended quite nasty, a bit like his marriage to Adam's mother. No wonder Adam was running scared. He hadn't exactly had any good examples to learn from.

He turned on his heel and left the room. He couldn't deal with her right now. At some point he would have too but not right now. Kim jumped up and followed him.

"Adam, Baby." She rested a hand on his back as he leant on the kitchen counter. "You okay?"

"No." Kim rubbed his back. "I wasn't ready to deal with that."

"I know. She was a bitch to your Dad hey?" He had never really talked much about his Stepmother or his childhood.

"My Dad and to me. She hated me. The last thing she wanted was some annoying kid around so she did everything she could to make my life hell when I came to visit Dad." The only time Adam really talked about his childhood was late at night and usually in bed. Often it was dark and he would just talk without looking at her, he would just stare off into the darkness and she knew from those few stories that his childhood was far from sunshine and roses. By the time the morning came he just pretended like it didn't happen. At first Kim found it unsettling but soon discovered that it was his way. "I don't want to talk about right now though."

"Okay. Maybe later."

Adam didn't really leave her side for the rest of the night. Even if they drifted apart it was only for a few moments. He would find her. Every time he felt like he was spinning he would find her and let her centre him. The visit from his stepmother rattled him. Up until then he felt like he had some sort of control but now it was gone and he felt things crashing over him in waves.

It was late when Kim told him she was going to bed. "In my bed?" He asked as he slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her close and whispered in her ear.

"In your bed."

Not long after she went to bed he came in. He wasn't exactly sober and as he lay down Kim could hear him sigh and felt his body relax, probably for the first time all day. She rolled over and rested a hand on his stomach, lightly dragging her nails over his bare skin. Adam didn't move and she knew he was about to start talking.

"I won a drawing contest at school. First prize and I was so excited. It was a picture of me and my Dad. He was standing beside a cop car. It is funny I can still see the drawing; my Dad was twice the size of the car. I think his star was bigger than the headlight." He spoke slowly and deliberately. He felt for her hand on his stomach. "Anyway I bought it home for my Dad. He was at work that weekend and I took it with me to his place. When he got home from work I asked my Step mom where it was and found it in the bin. She'd spilt red wine all over it and had thrown it out. I was so upset."

Kim kissed his shoulder but didn't say anything. "I cried like a baby and she sent me to my room. I spent a lot of time in my room. I guess that's why I hate closing the bedroom door." Kim had often wondered why he always insisted on sleeping with the door open. He usually just shrugged it off as being claustrophobic. Her place was tiny and he'd found a place that was very open plan and there were no doors on the bedroom. Now she knew. "As soon as dinner was done I was sent to my room and the door was always shut. One day I had to spend all day in there because I had knocked over a vase and broken it."

"Adam…"

"It's okay Kim. Really it is." He turned his head towards her. "I guess that explains a lot hey?"

"It does."

"I hated it when I heard that in court, that he'd locked you in your room."

"Please Adam, I really don't want to go there right now. This is not about me. It's about you." Kim held his hand beneath the sheets.

"It's about us. It's about what makes us now. This happened to us and I guess, until I heard that I never really understood why I was the way I was. Why you thought that I was scared about getting married. Growing up wasn't great and I don't want to be like that, I don't want my children to go through what I went through. I don't want them ever to feel unloved or unwanted." He was reaching into his future but it was explaining who he was now. How much his childhood had affected him.

"You are not like that Adam. I don't see that with you. What I do think though is that all you can do as a husband and a parent is take the good things that your family gave you and learn from the bad and promise yourself that you won't make those mistakes. You might make other mistakes though."

"Can I ask you something?"

Kim kissed his shoulder silently urging him to continue.

"If we decide that we are going to do this, and I know we will. Can we not talk about marriage for a while? Maybe a year?"

She was honestly stunned by his question. It wasn't at all what she expected and he started to get nervous the longer she was silent. "I just want us to focus on being together without everyone asking us about getting married. I don't want that pressure."

"Okay." He wasn't convinced by her response.

"It's not that I don't want to marry you. I always have but it didn't go well for us last time and I think if we don't worry about it for a bit that might be good."

"So a year?"

"Yeah and in a year's time we will sit down, rationally and see if it is still what we want." He felt Kim tremble beside him. "I'm sorry Kim."

"Adam, don't be sorry. You're being honest and that's all I wanted, right from the start."

"But it's not what you want to hear."

"It's okay." She didn't know if he could hear the wobble in her voice and she was glad it was dark so he couldn't see the tear that slid down her cheek. She had no idea what to think. This felt like a step back.

Could she take a step back? Can she just forget that they were once planning to get married and now they were just back being an ordinary couple? Was this just him again being unable to commit? Had she been right all along?


	13. Chapter 13 - Walk Like a Man

Adam was standing outside the church greeting people almost like he was on autopilot. Most of them he didn't know, but they knew his Dad and that was good enough for him. They just kept coming and he just kept forcing himself to smile. Uniforms were multiplying by the minute. Cops, Fire fighters and Paramedics, low ranking and high they were all there.

His eyes kept scanning the growing crowd and finally he relaxed when he saw her. Together with the rest of his team and Platt they made their way towards him, every single one of them in Full Dress Uniform. Kim stood back while he accepted their hugs and handshakes. He reached for her hand when it was her turn and pulled her closer. He didn't care who was watching. Kim stood on her toes and kissed him softly and then wiped a stray tear from his cheek. She didn't care either.

"I was worried you weren't going to make it."

"Sorry. It was a crazy morning. We are all here now." She went to move away to let him continue with the queue of mourners behind her but he pulled her to the side. "Stay." So she linked her arm through his and held him as he continued tyring to smile through his pain.

He looked over as the hearse pulled up and let out a long slow shaky breath. Kim squeezed his arm. "I won't be far away." She whispered and slipped in ahead of the procession.

As she joined Intelligence in one of the pews Erin reached for her hand. "He okay?" she asked and Kim nodded just as a funeral attendant tapped her on the shoulder. "Mr Ruzek requested that you sit with him." He whispered and offered her his hand. Kim looked quickly at Erin who urged her to go.

Kim only glanced at him once as he followed his Father's coffin down the aisle; he was flanked by his Aunt and Uncle and his head was bowed. By the slump of his shoulders Kim knew he was barely even aware of anything around him. As they came to a stop he rested one hand on the casket briefly before taking his seat beside Kim. He reached for her hand and rested their entwined hands in her lap and stole a quick look at her. He was relieved that he had someone to hold on to.

They hadn't had another conversation about their relationship since the night his father died. Kim was trying not to let it overwhelm her, the fact he seemed to be going back to square one. Her fears that he wasn't able to commit were feeling real again, just when she had convinced herself that it was all a misunderstanding and miscommunication. What could she expect though? They were sharing a bed, but little else. It was comforting, they were providing comfort and support for each other but they stopped short of anything else. Why would you contemplate anything else, like marriage when you hadn't even figured out if you could actually be together?

As the service wore on he reached into his pocket and pulled out his Eulogy, nervously folding it and refolding it in his hands. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes briefly before making his way to the front of the church. Suddenly all the faces swam in front of him.

"My Dad." He started carefully. "He was a bit of an enigma. Even to me. There were those that hated him…" he paused. "And those that loved him. I'm one of the latter obviously." A slight ripple of laughter echoed through the church. "I probably made it hard for him though. I know lately I haven't been particularly loveable but he didn't give up on me." The piece of paper remained folded in his hands. "He told me once he chose the beat he did so that he could be my father. So he could come home to me everyday. So he did, and would take me to my games and watch me fall on my arse week in week out but he still turned up. He was probably disappointed that I was never going to be the hockey champion he hoped for but that didn't matter to him."

"I remember when I had my first date. I think I was 14 and he offered to drive me to pick her up and take us to the movies. Only problem was he took an extra shift so he turned up in a Patrol car, with his partner. I am not sure if the girl's father was impressed or frightened. Was I a good kid or was I a delinquent? Probably a bit of both and when you are 14 and hoping to get a little bit of action, and by that I mean maybe a kiss or two and maybe some over the sweater action, the back of a Patrol car is not conducive to teenage romance. I don't think I even held her hand. Either way we only had one date." He paused again as the congregation laughed.

"I was proud of him. I was proud of the cop he was and I will never forget the day I told him that I had made it into the Academy and how happy he was. Each week he would call me and make sure I was doing okay, that I was not slacking off and he would drill me on what I had learnt that week. All I wanted to do was be like him. All he wanted was for me to be more successful than him because that showed him that he'd done a good job as a father. I'd like to think he did although I think quite a few people I work with beg to differ some days." He looked over at the Intelligence Unit and even Voight smiled.

"My Dad wasn't perfect. He always said what was on his mind, good bad or indifferent. Often his filter was turned off. I think many people here found that out the hard way. Despite that he was as loyal as dog. He taught me that too. He taught me to be loyal to those you love; sometimes they do things that disappoint you but that doesn't mean you should turn your back on them. Always stop to pick up someone you care about if they fall, always stop to pick someone up if they need it." For a brief moment he felt like he was just talking to Kim. From the corner of his eye he could see staring at her hands.

"He worried about me everyday just as I worried everyday of my childhood and even as an adult that one day he wouldn't come home. A couple of days ago that became a reality, he's not coming home. So now I am left to walk through life without my Dad beside me. He won't get to hold his first grandchild." Somewhere he heard a gasp. "Not that there is any news there, just to let you all know." He added quickly as he smiled a little in Kim's direction "There are a lot of things he won't get to do and there are a lot of things I'll miss sharing with him. But there is one thing that he'll always know is that I love him, and I am who I am because of him. Pops." His eyes glazed over a little as he looked at the casket, draped in the Chicago PD flag with his service hat sitting atop and a single red rose from his garden. His voice hitched in his throat and he choked out his final words. "Thank you for teaching me how to walk like a man."

It would lucky if there was a dry eye in the house. Certainly as he sat back down beside Kim she was crying. He leant on her while he listened to his Uncle talk about their childhood. He watched as his Dad's partner folded the flag before he handed it to him. He passed it to his Aunt before he stood up and took his spot at the front of the casket and took his father's weight on his shoulder one last time.

Kim stood back as Adam's family followed them out of the church. She was flanked by Intelligence as she exited the church and they joined the gathered crowd of Police in forming a guard of honour as the hearse left. Bob's desire was to be cremated privately and Adam stood silently and watched him leave.

Erin linked her arm through Kim's. "He did so well." They were watching Adam talking to some of his father's colleagues and they could tell he was trying hard to be stoic. They had seen that look on his face a lot lately; he had always tried to put on a brave, stoic face when Kim was around especially since she hooked up with Roman. It was a well-rehearsed mask and he had it on today.

"He did. He was so nervous and wrote so many drafts and then I don't think he even looked at it."

Rather than go back to his father's house the wake was being held at Molly's. Thanks to Herrmann, Otis and Gabby they had offered up the bar. They had no idea how many people were going to turn up and at least they didn't have to worry about running out of booze. They had organised some catering and they had made sure that Adam didn't have to worry about a thing.

He asked Kim to come with him in the car. They hadn't really had a moment alone all day and he had only talked to her early that morning before she went to work.

Adam leant into her and kissed her as soon as the door closed. "Thank you." He rested his head on her forehead.

"You did so well. That was perfect. Your Dad would be so proud of you." Kim's hands on his cheeks were comforting. "It was beautiful."

"There were a lot of people there, hey?"

"Yep. Your Dad was pretty popular, like you."

"I know I was asking a lot of you, I know I have asked you for so much in the last few days but I couldn't do it without you. I couldn't imagine being alone right now but please let me know if it gets too much for you."

"Adam. Whatever you need. Whenever you need it. You've been there for me, through so much. Let me repay the favour. Let me pick you up for a change." They way he looked at her she realised that perhaps he didn't really remember what he had said standing up at the front of the Church about picking people up that you care about. "You are not alone. Not anymore."

The crowd was already pretty big and the noise hit them as soon as they opened the door. Adam got lost in the throng as those who hadn't the chance to talk to him at the Church sought him out. Kim made her way through the crowd to where Intelligence were gathered. "How's he doing?" Al slipped an arm over her shoulder and kissed her temple.

"He's okay. He's pretty overwhelmed with how many people are here."

"And you?"

"I'm okay. It's hard watching him go through all this." She smiled sadly. "I'm just trying to be there for him like he was for me."

"You're doing good."

It wasn't until the crowd started to thin out that Adam made his way over to his team and thanked them for coming. He looked a lot more relaxed with them they he had all afternoon. His Aunt came over and whispered in Adam's ear, Kim saw his face darken and he excused himself quickly.

She grabbed Kim by the elbow and told her quietly that his Step Mother was outside. They found Adam on the pavement and the exchange was far from friendly and it was starting to draw a bit of a crowd. His Uncle was trying to get him to come back inside but Kim could see by the wild look in his eyes that he was having none of it.

"Adam." She placed her hand on his arm and he snatched it away roughly making Kim jump a little. "Adam." Kim reached for him again. "Baby come on, come inside."

He paused for a moment and looked at Kim. "Come inside. Please."

"Not until she leaves." He seethed before turning back towards the woman. "Get the fuck out of my life. You made my life hell, you tried to turn my Dad against me so don't come here acting all fucking sorry now."

"I loved your Dad."

"I don't fucking care. I don't want you here; I don't need you here. I don't need you to care about me now, I needed someone to care when I was twelve."

"Adam Baby." Kim tried again when she could see him getting more and more agitated. "Adam, you're scaring me."

Suddenly he stopped, he turned his head and he saw the look of fear on Kim's face and bought him back from the edge. "What?"

"Come on, come with me." She talked softly to him, touching his face gently and could see that she was finally getting through to him. Kim put her arm around his waist and pulled him closer and she led him away although she could feel the agitation and tenseness coursing through him. He didn't want to go back inside just yet and face everyone so they walked down the street in silence. Kim held his hand tightly until he stopped fighting against her.

They found a low fence and Adam sat down heavily, Kim stood between his legs and let him fall against her, burying his head into her stomach as he wept. "Baby, it's okay." Kim cradled his head.

"I'm sorry." He lifted his head and looked at Kim. She wiped the tears from his cheeks with her thumbs.

"I'm sorry if I scared you."

"I wasn't scared of you I was scared for you. I know how much you are hurting."

"I feel like everyone I love either doesn't love me or leaves me." As he spoke she could feel the physical pain he was in, it was seeping out of him. "What's wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you. Look at all those people in there." She pointed back towards the pub. "They are all here for you."

"They are here for my Dad."

"The entire Intelligence Unit is not here for your Dad Adam, they are here for you. Do you think 51 are here for your Dad? They didn't know him; they are here for you. You're high school buddies are here, for you. Half of the 21st are here for you. So many people love you. Don't forget I had your phone the other day, I know how many people want to help you and care about you."

"You left me."

"Oh Sweetheart, please not now. You know that I love you, so much."

Eventually he nodded. "I do." He stood up and wiped his hands over his face. "We should get back." He grabbed her hand. Kim doubted that this conversation was over, but it was for now. He was reeling and she was determined to hang on.

Al pulled her aside when they got back to the Pub. Adam seemed to shake off the incident and tried to get through the rest of the afternoon. "Is he okay?"

"Al, he really needs people to step up for him right now. He's so lost and thinks that people don't love him or are always leaving him. I hate this for him. Can you spend some time with him? He looks up to you like a father."

"You don't even have to ask." He enveloped her in a hug. "We are all in this with him."

"I know that. He doesn't right now though."

Al promised her that they would all catch up with him over the next few days. She was back on Afternoon shift tomorrow for the next couple of days so they hatched a plan to surround him for the next little while just until he got his feet back under him again.

It was late when they finally made it home. Adam had pulled back on the drinking later in the afternoon, much to Kim's surprise. She was fully prepared to be wrangling a very drunk Adam into bed later that night. "Can you stay?" he asked her as they left his Dad's house. Once everything had wrapped up at Molly's they had headed back with his family for dinner.

"If you want me to."

"I know I was a little bit of a dick today. I shouldn't have laid that on you when you were just trying to help."

"I've already forgotten about it."

"I'm sorry." He closed his eyes as she drove. "I am shot to bits."

"You look tired." Kim slipped a hand behind his neck and massaged it lightly. "You did good today."

"Yeah. Can't say I ever want to do it again." He rolled his head to the side so he could look at Kim. She was watching the road and for a moment he just drank her in. She looked tired too and he wanted to make sure when they got home that she got a chance to rest also. Kim had been everything he needed lately. "It was good to see so many people hey?"

"It was."

"Al has invited himself for dinner tomorrow night." Adam chuckled. "He seems to have forgotten about my limited domestic ability."

"Hmmm…" Kim turned the corner into his street. "That's good."

"I feel like a special needs project. Did you have anything to do with that?" A faint hint of a smile played at the corner of his mouth.

"Maybe."

"Well I am not sure if I should feel offended or grateful."

"You should feel loved."


	14. Chapter 14 - You are not neurotic

Kim laughed when Adam finally hauled himself out of bed. "Wow, how does Al look today?" His hair was sticking out at all angles and he was barely wearing his boxer shorts. "Your eyes look like two pee holes in snow." She handed him a glass of water and two Advil's as he staggered out of the bedroom.

"I hope he looks as shit as I feel." He muttered as he lowered himself down on the couch. Even walking from the bedroom to lounge had been a huge effort. His head hurt, his stomach churned disturbingly and he felt like he had slept for about an hour.

She had let herself in and that had woken him up. Adam had given her a key when she was back and forth after his Dad died. Kim offered to give it back to him but he told her to keep it. "So you two had a good night then?"

"Yes, Al looked after your special needs project just fine."

"Well Sweetheart if the cap fits."

"Harsh Burgess, very harsh." He reluctantly accepted the toast that she handed to him. "How was your shift?" He nibbled on the corner of the toast, unsure if it was going to stay down. They had certainly tied one on last night. And if he didn't remember the three empty bottles of red was reminder enough.

"Fairly quiet actually." Kim made a start on cleaning up the kitchen. "I got another new partner."

"And?" He swallowed hard as the toast threatened to make a reappearance. Red wine was not his favourite choice of beverage but Al had insisted. The old man was a creature of habit and loved his Red Wine. Now that Adam's hangover had really kicked in he remembered why he stayed away from the stuff.

"He's married."

"Good." Adam grimaced as Kim dropped something in the kitchen and the sound reverberated through him in his fragile state. "You don't have to do that."

"Well it looks like a bomb went off. Did you actually use every single pan?"

"Al got here early so I hadn't finished cooking and once we started drinking it got a little out of control."

Kim left him to his own devices for a few hours before lunch to go to the gym and run some errands. By the time she got back he was up and dressed and they headed over to his Dad's place to see his Aunt before she left. He was still feeling like utter crap but lying around wasn't helping either.

Adam promised to come up to Minneapolis soon and bring Kim with him. His Aunt had taken a shine to her. He could understand that, he had a particular fondness for her also.

"Have you seen your Mom?" Kim was a little surprised when she hadn't seen Adam's Mom at the funeral at least. She knew that he had spoken to her since his Dad's death but was surprised that he hadn't mentioned seeing her.

They were headed to her place to pick up some clothes. Basically she had moved in with him for a few days or at least was spending most of her time at his place. It was a familiar pattern that they had just fallen back into and now it didn't seem as bad and she almost laughed at how ridiculous it now seemed that she let it get to her.

"No, I guess it would ruin her _'Zen'_ state."

"What does that mean?"

Kim had met her a few times and knew that she was a little alternative but this seemed extreme. Adam was her son, he'd lost his father and while obviously there was no love lost between her and Bob, he was still Adam's father. "She's just back from her month long Hippie fucking Yoga Retreat and being around Dad's family would _'seriously ruin her vibe.'_ And we can't have that."

"She did not seriously say that?"

"Of course she did. It's her way. It's always been about her." Since Adam could remember she would only ever do something so Adam if it didn't interfere with her life. She'd often reminded him that she had sacrificed so much of her life and dreams because she'd had Adam and now it was her turn to have a life. Janet, his mother was a lot younger than Bob and her pregnancy had been a shock. She was nineteen and they'd hastily got married and because Bob was just graduating from the Academy she'd put her plans for college aside and been his mother.

Adam often felt like he was more of a burden to her than a son. "My Mom never really wanted me around, I was a burden and a reminder of the life she never got. Then she went all hippie and I was just an annoyance that she couldn't wait to get rid of."

"I'm glad she had you."

"Good to know." He smiled sadly. The scars of his childhood were deep and Kim regretted that it had take all this angst to get to this point, the point where they could understand each other on the deepest level. She was starting to see what made him tick beneath the surface. If she'd known this earlier perhaps they wouldn't have put each other through the wringer, perhaps things would have been different. It was as much her fault as his. Adam obviously didn't like talking about his childhood and she was happy to just to enjoy the Adam he let her see. "Seriously though, I don't need her shoving her crystals, motivational quotes and calming mantra's down my throat right now."

Kim was now hunting around for a clean pair of work pants. Her place hadn't got much attention lately and she would pretty much throw her clean clothes on the pile on her bed and scramble through them at the last minute. "And you had a go at me about my place?" Adam was lying on the spare corner of the bed watching her starting to panic. "Will I see you later?"

"I don't finish until 1230."

"So come and crawl into my bed. It's neater than this." He nudged a pile of clothes with his foot. "And apparently I am on my own tonight." He had talked to Atwater and they had caught a case. "Work has jumped off so my babysitter cancelled on me."

Kim playfully threw a pair of socks at him. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Kim, I'm fine. I am actually looking forward to it. I haven't had more than a few minutes to myself in days. There is a game on and a couch with my name on it, as long I know you'll be there later."

He felt her come in but after his late night with Al he crashed early. Adam remembered asking her about her night and if she was okay before they both feel asleep.

"What's up?" he asked sleepily as Kim sat up quickly beside him.

"I can't find my shirt."

'What?"

"I obviously got hot and took it off, I can't find it." She had the sheet clutched tightly to her chest as her hand searched franticly for her top.

"Soooo…" he opened one eye. "Are you telling me that you are practically naked? How did I sleep through that?"

"I need my shirt." Kim sounded panicked. Adam leant over to turn on the light. "Don't." she cried clutching the sheet tighter around her.

"Kim. Just breathe." He placed a hand on her arm. "Lie down and breathe."

Kim forced herself to lie back against the pillows but kept the sheet pulled up high around her neck. Adam kept what little distance the bed allowed. "Close your eyes." He whispered. "And just breathe."

Gradually her breathing slowed down and they stayed there in the silence until she was calm again. Adam edged closer and she felt his fingers at the top of the sheet and her breathing started to become more ragged. "Don't think about anything. Keep breathing." His voice was soft and soothing.

His fingers brushed over the newly healed skin of her burn. It was barely even a mark anymore but emotionally she felt like it was red and raw. It was an ugly reminder of an ugly time in her life. A breath hitched in her throat and she tried to focus on the sensation of his hand on her rather than the thought of him touching that painful memory. He moved slowly, he didn't try to push her too far or too fast.

Every night they had spent together so far had been the same. Kim got changed in the dark and always wore a t-shirt to bed hiding that part of her from him. If this was going to work she had to move past it. He constantly told her that he didn't care about the scar and Kim would nod and tell him that she was not ready and he would accept that.

When he felt her relax he kissed her softly before letting his mouth wander down and kiss the spot where his fingers had been laying. "It's okay." His breath was warm against her skin and Kim sank down into the bed and let a sudden calm wash over her.

He inched his way back up and found her lips again. It wasn't long before he pulled away. "We should stop."

'We should." Adam flicked on the light and found her shirt. Handing it to Kim she pulled it on quickly and lay back down beside him. "You are so patient with me and my neurosis."

"You are not neurotic."

"I feel like I am especially about this. I mean I can't pretend that it's not there and that it didn't happen but I'm scared that you will see it and turn away. I am scared that I will see that look in your eyes…" Adam silenced her with a kiss. He tugged on the neck of the shirt and looked at the scar before kissing it also.

"Adam. Please don't."

"Please don't what?"

"It's too soon."

"I know." He rolled away. "I just want you to know that I don't care about that, it's part of you, part of what now makes you who you are. We are going to figure this out one day at a time. Some days you are going to want to rush this and some days you won't. I'm the same. Yesterday I wouldn't have been able to control myself waking up and finding you half naked in my bed, but today this is enough."

"Some days I feel like we are never going to get there."

"We will." Kim rolled into his side and for a while they lay together in absolute silence.

"This whole year thing." Kim broke the silence. It had been comfortable and she felt like it was now or never to tell him how she felt about his suggestion about putting off the wedding talk. "I feel like we are taking a step back."

"We are. We have to take a step back."

"Why?"

"Because just a few months ago you were with someone else. You didn't want to be with me anymore. I rushed into proposing to you because I loved you and couldn't imagine a life without you in it, I still can't."

"Are you scared of marriage or scared of being married to me?"

"I am scared of being like my parents. I want to make sure we can do this because I don't think I could stand having my heart broken again." He rolled onto his back and rested one hand behind his head. "And I don't want to hurt you again."

Kim had one hand tucked under her cheek as she watched him. "So?"

"So, you've got a choice to make. I know what I want, I want to be with you but if you can't wait or think that I am not committed to you then you can walk away now before either of us gets in to deep or gets hurt again." The look on his face was one of determination. He knew, without a doubt what he wanted but what happened next was up to her.

Kim closed her eyes for the briefest of moments and when she opened them Adam was looking at her and his eyes were glistening. "I want this. I want us to be together." She scooted closer and rested her head on his chest. "I need to be with you."


	15. Chapter 15 - Back the Truck Up

Kim looked at the counsellor like she had rocks in her head. That was completely out of left field, her suggestion was crazy. "Why?"

"Kim, I get the feeling that you have been pretty confused and perhaps a little needy when it comes to your love life in the past." Kim folded her arms across her chest defiantly. _Well that was a lovely piece of feedback._ "You tried to get over your previous relationship by jumping into a sexual relationship with your work colleague, which you admitted that even at the time you knew was a bad idea and now you want to jump back into bed with your ex-fiancé to make yourself forget about everything that happened to you."

"When you say it like that it sounds bad." Kim pouted.

"It's not good Kim."

"Adam and I are different. I am not trying to get over Sean by being with Adam. I just realised where I should have been all along."

"That's not a bad thing, to want to have someone in your life but it hasn't served you well lately, relying on being in a relationship or having sex to be happy." She continued carefully. "I think it would do you good to take a break."

"But things are going well with Adam. I can't now go and ask him to do this as well."

"Why not?" she looked up from the notes in her lap. "Remember this is what's best for you, not for him and I am sure he wants what is best for you as well. It will give you some clarity. The pair of you have both been through a lot recently. It just removes one obstacle and sometimes we enjoy that part of the relationship so much that you don't deal with everything else and if you don't deal with them you will eventually be back at square one."

Now, they had certainly had a lot of tough conversations lately but she didn't know even how to start this one. They were having dinner tonight. With his Dad's death and funeral and then going back to work they had decided that a weekly date night would be a good place to start.

"How did you go today?" Adam leant on the doorframe to her bedroom as she finished getting dressed. His eyes roamed over her long lean legs and the tall black heels made them seem like they went on forever, he couldn't wait to feel them wrapped around him again.

"Hmm, it was interesting." She mumbled as she struggled to do up her necklace. Adam stepped into the room and helped her clasp it. His fingers brushed against her neck and sent a bolt of electricity through her. She was mad to think she could even contemplate doing this. She watched him in the mirror as he focussed on the clasp. This was going to be hard because every time she saw him he looked more and more gorgeous. It wasn't just his good looks; it was everything about him. His generous heart, his gentle nature perfectly counterbalanced his fierce loyalty and his sense of humour and fun. She had never laughed as hard as she did with him.

"How so?"

"She had an interesting suggestion."

"Hmm?" He ran a finger along her shoulder blade. Softly and slowly and Kim had to swallow hard to have any chance to get the words out.

"She thinks it would be a good idea if I try and be celibate for a while."

"What?" Adam's jaw dropped, he looked like he had just swallowed an insect. His hand slipped from her shoulder. "Whoa, hang on. Back the truck up."

"I think it makes some sense. I've bounced around from you to…." Kim stopped herself from finishing that statement. Adam hated it when she mentioned his name and he would instantly pull away from her when she did. "Anyway, what do you think?"

"What do I think?" He grabbed his phone from his pocket and googled the word. "Let me see, have you actually looked at what that means, _abstaining from sexual relations_ …"

"I know what it means Adam." She was very well aware of what it meant, it had been smashing around in her head since she'd walked out of the counselling session. "She just thinks that in order for us to work through all the issues we had and with everything that has happened lately that perhaps taking sex out of the equation for a bit might be good. Would you hate it?"

"Would I hate it? Are you seriously asking me that?"

"Yes I am seriously asking you that."

"I've been 'celibate' for months." Adam actually used air quotes "And I gotta say, I don't like it. I have a serious case of DSB going on."

"What's DSB?"

"Well it's starts as a dangerous sperm build up, then it becomes debilitating and right now it's becoming deadly."

Kim couldn't help but laugh. "You are making that up." The smile died on her lips a little when Adam looked at her sharply. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh."

He dramatically threw himself on the bed and whined. "Do you really want to do this?"

"Yes."

"How long?"

"Three months."

"Three months." He felt like he was right back in High School, desperate to get some action with a girlfriend who was suddenly acting as pure as the driven snow. He was not enjoying this conversation… _at all_. "Come on Kim, really? You expect me to wait three months, another three months. You are asking a lot." The pouting was quite adorable and Kim had to work hard not to go over and hug him and kiss him to make him feel better. She had a few hours to get her head around this latest development and she was pretty sure her reactions would have been similar had the roles been reversed.

"I know."

"What about a month?" He bargained, suddenly feeling like he was in the middle of an auction. Probably not the best way to go about it but what they hell, he wasn't going down without a fight.

"Two?"

"And then what happens when the two months is up. Is it like a date circled on the calendar? Do I set an alarm? Do we wake up that morning and just go for it? Or is it as soon as it ticks over midnight? It's hardly romantic or even sexy."

Kim wrinkled her nose trying to hold back on her giggle. He sounded panicked, the whining and volume increasing with each sentence. "So are you saying yes?"

He breathed out very slowly. She certainly hadn't given him much of a choice or time to digest this turn of events and make a rational decision. Could he do it? Did he even want too? What would happen if he said no? He surprised even himself as the words came out. "If it's what you really want and need then of course I'll do it. I'll hate it but I'll do it."

The smile of her face wasn't exactly one of joy but one of relief. Somewhere along the way she had realised that it was probably a good idea. The counsellor's blunt assessment of her behaviour had been confronting but not necessarily untrue.

Despite his agreement he was still up for negotiating the finer details. "Hey does this mean we can't share a bed, because I like that? Does it mean I can't kiss you?"

"I think that's allowed."

"Can I feel you up?" Adam winked at her and it made her laugh. "Can I sort myself out?"

"You can continue to do whatever you need to do to stop things turning deadly." She waved her hand in the direction of his groin.

"Good to know." He jumped up off the bed and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Now let's go to dinner and I will try not to think about how much I really want to have sex with you. While I know we haven't really got there yet now that I know that I can't have it for another two months I suddenly really really want it."

"You're funny."

He followed her out of the bedroom and down the hallway muttering away to himself. "I wonder if I can get a refund on those condoms? Do they expire? I should check the date." Kim rolled her eyes; he wasn't going to make this easy.

"So, I've got the will reading next week." On the way to dinner Adam promised to stop teasing her about her celibacy challenge. "Should be fun."

"Makes it real huh?"

"It's very real, trust me."

He looked down at the hand on his thigh. "Move that hand any higher and I think you might be breaking the rules on day one." Kim snatched it away but he reached out and grabbed it and put it back. "Sorry Baby, if I can't have you at least I can enjoy feeling you touch me sometimes."

"Do you want me to come with you?" She changed the subject back to his father's will.

"No, it's okay. There shouldn't be much to it. Just a formality really."

They enjoyed their dinner. Adam told her a few stories about when he visited his Aunt as a child. Kim had got on well with her while she had been in town and they were definitely planning to head up there soon. Probably not for the next two months now, there was no way he was going away with her and not be able to have her. That would be torture. "I'm surprised she still likes you after all you put her through."

"I am that loveable."

"Yes you are." Kim nodded. "Kinda unforgettable really." Adam winked back at her.

"Do you think this partner will stick?" To date Platt had not settled on a new partner for Kim so she would have someone for a week and then start all over again the next week. Adam wouldn't have been surprised if Platt was doing it deliberately to make sure Kim didn't get too comfortable with anyone. In reality it was probably because she was just wary of anyone new these days and they needed to prove themselves to her that they weren't going to turn out to be some nutter. No one needed to go through that again.

When they got back home Adam propped his feet up on her coffee table while he waited for Kim to join him. He was thinking about whether you could classify this date as a success. Sure they had got on well, they were comfortable and happy and he knew that he loved her, almost to his detriment but he so desperately wanted her completely. He wanted to complete the circle. "Are you going to stay?" Kim handed him a glass of whiskey as a nightcap and dropped down beside him with her own glass.

"Probably not. It's probably not the best idea tonight."

"Are you upset?"

"No."

"You know this is not about not wanting to be with you."

He rolled the glass between his palms, watching the smooth liquid skim around the sides. "I know. I just need time to digest it. I'm not sure I really understand why we need to do this. Actually, it's more that I am trying to understand why you feel you need to do this. I guess I am just collateral damage."

"You know, as well as I do that the sex is great. Better than great but what if that just papers over the cracks? We broke up for a reason." Kim held up her hands when she could see that Adam was about to protest. "Stupid as they were and let's not rehash that nightmare. Now I really want to put that aside and focus on every other part of what being in a relationship is about."

"Having sex is a part of being in a relationship."

"I know it is. Don't you want to know that that's not all we have?"

"Of course I do, but I already know that. Why do you think I agreed to it?"

"I hope you agreed because you think it will be good for us."

He dropped his head back against the back of the couch and exhaled slowly. "Kim, if it is what you need to do then that's what we will do." He rolled his head to the side to look at her. "Will I enjoy it? No. Will it be hard? Yes. Am I going to swing from the rafters with joy? Absolutely not. Am I going to respect you and your decision? Yes."

Kim rested her forehead on his. "Thank you." She moved to kiss him and he welcomed it for just a minute before gently pushing her away.

"Ah, not right now Kim. I'm still coming to terms with my sudden enforced celibacy." His smile was a little painful and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Being close to her right now was not helping but he sensed how much she needed to do this for herself. If it was what she needed to do then he would support her. No matter what had happened and all the drama they had gone through to get to this point, which was a sharp left turn he had to admit, he always wanted to do what was best for her.

He stepped back when she started seeing Roman, as much as it hurt him because if she was happy that's all he wanted. He desperately wanted her to be happy with him but at that point in time she wasn't. It had killed him but it was always Kim that mattered the most.

"What's an extra two months?"

"It's much easier to be a monk when you don't have anyone to share a bed with but when you have this incredibly beautiful and hot woman in your life it's a little harder."

"Imagine how good it's going to be."

"Stop talking please." He begged.

Kim sat back and bit her bottom lip. "Sorry Adam. Look if this is too hard for you I get it. I'm sorry that I am making you do something you don't want to do and if you don't want to hang around I understand. Perhaps you just want to come back in two months time and knock on my door."

"Kim, please stop talking." He groaned. "Don't you get it yet? Don't you get that I would do anything for you? I've tried to get over you, I've tried living without you and I can't. I want you. It's not an option. You need to do this, for yourself because you need to be ready and you need time to get over what you went through. If that's what you need to be with me completely then I'll do it."

"I don't deserve you."

"Probably not." He shrugged and took the last mouthful of his whiskey. "But you're stuck with me anyway."

Atwater slapped him on the back when he slid into the seat beside him at Molly's. "So date night last night. How'd it go?" he winked. "Although spare me the gory details."

Adam rolled his eyes and downed his shot.

"What did you fuck up now?"

"Nothing. I didn't fuck anything up. We are fine. Dinner was great." He forced out between clenched teeth. Still after everything that he had done over the past few months to prove otherwise nobody seemed to think he was capable of not being a complete dick.

Atwater laughed. "Sounds like it."

"Well I suddenly find my self in some kind of weird celibacy challenge."

"A what?"

"Celibacy…. You know the act of not having sexual relations. Funnily I've been celibate for months because I couldn't move on and now I have her back she suddenly decides, thanks to her counsellor that she needs to not have sex for three months. I've talked her down to two."

"Wow." The look on Atwater's face may have been similar to his the previous night, although he seemed to find it slightly more amusing than Ruzek was.

He grabbed the shot that Atwater just ordered and slammed it down. "Yep. Fucking awesome."

"Why'd you agree to that?"

"Because I love her man."

Atwater shook his head and laughed. "You have balls of steel man."

"Yep and that's exactly what they feel like. Not sure it's a good thing though." A painful smile played at Ruzek's lips. "Don't tell Burgess I told you, she'll be pissed at me. Although that might make things easier."

"How the hell are you going to do it?" Atwater was enjoying this a little too much.

"I like a challenge." He shrugged with a wry smile. "And lots of cold showers." He paused and took another mouthful of beer. "..and alcohol. I am going to need a lot of booze. Let's just hope Chicago goes fucking nuts for the next two months and we don't have time to scratch ourselves. And man am I gonna be ripped." He flexed his arm to make his point.

"Gotta hand it to you brother, I hope that I love a woman as much as you love yours one day." Atwater tipped his glass at Ruzek.


	16. Chapter 16 - And now this

"Officer Burgess." Platt sounded so official and it made Burgess stop dead in her tracks. It had been a long shift, they were cold and wet and all she wanted to do was get out of her wet uniform, have a hot shower and go home. Polyester did not do well in the rain. Coupled with the bitter cold, the rain had started the moment they had stepped out of the station and they had chased idiots all afternoon.

"Yes." She rolled her eyes, almost expecting to be sent out on some other useless errand. Her new partner, James Logan took one look at Platt who dismissed him with a quick flick of her head and he disappeared as fast as he could. He had been here almost a month now and learnt pretty damn fast when it was best to avoid the snarky desk Sergeant.

"A word." Platt pointed to the vacant office. Reluctantly Burgess followed her. Her mind was a little frantic as she tried to think of what she had done lately that could possibly put Platt in this type of mood. Nothing came to mind.

Kim hopped from foot to foot trying to warm herself up. "Is there a problem Sarge?"

"I had a visitor today. Sean Roman's Aunt."

"Oh." That hadn't even crossed her mind. They had successfully put him firmly in the past and for the most part that's where he stayed.

"He's in Chicago Med. He's been assaulted in Prison and in pretty bad shape. His Aunt gave me this." She pulled a letter from her pocket and held it out for Burgess to take. Kim stared at the letter in her hands and shook her head. She shoved her own hands in her jacket pockets. "I don't want it."

"I completely understand."

"What does it say?"

"I don't know." Platt put in on the desk. "Read it or don't. Doesn't matter either way to me."

Kim turned on her heel and left it sitting on the desk. Platt picked up the letter and put it back in her pocket. At some point she might come back for it.

Why now? Why fucking now? Kim ripped off her vest and threw it in the bottom of her locker. Finally she was back on an even keel with a new partner. They seemed to be settling in well and developing a good grove. Platt had finally stopped rotating her partners when she was happy with her choice. Adam was getting on top of things after his father's death and they were happy growing closer together. The celibacy wasn't easy and Adam tried to hide his frustration, unsuccessfully at times. It wasn't all beer and skittles for her either because he was trying so hard and respecting her choices and that made it all the more difficult.

And now this…Sean Roman was fucking with them again.

"Hey Kim." Adam caught sight of her as he was passing the locker room. They had a big case going on at the moment and he hadn't really seen her for a few days so he doubled back and slipped in quickly. "You look….wet." he cocked his head to the side but his smile faded as he sensed her mood. "…And pissed."

"I am wet and cold." She forced herself to smile. While all this was spinning in her head she didn't want to talk to him about it just yet and he didn't need to be distracted right now. "How are you? Still chasing tail?"

"Unfortunately yes. I am not sure what time I'll get out of here tonight. Sorry." He leant in for a quick kiss. "Hey, you sure you're okay?"

"Yep." She squeezed his arm lightly. "Get back to work before they miss you and be careful. I'll talk to you soon."

Kim changed quickly and on her way past Platt's desk she held out her hand silently and Platt handed her the letter. She shoved it in her bag without a word. She had no idea if she was going to read it or not, that decision was a long way off. She needed to get her own head around it and then talk to Adam about it. The weight of the letter suddenly made the bag she was carrying feel like it was full of bricks.

By the time she got home she had worked herself up into a right state so she called her sister. "Throw it out." Amanda answered without a moment's hesitation. "Why do you care what it says?"

"I don't." Kim started "I don't know. It's all so fucked up."

"What did Adam say?"

"I haven't told him yet."

Amanda groaned loudly. This is what got them into the situation in the first place, her inability to talk to him. She thought they were past all this. Kim had assured her that they were good. "Kim, let's not do this again."

"No, I will tell him as soon as I see him. They are in the middle of a big case at the moment and I only saw him for a few seconds I am not going to dump it on him right now. As soon as he gets home I promise I will tell him." They had learnt from the lessons of the past, she talked to him…constantly. She smiled to herself recalling how he had pulled her up on it recently. "Burgess you don't need to tell me every single time you are feeling crappy. I know when you are closed for maintenance." as he liked to call it when she had her period "I can tell. I'm a guy and there is such a thing as too much information."

"What are you going to do until then?"

"I am going to the gym for starters." Kim was already lacing up her trainers. "And then I think I am going to meet Sylvie and Maggie at Molly's for a drink."

"Good plan." Amanda agreed. "and if you do want to read it and Adam's not around. Let me know."

It played on her mind all evening. Not even the gym, which usually allowed her to tune out, did the trick. Sylvie and Maggie both picked up on her mood but she wanted to talk about it with Adam first. She owed him that. They were in this together and he had been there for her through all her ups and downs, and there had been more than a few. Lately they had hit clear water.

Kim had moved into a new apartment just after Adam's father passed away and he would occasionally spend his nights there, usually after a long hard case. So far they had managed to continue to share a bed without the need for sex. Well, there was a need for sex, a desperate need. It was just this 'fucking celibacy challenge' as Adam called it when he was particularly frustrated.

Kim was surprised to see him when she got home from Molly's. "Hi.".

He hadn't let her know he was finishing up for the night and hadn't really been expecting to see him until much later, if at all.

"Hey." He dropped the remote on the table and jumped up to greet her. She knew that something was bothering him the instant he pulled away quickly from her hug.

"You know don't you?" she didn't even bother to try small talk.

"I know that he is in hospital." Voight had called him into his office, which was the scene of very little good news. He had told him that Roman had been assaulted in prison, pretty badly. Adam couldn't deny that he felt some satisfaction in hearing the news. "Can't say I am upset about it."

"That's all I know too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier but you were busy and I didn't want to distract you. We only had a minute."

"I don't care about that Kim. I want to know that you are okay?" he grabbed her shoulders and held her at arms length so he could see her face. "Are you okay?"

"I really don't know. I have tried not to think about it…" she reached into her bag which was still sitting on the chair where she had left it when she came home. "…or this." She handed him the letter.

"What is it?"

"His Aunt dropped it off at the District for me. I don't know what it says. I haven't read it. Initially I told Platt I didn't want it."

"Do you want to read it?"

"No." Kim had made her decision. "I want you to though."

"Why?" Adam was trying not to let himself get carried away. His anger towards Sean Roman was still very real and very volatile. Occasionally Kim had seen it bubbling away under the surface. It would be when a memory came back or he asked about something and she baulked. Sometimes she flinched when he touched her suddenly and he hated it. He hated that Roman had made her like that and the anger would come rushing up inside him.

"Because I know you are stronger than me and I know you will tell me what I need to know and if I don't need to know anything you won't tell me and I'll be okay with that."

"Kim that makes no sense. You either need to read it yourself or I burn it."

A suddenly flicker of pain flitted across her face. "Burn it?" She barely got the words out. Shrugging her shoulders so that he loosened his grip she stepped away from him. Apart from the fact that she had suffered from that burn on her chest she had also eventually told him about the night he had made her sit and watch as he burned every single memory she had kept from Adam.

"Yes, burn it. He burnt things that obviously meant a lot to you, although at the time that was debatable so why not give him the same courtesy." Adam was surprised he was so blunt about it and by the look on Kim's face so was she.

Kim threw her hands in the air and stormed into the kitchen. "Thanks for that." She yanked open the fridge door. "Do you want dinner?"

"Sure." He grabbed his bag. "I'm going to grab a shower. Is that okay?"

"Whatever Adam." She slammed the oven door shut as she put the lasagne in the oven to heat up.

When he returned he had calmed down a little, they both had. "What are you going to do?" He nodded at the letter still sitting on the table as Kim handed him a beer. He leant against the kitchen counter as she made a salad to go with the lasagne.

"I don't know. Do you think I should read it? Seriously Adam, I want to know what you think." She came and stood in front of him and rested one arm on his waist.

"I am comfortable with whatever you choose."

She pushed him lightly. "That doesn't help me."

"What do you want me to say? If I say don't read it you will never know what it says and at some point you may regret it and blame me. And if I say read it and it's not what you want to hear then we are right back at square one."

"I just want your opinion. Whatever I decide will be my decision alone. Either way your support would be appreciated."

"I support you." It was the best he could do. He didn't want her to read it; he didn't want her to be dragged back in by Roman. He hated the guy, like nothing else on earth and the thought of him being in her head again pissed him off. Even now, he was fucking with her mind and all with a fucking letter in an envelope sitting on her dining table.

"But?" she knew there was a but.

"But…. I don't want you to read it. I don't want you to have anything to do with him. Ever again. He's been fucking with your mind for months, he's still doing it." He tapped his temple angrily.

"You know that was the first thing I thought when Platt told me about the letter. That he was screwing with me again, with both of us. Why now?" She returned to preparing the salad while Adam grabbed some plates and cutlery.

He moved the letter off the table while they ate and it wasn't until later that night as Adam was laying with his head in Kim's lap did they talk about it again and only briefly. "Can you stay tonight? I know I am going to think about that letter all night but having you here gives me something else to focus on."

"What? Like the fact that we are in bed together and not having sex?" He didn't even open his eyes. "That certainly does take most of my focus, energy and willpower to stop myself jumping your bones."

"It's not easy for me either. The fact that you insist on sleeping in just your boxers does not help."

"Nowhere in the rules of this little experiment did you tell me that I needed to keep all my clothes on." Adam smiled sweetly. "I saw you sneaking a peak at me in the shower while you were cleaning your teeth the other morning. Don't think I didn't notice."

"Nowhere in the rules did I say I couldn't look."

"Fair point." Adam sat up and turned to face Kim. "So, what are you going to do?"

"I haven't decided but when I do you will be the first to know."

It was over breakfast the next morning that Kim told him of her decision. "I am going to read the letter."

"Okay." He had hoped for a different outcome. It confused him a little. Was she hoping for an apology? An explanation? Was he asking for forgiveness? That he didn't deserve, he didn't deserve anything but it was not his decision and as much as it pissed him off he needed to push it aside and support Kim. He couldn't let her down now.

Adam was in the shower when she read it. She sat on the edge of the bed and nervously pulled the letter from its envelope.

 _Dear Kim,_

 _I don't know how to even start this._

 _I was there, in court that day and I heard what my nephew did to you and my world shattered. I was so ashamed. I wanted to talk to you so many times and apologise even though I know it wasn't me that you needed an apology from._

 _However, I do want to thank you for being so brave, for having the courage to stand up to Sean and say that what he did wasn't right. To stand up for all those women who didn't have the chance to stand up for themselves._

 _I don't know why he did it. I know his mother would be devastated to know that her son was capable of something so terrible. I am glad my sister isn't around to see it; it would break her heart._

 _I went and asked him why, and I got nothing. He did tell me that he regretted that you were hurt and that you didn't deserve it but he couldn't tell me why. I don't know if you want to know why he did it, I don't know if that would make it better or worse for you._

 _Finally, if you are still reading this. I really hope that you are able to move on with your life and wish you every joy and happiness in the world._

 _Take care, Anthea Davis._

She had scrawled on the bottom of the letter. _'He's in Chicago Med, he wants to see you.'_

Kim left it on the bed and walked out of the room. Adam saw it when he came out. He picked it up and read it. He knew that Kim didn't want to keep it from him, she wanted him to know what it said; she wasn't about to keep anything from him. When he was done he walked out of the room and pulled her straight into his arms. Up until them she hadn't let herself cry but as soon as Adam held her that resolve crumbled.

"It wasn't what you were expecting hey?"

"No."


	17. Chapter 17 - You owe him nothing

Kim stood outside the room and drew a few long slow breaths. Her hands were shaking and she slipped them into the pockets of her jacket to hide her nerves. She spoke to the Guard outside the door briefly before pushing open the door and stepping quietly inside.

The sight of Sean Roman lying in bed bought back so many memories. She remembered when he was shot, when she still thought he deserved her support. She shook her head trying to focus. That was history.

"You wanted to see me." His eyes opened slowly as he turned his head towards the voice, he didn't expect to see her ever again and for a brief moment he thought it was a dream. He had certainly taken quite a beating. His face was swollen and bruised but she hadn't bothered to find out what his injuries were because she didn't care.

Adam had been furious when she told him that she was going to see him and she couldn't really blame him, he was just trying to protect her. Eventually he had calmed down but it had taken a while and a lot of harsh words had been spoken. They were navigating this new relationship as best they could but it wasn't smooth sailing. Not by a long shot. "Why the fuck do you want to see him? Do you still have feelings for him?"

"No Adam, god No." she had reached out to placate him with a hand on his arm and he had snatched it away. He was pacing around her apartment and she could clearly see his agitation. "That has nothing to do with it. Perhaps I need to do it for me. I want him to know that he hasn't broken me, that he didn't win. That I am stronger than he thought I was."

"Maybe by not going to see him that will tell him everything he needs to know. You don't owe him the courtesy of knowing anything about you. Not anymore. He gave up that right when he abused you." He flung his arms wide and his fists were balled tightly in anger.

He left before they had settled it and it was probably childish on his part but Adam didn't want to say something that he regretted. Adam sent her a text message a few hours later, once he had put some distance between them and started thinking more rationally. ' _I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't agree with what you are doing but if you decide to go see him please be careful and let me know if you need me.'_

"Kim?" He couldn't believe she had actually come. "You can come in. I won't hurt you."

She didn't move. She was more than happy staying by the door because she wasn't planning on being here long. "Your Aunt said you wanted to see me. Here I am?"

"I want to know you are okay."

"Is that it?" she asked flatly, her voice was devoid of any emotion before she turned to leave. She wasn't even going to give him that, she wasn't about to tell him that she was fine, she wasn't about to tell him anything.

"Don't go. I'm sorry I hurt you. You didn't deserve that." Kim rested her hand on the door. "Kim." He called out weakly. She paused before turning back to face him one last time but Kim stared straight ahead and refused to look at him or even speak.

"Are you back with Ruzek?" He had no idea why he asked that. He thought that the irrational jealousy that had driven him to do the things that he did would have subsided but it hadn't. Kim suddenly knew that this wasn't about her, it never was. It was about Adam. That realisation hit her like a tonne of bricks.

Kim turned and left. She had nothing to say to him, nothing at all. She felt nothing standing in that room. It felt like she was watching the movie of someone else's life and Adam was right, she owed him nothing.

She walked out of the hospital without a looking back, even when she heard him call her name again. As she now wandered along the Riverbank everything crashed around in her head. She shouldn't have gone but then again perhaps she would have always regretted it. Either way she was in a no win situation and eventually decided what to do what she thought was best for her. But it wasn't and now it seemed liked everything happened days ago, not months and it had thrown her right back in the middle of it all.

Erin pulled up the stool and waited for Jay to bring them their drinks. She waved at Ruzek as he came through the door. Jay saw him and nodded before ordering another beer.

"Where's Kim tonight?" Jay bought the drinks back.

"Working." He barked as he almost snatched his beer from the tray.

Erin cocked one eye at Jay and nodded for him to continue. "You okay Bro?"

"Yep." He rolled his eyes. "Hey can we please talk about anything other than how fucked up everything in my life is right now?" It was everything with Kim and his father all coming one after the other and he was done talking, analysing and mulling over every single thing. Nothing was easy lately and today he'd had enough and figured a few beers, well perhaps more than a few would help.

"Sure." But that was easier said than done. It took a while to drag him out of his headspace. He hadn't been like this for a while. Lately he'd been pretty well back to normal but now he was back to acting like he did when he first broke up with Kim, he was miserable and angry. It helped him be a good cop, but made him a lousy drinking companion.

When Jay wandered off to talk to his brother, who was sitting at the other end of the bar with some people from Med that they didn't know Erin dived in. "So spill."

"What?"

"What's eating you? You've been like a bear with a sore head all day."

"Kim went and saw him today." He took a long slow mouthful of beer before setting it down on the table and shaking his head sadly. He was trying to shake it off; this wasn't helping.

"Oh." Erin rested a hand on his. "And you are not okay with that?"

'Why the fuck would I be okay with it?"

"Did you ask her why?"

"Of course I did and I also told her that I didn't want her to go but she was always going to do it." He shrugged and picked up the shot glass that had appeared and knocked it back. "Why should what I think matter?"

"I am sure it matters. What happened? Have you talked to her since?"

"Briefly." He turned in his seat so his back was leaning against the wall. "She was pretty shaken up but we didn't really have time to talk. She had to go on shift."

"It must have been hard for her, seeing him again." Ruzek didn't answer. "It must have been rough on you too."

"I feel like I'm in a pinball machine, I seem to bounce from one fucking drama to another."

"But things are going well with Kim aren't they. Apart from this you've been good lately."

"Yep, sure things are great." He took a mouthful of beer hoping that it would stop him spewing out all his frustrations. "She's been great, with everything that happened with my Pop she was great."

"You know she did it because she loves you."

"I know. I just don't want her to get hurt again. Is that so bad? And I hate him so much and just when things are getting better he comes between us again. I don't want to go back to the start. He's fucked with us for long enough."

As Jay headed back Erin agreed to drop it and talk about something else. He reached for his phone as it buzzed in his pocket and frowned at the unknown number and contemplated not answering it.

"Is she okay?" His voice was suddenly urgent. It was Kim's partner, James. Erin and Jay held their breath and tried to follow the conversation.

"She's not good. Physically she's fine but we got called out to a DV and she kinda lost it." He looked over at his partner who was sitting in the Patrol car in an almost catatonic state. They had informed him of her history when they were paired up and Platt had finally settled on him because she felt he was smart enough to handle it.

"Where are you?"

"Still at the scene, Kim's in the car but she's completely zoned out. I don't want to take her back to the District that'll get everyone talking."

Ruzek leapt from his stool and headed for the door. Erin and Jay took off after him. "Can you take her to my place. I'll text you my address."

Erin grabbed his arm. "Adam, What is it?"

"It's Kim. They had a DV call and she's not good." His hands were shaking as he tried to type his address into a message and Jay offered to drive as he was a little to buzzed to drive, legally and Erin followed behind. "Logan's going to take her back to my place."

They were already parked outside when they pulled up and Ruzek was out of the car before it even stopped. He thanked Logan for calling him as Logan stepped away towards the others. "What happened?" Erin asked.

"We got the call and it was fine until the victim refused to make a complaint. Burgess went on a rant about how it was women like her that were the problem. There were a couple of kids in the house and Burgess called in DCFS and the woman lost it and ended up taking a swing at Burgess. By the time I pulled them apart Burgess just took off and sat in the car and that was it."

"Did she say anything?" Jay asked as he was watching Ruzek try and talk to her.

"No, I knew she was in a bad mood earlier. She's been pretty quiet all shift. Didn't expect this though."

"Kim." Adam opened her door and crouched down beside the car. "Baby."

She turned her head slowly and looked a little confused. "Adam?" How did he get here? Where was she? Nothing made sense.

"Come on. Let's get you out of here." He leant across and undid her seat belt and held onto her hands as he helped her out. Erin came over and slipped one arm around her waist.

"Can you take her up? I want to talk to Logan for a minute." He wanted to know what had gone on and thank him for calling him. Jay took his keys and Kim didn't even seem to notice.

"Logan." Adam shook Logan's hand. "Thank for calling me. I really appreciate it."

"Is she okay? I'm a little surprised she flipped out so badly." He explained the episode to Ruzek like he already told Halstead and Lindsay. They had suggested that he not report it just yet and they would see how it played out in the morning. He agreed to call in that he had taken Burgess home because she was ill.

"She went to see her ex today. The prick that abused her."

"Oh."

"Hey, look thanks again. I'll buy you a beer sometime." He shook his hand again.

"Deal, and I hope Kim's okay. Can you let me know?"

Erin had her sitting on the couch and she had helped her take off her vest and belt. Erin jumped up when Adam came in and let him sit beside her. He grabbed her hands softly and rubbed his thumbs across her knuckles. "Kim." She was looking at his hands holding hers.

Jay and Erin indicated that they were going to take off and they left quietly. The sound of the door closing seemed to jolt Kim out of her trance. "Adam." She still had that confused look on her face.

"Baby, what happened today?"

She shook her head. "I should have listened to you."

"What happened? What did he say?"

"He wanted to know if I was okay and that he didn't mean to hurt me." She finally looked up at Adam and he didn't like the pain he saw in her eyes. It had been a long time since he'd seen that, not since he first found out that she'd been abused, that was the last time he had seen such devastation in her eyes and he hated it. "He asked me if I was back with you."

"And?"

"I walked out." Kim looked around and felt a flutter of panic. She still had no idea how she got here, how Adam got here. "I felt nothing for him. Shouldn't I hate him or something?"

"No, if you hate him that means you have some strong feelings for him. I am much happier that you feel nothing."

"You hate him." Kim leant back against Adam's chest. The feeling of his arms was comforting. He was strong, he was always had been. Going back to see Roman had made her remember things that she never wanted to think about again. She had gone back to comparing them. When Adam picked her up, even that first time he showed up at her place she felt safe, like he would never drop her and he never did. She never felt like that with Roman, even when his arms were around her, he never gave her the feeling of safety and security that Adam had always provided.

"I do."

"Did Logan tell you what happened?"

"He did. He's informed the District that he's taken you home because you are sick. We'll sort that out tomorrow." He heard his cell phone beep in his pocket and chose to ignore it.

"Do you want to get that?"

"Not right now. It's probably just Lindsay or Halstead checking in."

"Answer them. They'll be worried."

Adam pulled out his phone and sent Lindsay a message that Kim was okay. Adam jumped up and made her a cup of tea when she asked for one. She took a shower while he was busy in the kitchen. Bringing it through to the bedroom he waited on the bed while she got dressed. Kim sat cross-legged, pulling a pillow into her lap and rested her elbows on her knees as Adam lay across the end and rested a hand on her foot.

"I think I realised that it wasn't about me at all. The reason Roman got in my head, he didn't want me for me. He wanted me so that you couldn't have me. I put you through so much because of it."

"What makes you say that? Surely there was more to it than that? He was your partner for a while before things turned to shit, he always seemed like he was just a good friend and partner at the start."

"I don't know. It was the way he asked about you and it kinda all just made sense. I could sense his jealousy. It was out of the blue but all along he talked you down, every chance he had. He was always in my head about what you had done wrong, how Intelligence were all up themselves. I asked him once what had gone on between you two and he said nothing. I don't understand and I don't know why he hates you."

"Doesn't matter now."

"It doesn't make you angry?"

"Sure it does, it did." He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. He hooked one arm behind his head while the other still was softly stroking her foot. "But I am here with you exactly where I want to be." He turned his head to look at her. "Do I wish things were different? Sure but they aren't. Do I want to waste another minute of time on him? No."

Kim crawled over and sat astride him. "I'm sorry I didn't take your advice."

"It's okay. You did what you had to do."

"He didn't beat me. And knowing that makes me feel good." Kim kissed him softly and slowly.

He let her continue for a few minutes before he lifted her up and away from him. "Okay, that was nice but we still need to talk about what happened tonight. You are not avoiding talking about it by trying to seduce me."

Kim returned to her cross-legged position and sighed. "What did Logan say?"

"You went to a DV call and the victim didn't want to press charges and you flipped out. Threatened to take her kids away, the woman took a swing at you." Kim pressed her hands to her face, covering her eyes and shaking her head. Adam gently pulled them away. "What happened?"

"I don't know. It just got to me. I was angry with her because she was willing to put up with it and then I was angry with myself because I was no better. Men keep getting away with it because they make us feel weak and useless. I owe her an apology. Is Logan okay?"

"He is. He seems like a good guy. I owe him a beer." Adam sat up and scooted closer to her and tucked her hair behind her ear. "And you are not weak and useless. You were scared, as was this woman. It took you a while to figure out how to get out of it. You know you didn't let the burn heal because you wanted help. You weren't weak; you were smart. You found a way. You can help her and others like her but it might take time for you to be able to do that. You've such a big heart and I can see you handling this so much better next time. You know if this happened next week I think you would have reacted differently but seeing him today didn't get your head in the right space to start with."

"I really should listen to you more."

"I had no right to tell you what to do."

"I asked you for your opinion and I did care about what you thought." They wandered out of the bedroom and Kim made Adam a coffee. "It all made sense to me, you know." She handed him his coffee and curled up in the corner of the couch. "I was going to walk in there and show him that I didn't care about him, that he couldn't touch me anymore, that he didn't beat me. And for the most part that was true. I think while I was there that was definitely how it went down. Obviously once I left that's when it all started to crumble."

Adam grabbed her feet and rested them in his lap and with one hand he started rubbing her calves. "Going to work was dumb. I knew I was not in the right head space and it wasn't fair to Logan."

"He's okay, he's just worried about you."

"Don't get freaked out by that."

"I'm not. The difference there is he called me to let me know you weren't good. Guess what that other prick would have done?" Adam steadfastly refused to say his name. "He would have got in your head and screwed with you some more, although that all started off differently."

"Adam. It's not the same."

"I know." He held up his hand to stop her. "I know, but it might take me a little bit of time to get used to it. Forgive me if I freak out occasionally."

"This is hard isn't it?"

"It's not easy, that's for sure." Adam leant in towards her slightly. "Nothing good in life is. I think we've learnt that lesson."

"You know it's made me realise one thing, this whole damn saga." Kim looked at her hands before meeting Adam's steady gaze. "I now know what true love really is, I know what it feels like to be loved completely. I know where my heart lies." She could see a faint glistening of tears in Adam's eyes. He looked away quickly.

"Were you jealous of Roman, for working with me?"

"No, I just expected him to have your back and he seemed to and I trusted you implicitly. We've been over this." He was pissed because he knew that his was exactly what he expected to happen if she saw him again, that they would have to go over it all again. "I had to trust him but when we split up and I saw you two together and all cosy, yes I was jealous and I was angry. Up until then I actually thought he was a pretty stand up guy. How quickly he moved in on you though showed his true colours. I would never go after a buddy's ex, _ever_ and certainly not a hot second after they split up."

"So if the shoe was on the other foot and I had split up with Roman and hooked up with you that would be okay, knowing what we know about how we feel about each other?" Kim chewed on her bottom lip.

"Would I have hit on you?"

Kim nodded and he looked thoughtful for a minute. "No."

"Really?" She wasn't sure if she believed him. "You would have let this undeniable chemistry we have go to waste?"

"Chemistry is an initial reaction, what we have now is built up over time. We built it up over months of being together. If you had been engaged to a mate it never would have had the chance to build because you would have been off limits. I'm not a rat. I think what he did was a dog act." The longer he spoke the more his hand started to twitch. He wasn't liking this conversation at all. He didn't know where it was going; he didn't want to know. "Stop trying to justify jumping into bed with Roman. Stop trying to justify his behaviour."

"I'm not. I've already explained what happened. I made the first move."

"You may have made the first move but only after he showed up at the theatre, after he screwed with your mind, after he spent months sowing seeds of doubts. If he had any morals at all he would have stayed away. It was a dog act, don't try and make me out to be the bad guy. I didn't push you into his arms. You went there yourself."

She pulled her legs from his lap angrily. "Look I'm tired. Are you staying?"

"Hey." He tugged on her hand as she went to stand up. "I love you, you know."

"Hmmm." She pulled her hand away and Adam sighed and let her go. He gave her half an hour before he came to bed.

"Today was rough." She whispered as he slipped his arm over her waist.

"I know baby."

"Thank you for being here. I love you so much Adam sometimes it still hurts to think about what happened between us. I feel guilty and I want to blame everyone else but it's my fault."

"Shh baby." Nuzzling her neck he spoke softly. "We took a few wrong turns but we are back on the right road now. That's all I care about."

Kim tossed and turned half the night and Adam had no idea what the time was when it woke him up. "What's wrong Burgess?"

She rolled over to face him; although the room was dark the weak light coming from through the open bedroom door enabled her to just make out the outline of his face. "I'm worried that I've let him come between us again."

He hadn't even opened his eyes as he added very matter of factly. "You need to make a choice Kim. Either let it come between us again or put it behind you. Forget about him. That's what I plan to do. It's your choice."

Without hesitation she felt for his face, running her fingers over his lips and followed it with a kiss. "I choose you."

"Good choice. Now sleep please."


	18. Chapter 18 - Oh, The Things I Would Do

"You might want to rug up a little more. It's not exactly warm out." Adam looked sideways at Kim as she hunted around for the other shoe to go with the one black heel she was currently holding, although he was appreciating the view, perhaps a little too much. She was on her hands and knees ferretting around in the bottom of her closet and he wasn't disappointed with the current angle presented.

"We'll be inside." Came her muffled reply. Adam's fingers twitched a little and he started drumming them against his leg in frustration. He wanted to run his hands up and down those legs, preferably when they were naked and wrapped around him. He felt his pulse quicken and took a deep breath to steady himself.

"It's an Ice Rink."

"Pfft. It's never cold with all those people and anyway we are going to Molly's afterwards and I want to look good…" she finally re-appeared clutching the other shoe triumphantly. "…for you."

"You always look good to me." He winked as his eyes roamed up and down her body and he didn't hide it, he let her see the lust in his eyes. Kim felt the first tingle of a blush creeping up on her. Adam had always been able to make her tremble with a look, he could make her lose all control with a kiss and he could make her mind go blank when he…., she shook her head. _Stop it_ , she chastised herself silently. His eyes were hypnotic and he knew it and tearing herself away had always been hard. Right now she had to keep telling herself not to fall under his spell. "The less you wear the better."

What he pleased him the most at the moment was how happy she seemed, how normal she was. That night, when he told her to make a choice and she had done so without hesitation something had changed in her. It was like seeing Roman again and the subsequent fallout had been the straw that broke the camels back. She didn't regress like he feared she would, she didn't go back into her shell and let it all fester again and she pulled him closer. In the space of a week they had gone from strength to strength, he could feel it and unfortunately they had also gone from being mildly irritated about the celibacy thing to outright frustration.

Right now she was excited to be going to a hockey game with Halstead and Lindsay followed by drinks at Molly's. She'd actually bounced up and down when he mentioned it which had made him happy, happier than he had been in months. "I really wish you'd reconsider. I am not giving you my coat when you get cold."

"Yes you will, you know it." She smiled sweetly and he knew she was right. "Otherwise I will have to cuddle up to you to warm me up I know how much you hate that lately. It gets you all hot and bothered when I cuddled up to you, doesn't it Baby?" She sat on his lap as she put her shoes on and Adam dug his fingers into her hips as she bent forward.

"Need I remind you that this 'no sex' thing is entirely your doing?" Adam waggled a finger at her when she suddenly stood up and checked herself one last time in the mirror. They had finally fallen into a good space.

"Are you surprised we've made it this far? I mean we only have a week to go."

"Stop building it up to be bigger than Christmas. I think you might be disappointed. It might be just as successful as when I lost my virginity…." Adam cringed at the memory. "….and I can tell you that was literally over before it began."

Kim threw her head back and laughed. "Oh poor baby…..Wham bang thank you Mam."

"You laugh now. DSB is an unknown beast, it could go off with a bang or drag on for hours because it's forgotten what to do."

"Not sure what I'd prefer to be honest." Kim sauntered past him and he groaned as he followed her out of the bedroom. Just before they headed out the door he slipped his hands into the back pockets of her tight jeans and pulled her flush against his body.

"Oh the things I would do." Kim knees almost gave way as he whispered in her ear. As his hot breath tickled the skin behind her ear and she felt a surge of heat rise within her and he stepped back suddenly, grabbed her hand and pulled her out the door before things got further out of control.

By the time they got to Molly's Kim had enjoyed a few beers and was probably the closest to normal they had seen her for quite a while. "Burgess seems pretty happy tonight." Halstead nudged him as they stood at the bar waiting their drinks. The place wasn't as full as it usually was, perhaps because it was cold out and that tended to keep people away. The Hawks losing didn't usually get the crowd going either.

Adam peered over his shoulder and could she Kim laughing heartily at something Erin had said. "That she does."

"It's good to see."

At one stage she came and perched herself between Adam's legs as she talked to Lindsay across the table. Every time she moved or laughed she ground her hips into him a little more and he had to grit his teeth and tried to focus on the conversation rather than the tension that was building within him.

He groaned when Lindsay disappeared to the bathroom. "What's wrong?" Kim turned her head slightly.

"You. Do you know how fucking hard you are making this?" Kim jumped away from him but he could see a twinkle in her eye and knew she wasn't done and he braced himself. She leant one hand on this thigh; on his upper thigh and brushed against him and laughed as he jumped a little. "Yes, that too." He rolled his eyes.

"I am sorry Baby." She cooed leaning in close, well and truly loosened by the beers.

"No you're not."

Kim put both hands on his thighs and leant a little closer so he could see down her top. Her breathing was a little laboured; it felt hot and heavy against his cheek. She sounded needy and it wasn't helping him stay in control. The beers were making her lose her inhibitions and he had to make sure they stayed on course. He wasn't about to give into her now. "We could leave."

He placed his hands on hers and stopped them moving. "Just cool your jets Burgess. You've got a week to go and you should know by now when I give my word I stick by it."

Before she could answer Lindsay returned and Halstead had appeared with around round of shots. Why was everyone making this so difficult? The more he drank the more he could feel his resolve weakening. While he was enjoying seeing Burgess so happy it was frustrating because it made her loose and wild and in the past that always led to a good night once they got home. Not tonight, he could see a cold shower in his near future.

She sat on his lap again and Adam tolerated it for as long as possible before he pushed her away gently. "Kim, Come on. Stop it."

She giggled a little until she saw his face. He was almost begging her with his eyes to stop. "Fine." Kim held up both her hands and stepped away. Erin watched them curiously. It wasn't that Adam looked pissed or annoyed but he did look like he was in pain.

"What's going on between you two?" Erin asked Kim when Adam and Jay ended up at the bar talking to some Cops they knew. Intelligence held some mythical quality to some Patrol Cops so they almost clamoured over themselves to get in good with anyone from the Unit. No one was sure drinking with them at a bar was the best way to worm your way into Intelligence's good books but the boys always enjoyed the spoils of their desperation.

Kim chewed her bottom lip nervously as she watched him across the room. "We are just having a moment."

"Good or Bad?"

"Hard to tell. I don't think Adam thinks it's good."

"Because of the Roman thing last week?"

"No, because we are seven weeks into an eight week sex ban. He's frustrated."

Kim laughed at the stunned look on Erin's face. "A what?"

"My Counsellor suggested that I should be Celibate for a while and for the most part we've been good but the closer to the end we get the harder it is." Kim had kept it to mostly to herself. The only person she had told was her sister and that was because Amanda had flat out asked her if she was sleeping with Adam yet. The hysterical laughing coming down the phone was hardly supportive and eventually when she got Amanda to stop laughing she made her promise not to mention it to Adam. She knew that he had told Atwater and according to Adam the teasing had been minimal. "Because I was so quick to jump into another relationship she thought it would be good to take sex out of the equation with Adam so that we could deal with our issues rather than just cover them up with sex. I mean he's pretty unforgettable in that area."

Erin covered her ears as she moaned. "Stop, too much information. I have to work with him." She shook her head to try and displace the imagery. The boys club was bad enough at the best of times, this was a step beyond and some things she was happier not to know. "Can I ask how the hell you convinced him to agree?"

"You'd be surprised. It wasn't hard. I think he is just trying really hard to make it work." Kim glanced over to the bar and smiled. He looked to be happily engaged in a robust conversation and she knew it had been a long time since he was so happy. The effect of her ill-fated relationship with Roman had been enormous and Adam had been collateral damage. It was hard to forgive herself for that. He'd lived in a bit of a shell for the last few months. "I think he felt some guilt about how our relationship ended. We didn't talk as much as we should have and I know that was mostly my fault so we are trying to rectify that."

"But no sex?" Erin looked liked she'd rather have her legs cut off.

Kim threw her head back and laughed and Adam heard it across the buzz of the bar and he liked it. "I know." She stole another look at him and just caught his eye. "Like right now I could just about jump him right here."

"Has it helped?"

"I think so. You know I really think we are going to make it."

Adam wasn't wrong when he told her it was cold out. She huddled into his side and stamped her feet as they waited for a cab. "Don't go whinging to me now about how cold you are. I know what you are trying to do. I warned you, so toughen up Princess."

"It's so cold." She turned to face him and pressed herself tight against his body. Slipping her hands into his pockets. "I may be going soft but you are not." Her fingers were moving against him making him breathe a little heavier.

"I told you." He slipped off his jacket and placed it around her shoulders letting himself enjoy the sensation of her hands for a few more moments. "Okay enough." He grabbed her wrists and pulled them out of his pockets before spinning her around and wrapping his arms around her. "Behave. We are in public."

"Are you going to stay?" Adam knew that following her up to her apartment wasn't the wisest of moves but he wanted to make sure she got inside okay; she was a little drunk. More often than not on the weekends they stayed together particularly if they were both off work but tonight he wasn't so sure it was a good idea.

"Not tonight."

"I wish you would."

"Kim." He looked tortured as he took a little step back from the door. "It's not a good idea."

"Why not?"

He cocked his head to the side and shoved his hands deep into her pockets. His palms were sweating and he could feel his fingers start to twitch again. They had a mind of their own and they wanted to touch her. "Really?"

Kim tugged on his arm. "Really."

Adam stepped inside quickly and closed the door and in one swift movement he pushed her gently up against it. His hands were planted on either side of her head. His breathing was rapid and she could feel its warmth against her cheek. Suddenly he pushed his hips against her and she gasped when she felt his desire pressing into her thigh. "Because I want to fuck you so bad right now and I can't." His voice was dipping with need and he always spoke a little roughly when he was particularly worked up. He could bring her whimpering to her knees with a few roughly spoken words and right now she was finding it hard to even think straight.

"You can."

"No, I can't."

"I want it too."

"Kim. I love you too much to do this now." He rested his head on her shoulder and his breathing wasn't getting any lighter. He pushed his body a little closer, moving a little against her to relieve some pressure.

"That doesn't make sense."

"I want to respect your wishes. I don't want to look back on this and say we gave up because it got too hard. We've done that. We made this decision and it's only one more week." He kissed her hard and he enjoyed feeling himself spiralling out of control. He could feel every single part of her against his body. He could taste her, he could smell her and he was almost in heaven.

His hands remained firmly on the door behind her because he knew that if he touched her, if he held onto her he couldn't let got until he had her completely. If he started touching her he wouldn't be able to stop. He didn't have that level of self-control.

When he pulled away they were both breathless. Adam rested his forehead on hers while Kim's fingers started digging into his back. "You have no idea how hard it is to walk away from you right now." Adam growled.

"It's not easy for me either." Kim started kissing his neck; he tilted his head and gave her better access.

He jumped a little when her fingers found the hem of his shirt and he felt her fingers on his lower back. "Kim, stop."

They stood in silence and gradually their breathing returned to normal. Adam stepped away first. "Just so you know I am seriously in pain right now."

"I can help you with that." Adam quickly put his hand over her mouth.

"Stop it. One week."

Kim stretched her arms over her head. It was disappointing waking up alone and she felt a little throb of a hangover also. Last night had got a little out of control. Given half the chance she would have screwed Adam all night long. He barely got out of her place in one piece. _One more week._ She buried her head in her pillow. _This stupid fucking celibacy idea._ At the start it seemed easy because she wasn't ready for sex but over the last few weeks they had gotten so much closer and she felt like this was the last piece of the puzzle. Too bad Adam had taken that piece home with him last night.

Kim heard him come in. She liked coming home from work to find him cooking dinner or watching a game. It was so easy having him around again and it made her hate herself sometimes. She had made molehills into mountains and completely ignored all the good things that they had together. "Good morning." he had his head buried in the fridge looking for something for breakfast.

"Hi."

He closed the fridge door after finding nothing that excited him. "Fuck Kim, really?" She was standing in a tank top and a tiny pair of shorts that left nothing to the imagination. "You are killing me. Seriously."

"What?"

"Why not just come out naked. Like seriously."

"I just woke up. You are lucky I even put his on. Maybe I slept naked." She grabbed the coffee that he bought making sure she brushed past him on her way out of the kitchen.

"You want to play this game?" He grabbed her around the waist and ran one hand under the leg of her shorts and she yelped. "I also slept naked, and when I got home I thought of you and the next thing you know, Bang…" he kissed her behind the ear before whispering. "My imagination is a wonderful thing, it was almost like you were there."

"We should go out for breakfast." Kim pushed him lightly in the chest needing to put some type of distance between them.

He quickly stepped away from her, increasing that distance. "We should."

Adam took hold of her hand as they walked from the car to their favourite breakfast spot. "This is getting pretty hard isn't it?"

"I didn't think it would be this much of a challenge."

"Has it helped you though?" He pulled out the chair for her and waited for her to sit before pulling up a chair for himself and grabbing the menu. Not that he needed to look, they had been here a lot lately and he always just ordered the same thing, Eggs benedict with spinach. Kim always had pancakes with bacon and he always stole her bacon.

"I think it has. I feel more in control and I am not worried about the small things anymore. I know that I can talk to you about anything and that's a good thing. Do you think it's helped?"

"I think we are pretty awesome. We've weathered a pretty violent storm. I'm pretty excited about what's ahead."

"Can I tell you something honestly?"

Adam felt his heart start to race. A million thoughts crashed through his head all at once. Surely there were no more landmines. Kim leant across the table and beckoned him with her finger. "All I can think about is next weekend and how I really, really want to get laid."


	19. Chapter 19 - I've been Tapering

"What?" Adam shrieked. Atwater leant back in his chair and chuckled at the horrified look on Ruzek's face. "What?" he repeated. "Why?"

Kim wasn't surprised by his reaction and she could only imagine the look on his face right now. She so wished she could have video called him. "I'm sorry Adam."

"When?"

"She's here now and seeing that I am on Nightshift tonight is it okay if you stay here with Zoe?"

"Sure, but Kim…" he whined sounding like a petulant child.

"Adam I know" she did have some sympathy for him, actually quite a lot. "But what could I do. I couldn't say no."

He dropped his head onto his desk and banged it lightly as he exhaled slowly. "Okay."

"What's going on?" Atwater swung around as soon as he hung up, having been more than mildly amused by the dramatics going on behind him.

"Kim's sister had to go away at the last minute with her husband so Kim is looking after her niece all weekend."

"Sound like fun. Zoe's a cool kid right?"

"Yeah she is." He tossed his phone on the desk, leant back in his chair and roughly ran his hands back and forth over his head and face in frustration. "It's just. This weekend…." He lowered his voice. "It's been two months. We had plans."

"Oh." Atwater couldn't hide his amusement when it clicked what he was talking about and started laughing hysterically.

"You are not fucking helping."

"I can't believe you've made it two months. I gave you two weeks tops."

"Ye of little faith." He turned towards his computer and started trying to distract himself reading through his ridiculous amount of emails. "The last week has been absolute torture though. I'm a little on edge, so to speak."

Zoe was a little shy to begin with, it had been a while since she had seen him but it was hard not to warm up to Adam because of the ice-cream, chocolate and DVD's he bought with him and the fact he was just a big kid himself. Kim had checked with her sister if it was okay that Zoe stayed with Adam. She didn't have much leave left and didn't want to take the night off. "Of course. Now if it was the other one, not so much." Amanda added.

"Thanks for the reminder." Amanda certainly didn't miss the sharpness of her tone.

Adam was watching a game on TV when Kim came back from helping Zoe into her bed. He had agreed to sleep on the couch for the night so Zoe could have her room. He felt more comfortable that way. "Thank you for doing this. I know it's not what we were hoping for."

"Nope." He watched Kim from the corner of his eye as she sat in the corner of the couch about as far away from him as she could.

"You are pissed off?"

"No I'm not." Adam tried to sound convincing. However I am sexually frustrated but not pissed off."

"You've had that date circled on the calendar for two months haven't you?"

"One month, three weeks and six days to be precise." He tapped her leg lightly. "Or do you want it in hours and minutes?"

"One thousand four hundred and forty hours."

The number rolled off Kim's tongue and Adam laughed. "Guess who's also been counting?" Kim popped her feet up on his lap. "What time is your sister coming back on Sunday?"

"Why?"

"I need to figure out how many more hours I've got to keep the knot tied. I was kinda banking on about 8am tomorrow. I've been tapering just for that."

Adam was quick off the blocks and she couldn't count the times he had her in stitches. She could never stay angry with him for long because of his responses to her gripes and it was never long until her cheeks hurt from laughing. Well until when she started acting stupid anyway. "How does one taper for something like that?"

"It's a secret. Do you know what would happen to me if I divulged those secrets?"

Kim could hear them even before she opened her front door. Zoe was laughing hysterically at Adam who was busy trying to flip pancakes, somewhat unsuccessfully and Zoe was loving every minute of his show. Her kitchen was trashed, there were dishes everywhere and both Adam and Zoe were covered in flour and god knows what else. "What's going on?"

"We are making you breakfast." Zoe jumped down from the stool and ran to hug her Aunt. "Pancakes are you favourite right?"

She returned her hug happily. Adam had assured her late last night and this morning in her predictable 'checking in' phone calls that they were doing just fine without her. "That they are. Did you sleep well? Have you taken your meds?"

"Whoa, back up mama bear." Adam leant across the counter, grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him for a kiss. "How was your night?"

"Long and tiring."

"Well grab a shower and then come and have some breakfast." He pushed her lightly in the direction of the bathroom while Zoe started to make a coffee like Adam had been teaching her. She had it waiting for her Aunt when she came back out.

"We are going to the Aquarium today." Zoe declared excitedly and she shot a quick look at Adam who just shrugged apologetically. "Are you going to come?"

"Of course. A day with my two favourite people, I wouldn't pass that up for anything."

After breakfast Kim had a couple of hours sleep while Zoe and Adam headed out to the shops. They were cooking dinner tonight and she had no idea what they had planned but it was cute. Seeing them conspiring together warmed her heart, he was so good with kids. They often saw it at work, his connection with young children and his willingness to work with them and the lengths he would go to protect them. She knew one day he'd make a great father.

It surprised her when that thought jumped into her head. They hadn't talked about children in a long time, since before they were engaged and even then it was a lighthearted conversation. He had talked about it briefly just after his father died but that was more about what he hoped he could bring from his childhood. They both knew that they wanted children at some point but that was as far as the conversation went.

If it wasn't so damn cute Kim would have got jealous as Adam and Zoe spent most of the afternoon bouncing from one exhibit to the other, whispering and laughing together. She didn't get a look in. When they got home she was made to put her feet up while they buzzed about in the kitchen making tacos. "Can I do something?" she begged at one point.

Adam and Zoe looked at each other, whispering to each other before they finally agreed that she could set the table. When Zoe disappeared to wash up for dinner Kim finally got a minute alone with Adam. "If this is supposed to make me forget about what we hoped to be doing it's not. I do believe I love you even more after today. You are seriously rocking my world mister."

"That's the plan." He winked and pushed her out of the kitchen. "Now get out."

Dinner was just one laugh after the other before they settled in to watch a 'Finding Nemo and Dory' double header. Adam's annoying impersonation of Dory had them both cringing. He could sing; he had a beautiful voice he was just choosing not to use it right now. Kim was again pushed aside as Zoe cuddled up to Adam and she barely made it through the first movie before crashing out on the couch.

"Now what do we do?" Adam threw himself on the bed. "Perhaps I should go and leave you and Zoe to have some time together."

Kim crawled over the top of him and pinned him to the bed. "Don't you dare leave."

"Just before you go any further I want to let you know that I am not having sex with you with your 12 year old niece asleep on the couch barely a few feet away."

Kim groaned and rolled off to the side. "This seriously sucks."

"Yep." He grabbed her hand and bought it to his lips. "And another little bit of information I am at a critical level of DSB, so don't touch me. I have a hair trigger."

"Okay." She moved away a little and sat up. "Can we change the subject?" she was wringing her hands nervously. Adam rolled onto his side and propped his head up on his hand. He looked so relaxed and comfortable. Rarely did he unhappy lately about being here, even when he was at peak sexual frustration. This weekend so far hadn't panned out the way he had hoped but surprisingly he had enjoyed himself.

"Thank you for today. You were amazing with Zoe and she loves you, I think more than me."

"What can I say, I am irresistible even to ten year olds."

"You love kids don't you? Probably helps that you are a big kid yourself." She looked at her hands and laid them in her lap, not really knowing what to do with them. Well, she knew what she wanted to do with them; she wanted to touch him, every single part of him. "I know we talked about them once, ages ago and it wasn't really a serious conversation."

"I want to have kids." He blurted out, putting her at ease instantly. He could see let out the breath she probably wasn't even aware she was holding. "With you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I think we'd make beautiful babies." Then he added quickly. "Not right now of course, but one day absolutely. Until then I think I could do some very diligent baby making practice given half the chance. I am a good student, particularly if it's one of my favourite subjects and trust me it is."

"Hmm, good to know. I think our babies would be beautiful too." A huge smile lit up her face and she leant forward and suddenly kissed him hard and knocking him backwards. "I'm sorry." She murmured between kisses. "I need to do this."

They lost themselves in each other for a few passionate minutes before Kim pulled away breathlessly. "I think I need a cold shower."

"No way. Me first." He jumped up from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. This was seriously killing him. He leant his head against the cool tiles and gritted his teeth when the cold water hit his back. Perhaps if they were quiet they could do this? But then the thought of having Zoe so close made him feel weird and the last thing he wanted was for them to feel weird or to rush this. He wanted them both to enjoy every moment of it. He didn't want to waste the opportunity however much a 'Wham bam thank you mam' was appealing right now.

He didn't even open his eyes as he hunted for his phone when it started ringing and it was extremely annoying and loud. He only prised one eye open to look at the name once he'd found it. Antonio's name was flashing brightly and he looked at the clock and groaned when he saw it was 430am. "Antonio." He growled followed by a series of mumbles and grunts. "Yep, sure."

Kim stirred next to him, her warm body pressed into his side. "You have to go to work don't you?"

"Yep."

He jumped up and got dressed before coming to sit on the edge of the bed while he pulled on his boots. "Do you think this is the universe trying to tell us something?" Kim had pulled away from him a little.

"No." Adam silenced her with a kiss and was gone.

Kim wasn't so sure.


	20. Chapter 20 - If you don't, I will

Zoe looked a little disappointed when she woke up to find that Adam had already left. Kim chuckled a little as she pouted on the couch like a typical teenager and it left Kim with no doubts about who her favourite had been this weekend. Kim watched her for a little while and she appeared deep in thought.

Going back to sleep after Adam had left proved elusive, she was stewing over the horrible thought that came to her earlier and she couldn't shake it. What if all the issues they had had, right from the start was trying to tell them that it wasn't meant to be. It couldn't be right though. They had too much spark, too much chemistry, and too many good things going on to not be together. Surely?

"Aunt Kim?" Zoe interrupted her thoughts. "It's okay to like Adam isn't it?"

"Of course it is. What makes you say that?"

Zoe looked a little apprehensive, like she was going to say something she knew she shouldn't. She wasn't supposed to know. "I overheard Mom and Dad one night and they were talking about how someone hurt you and Mom was really upset and angry. It wasn't Adam was it?"

Kim rushed over to her niece and wrapped her up in her arms. "No, god Zoe, no. It wasn't Adam."

"Why did someone hurt you? Did they mean it?"

"I don't know why he did it and its really complicated Zoe. I don't know how to explain it." She bought Zoe back over to the couch and sat her down, holding onto her hands tightly. "Sometimes there are just people who aren't good people as much as we want them to be. If you ever feel strange about someone, like something doesn't feel right then you need to stay away from them and tell someone, anyone how you feel. You will always be able to tell your Mom or Dad, or me. I didn't listen to my heart and that person did some things to me that he shouldn't have. Nobody has the right to hurt you, no matter what. Promise me. Listen to your heart and your gut; it rarely leads you astray. What does that tell you about Adam?"

"I really like Adam."

Kim didn't realise she was holding her breath and she felt a flood of relief when Zoe told her that she liked Adam. Obviously she could see how they had interacted all weekend and knew that Zoe was very comfortable with him but it was good to hear it. "And he really likes you. He was so disappointed that he had to go to work early this morning. He's a good man and he has helped me so much lately."

"He's pretty cool. Do you think you'll marry him one day?"

"I hope so." Kim honestly thought it would be hard to forget about getting married when he first bought it up but it hadn't been. It had actually felt like a huge weight had been lifted from their shoulders, although perhaps the celibacy thing had just given them a different focus. Whether she felt the same once they had crossed that off their list was yet to be seen.

"Well if you don't, I will." Zoe suddenly declared and they both laughed.

They finished watching Finding Dory together before heading out to get some lunch. Kim had spoken to Adam briefly when he called to let her know what was going on. He wasn't sure how long things were going to take and it had put him in a seriously bad mood.

"I thought this weekend was D Day?" Erin handed him a coffee as they killed some time. They had all noticed how tetchy he was today, more so than usual when they were called into work on a Sunday.

"Don't you start. I am on the edge, I could flip out and go rouge at any minute." He felt confined in the car; it felt airless so he cracked the window. Instantly the cool air from outside rushed in and it felt refreshing against his skin.

"Why?"

"We've been looking after Kim's niece all weekend."

"Oh. Cramping your style is she?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." Talking about it wasn't helping his mood or helping him forget about what he hoped to be doing right now. He loved his job and rarely hated getting his hands dirty on a case but today he did not want to be here, not in the slightest.

"You know. What you are doing. Everything you've done for Kim lately. You've been amazing."

"Thanks Lindsay." He took a mouthful of the tepid coffee and screwed up his nose a little. Nothing was right today. "I just wish things were a little different. You know." He shrugged. "I am just trying to make it up to her, for letting her go."

"It wasn't your fault. You know that right? Roman wasn't your fault."

"Some days I do, some days not so much." He stared straight ahead, his finger flicking the edge of the lid rhythmically. "Anyway we've put that all behind us. We don't talk about him anymore. It's done. All I want to do right now is to get out of here."

"I bet you do." Erin nudged him lightly and they both laughed.

Zoe hugged Kim tightly before she left with her mother. Adam had sent her a text on Kim's phone and it had made her day. Her face lit up when Kim gave her the phone. _'Hey Zoe, sorry I didn't get to see you today. I had an awesome time yesterday and I have decided that you are my favourite 12yr old in the whole world. Come back and stay soon. XX Adam.'_

"Sounds like you had a great time." Her mother loved the message he had sent when Zoe had literally ripped Kim's phone out of her hand and showed her the message as soon as she walked through the door. Kim couldn't wait to tell him how he had made Zoe's day with that simple message and he would have done it without even thinking about it.

"They were as thick as thieves. I felt like a third wheel most of the time."

"It's good to see you so happy."

"Zoe asked me if it was okay to like Adam." Amanda had sent Zoe to pack up her stuff and go to the bathroom before they left. "Because she overheard you talking about what happened with Sean."

"Oh Kim, I'm sorry. I didn't know she knew about it. We tried to keep it between us."

"It's okay. I just wanted to let you know. I tried to tell her that she needs to trust her gut when it comes to people making her feel uncomfortable and if it helps her in the future it's okay. Maybe you can talk to her more about it. Anyway she has declared that she would be more than happy to marry Adam."

"Best you get onto that then." Amanda teased.

As soon as they left the silence in her now empty place was overwhelming. The last two days it had been buzzing with noise and mess and laughter bounced off the walls constantly. Instead of spending the afternoon waiting and thinking Kim took herself off to a Yoga class. Meditation would hopefully help. The nervous thoughts she had that morning had drifted away when Zoe started talking about how much she liked him. He was worth fighting for.

When she got home she had still heard nothing and it wasn't until she was just getting out of the shower that she heard her phone beep. _'Sorry Baby, We'll be at this for a few more hours yet.'_

This was doing her head in.

Even when he called a few hours later she couldn't shake that nagging thought coming back. Something was keeping them apart, something bigger than them. "I guess this weekend didn't work out as planned huh?" He was shoving some food in his mouth while talking to her. Jay was heading back towards the car with some coffees for them. "You're back on Days tomorrow yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe we can get together tomorrow night? I really want to see you."

"Adam, perhaps it's just not…" She didn't get a chance to finish the sentence before Adam cut her off.

"Don't Kim." He tried to keep the frustration he felt out of his voice. The last thing he wanted to deal with was Kim starting to second guess and over think things again. "We are not doing this, not now and not again. Stop catastrophizing every single little thing."

"Wow, that was a little harsh." Obviously he didn't do a good enough job of hiding his irritation.

"Kim, please baby I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than need be. It's just work, it's got in the way before. I know it's frustrating but come on stop reading too much into it."

"I'm trying." Kim knew he was right, it wasn't the first time that work had interrupted their plans to get together and it had never bothered her in the past.

"Hey Halstead's coming back, we've gotta go. Talk to you later and Baby..." he waited until he heard her mumbled ' _yeah_ ' "I love you."

Changing into her uniform in the locker room the next morning she tried to stifle a yawn, having spent half the night tossing and turning. She jumped a little when she felt Adam's hands on her waist. "Hey." He kissed her behind the ear.

"Hey." Kim turned in his arms and kissed him properly. "Busy night?"

"Yep. I'm shattered. We've been chasing idiots like rats up a drainpipe all night." He sat down on the bench while Kim continued to get dressed. He looked completely toasted.

"Are you off now?"

"No, just ducked out for few minutes to see you. I need to grab a quick shower too. We are all pretty rank. Wanna join me?" He winked, reaching out to grab her leg in a vain attempt to pull her closer.

Kim stepped away from him. "Sure, that's exactly where I want it to happen. In a shower stall at work with what?" she looked at her watch. "Five minutes before I am due to start."

Wearily he pushed himself up of the bench and leant in for another kiss. "Can't fault a man for asking?" He kissed her again before she headed out. The thought of him in the shower though did hold some appeal. The wrath of Platt, however did not.

Nothing went to plan and he had barely seen her all week, Chicago had gone nuts and he had spent most of the week undercover. Even their text messages were short and it was frustrating the crap out of him. This week, hell this whole damn celibacy thing had gone on far too long.

"What are you doing?" Kim knew that he had just got home and she had just grabbed some dinner in the middle of her shift. They were seriously struggling to get through this week. It was annoying not being able to talk and see each other but when they did manage to catch each other, usually in passing while one was coming into the District and the other was leaving they just got more agitated. They weren't even flirting anymore; it was just straight up desperation.

"I'm watching porn."

Kim coughed as she choked on the mouthful of coffee she had just taken. That was the last thing she expected him to say. "What?"

"Well, what do you want me to do? I have balls the size of oranges."

"Are you really watching porn?"

"No." Adam chuckled. "Although that does give me an idea. No, I am not watching porn Baby, but I am missing you."

"What are you really doing? I'm bored, I miss you."

"Laundry and reports." He hadn't had time all week to get anything down on paper. He would take notes on his phone with the intention of writing them up when he got home but he had been crawling into bed well after midnight most nights and was out the door before 7am. The last thing he wanted to do was to get weighed down by Admin on the weekend. He had plans and come hell or high water he was getting laid this weekend. He didn't care if it took five minutes; he was going to die if he didn't.

 _'Finally, I'm home.'_ Kim had let him know she was finally home from work after Platt had sent her on one last job at the end of her shift. He quickly jumped in the shower before heading over to her place. They now had a whole day ahead of them and he was nervous and excited. All week he had planned how this was going to happen and everyday the plan changed. What did she want? Romance? Or should they just get into it? Did she want him to woo her or did she just want him to screw her?

Kim was standing in the middle of his apartment when he got out of the shower. He had barely got his jeans on and was buttoning up a shirt when he saw her. "Kim." He stopped dead in his tracks.

"I couldn't wait." Her heart was thudding in her chest; she wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans. "I couldn't wait." She repeated when she didn't think he had heard her the first time. The sound of her voice propelled him across the room and for the briefest moments he held her face in his hands and looked for any sign of doubt or regret.

"Kim." He whispered her name against her lips just before they gave into each other. When they finally pulled apart he led her by the hand to the bedroom. Kim pushed his shirt off his shoulders and the rest of their clothes followed in no time flat.

Her body was slick beneath his touch. His hands were able to glide from one tight taut muscle to another, stroking them slowly and feeling the ache that had lived within him for months dissipate. He was absorbing her through his skin. It was sweet, it was painful and it was heaven.

He felt her move, just a little. He felt her hands digging into his back as she pulled herself closer; it made him moan as he fell deeper into her. It needed to be everything and all at once. When he opened his eyes she was looking at him, the slightest hint of a tear slid along her lower lashes. He kissed it away as her eyes fluttered closed. "Ads." His nickname tumbled from her lips, a name he hadn't heard for such a long time. He could feel the breath leave her as she said it, hot and moist against his neck. Desire ripped through him and he felt his body tremble and that was all it took to send him spiralling over the edge. It was everything he dreamed of but so much more. Because in those dreams she was there but when he opened his eyes he was alone. He opened his eyes and she was still there, she was still with him and he breathed out slowly. He could feel her heart beating against him. The passion they always shared had come rushing back to the surface and they both connected in the most complete way possible.

He couldn't speak; he didn't want to break the trance they were in.

"I never stopped loving you." Kim broke the silence. "I just got lost for a while."

"Kim, please don't. Not now. I don't want to talk right now."

It was barely ten minutes later when they were back at it again and this time it was longer, slower and deeper than ever and now Adam was lying on his back with his head resting on her stomach.

"Well I gotta say it was worth the wait." Her hand was tangled in his hair.

Slowly he opened one eye. "The wait is finally over."

"Adam." She wanted to fill the silence. "I was worried that this would never happen."

"I wasn't." he rolled over and buried his head in her stomach, sucking on her skin lightly. "I love you. I hope you know that, I wouldn't be here with you right now if I didn't believe in us. I wouldn't do that to you, I wouldn't do that to me." He nipped her skin between his teeth making her squeal. "I will tell you one thing for nothing. We are not going to go two months without sex ever again."

"Oh you got that right." She slipped her hand beneath the sheet and grabbed hold of him. He groaned at her touch and he closed his eyes again and gave in to the sensations. God he had missed her, he missed just being with her. This felt fucking fantastic. He felt complete again.

Adam pulled her out of bed. "Where are we going?"

"I'm hungry."

"So?"

"I don't want to let you go. You might disappear again."

"Adam, I'm not going anywhere."

 **A/N: Well folks, that's it for this story. I feel happy leaving it here. Thank you for all your kind reviews and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much I as enjoyed writing it.**


End file.
